


The Roundabout

by Darling_Diver



Series: MMFD Croyde AU [2]
Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Mild Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-06
Updated: 2014-11-06
Packaged: 2018-02-24 07:24:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 65,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2573093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darling_Diver/pseuds/Darling_Diver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU Synopsis: Set in 2009, 10 years after The Station, Finn and Rae are faced with a major life change prompting them to reconsider what is means to be adults, create a home and be committed to each other. After announcing they are pregnant with their first child, the couple decides to embark on a cross-country journey visiting friends and family in an effort to decide where they should settle down, along the way learning new ways of dealing with unexpected challenges, unsolicited opinions, and inevitable expectations.</p>
<p>Inspired by “Away We Go”.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Roundabout

**Chapter One**

Rae pushed the door to the one-bedroom flat open, the satchel on her shoulder making a loud thud on the wood floor as it slid off her shoulder. She leaned backwards on the door until she heard the latch click closed. Pushing the toe of her left Chuck Taylor into the heel of her right, she pulled the shoe off in a single push before lifting her leg to take her sock off. Rae repeated the movements, taking her other shoe and sock off before crossing the open room towards the kitchen. 

She carefully lowered herself to the floor, laying her upper body on the wood floor of the living space and pressing her feet onto the tiled area distinguishing the kitchen. “Oh God, that feels good.” She rolled her eyes closed, trying to relax. “Fucking August, it’s too bloody hot.”  _Damn. I should have gotten a cool flannel before I laid down. No getting up now._ She slid her hands below her abdomen, which extended almost as high as the tops of her propped up knees. She looked down. “You cheeky bastard. See, now I know what you are, no more guessing boy or girl. Wait until your father gets home and he hears about how all this extra blood you’re pumping through my body is going to give me a fucking heat stroke. You’re going to be in trouble.”

Finn and Rae moved into their flat on the North end of London five years ago, taking over the lease of the 700-square-foot space on Casson Street in Spitalfields. Inside the front door was a large, open room with large windows on the far left wall that transitioned to a corner kitchen. The only separate rooms were the bed and bathrooms, immediately to the right of the front door. The flat was anywhere from a thirty minute to hour commute to the BBC offices, depending on traffic, where they both worked on the South end of London in White City. It was a home they enjoyed, but most importantly could afford. The two agreed being amongst the artists and young creatives in Spitalfields made up for the unexpected directions each of their careers had taken since graduating from uni. 

The two took respective internships at the BBC before graduation, managing to land full-time jobs post-graduation. As the years passed, Rae took promotion opportunities progressively further outside of the radio division. The last move placed Rae as an editor for the BBC Earth department, partnering with science and history feature writers. It allowed her to work from home, only going into the office for meetings she couldn’t call into remotely. It wasn’t a job she specifically aimed for, but they rationalized it was good for her resume. Finn remained headstrong about pursuing any opportunity in the broadcasting side of the company, regardless of how limited they were. He helped create a new team focused on acquiring content for programming. He was at the tenuous place of proving his worth in the role, while creating parameters for what the group would be responsible for accomplishing. It meant long hours, lower pay and higher stress. They reasoned the potential gains would be great for Finn eventually. Rae imagined once they were in their late twenties life would be more settled, but nothing seemed that way except for their commitment to each other. Life in London was an uphill climb, but recently the couple started loosing sight of where the climb was leading. 

The flat door opened and she heard Finn’s boots. Over the past ten years, Rae became intimately familiar with every noise Finn Nelson made. From their first summer in Croyde, traveling together, surviving the ups and downs of college, to moving into their flat, she grew accustomed to everything about him. She had a short list of favorite noises though, his footsteps being one. She could hear him coming, whether they were alone or with people. She found the rhythm of his distinctive stride soothing, whether he was barefoot, in his boots, or trainers. It filled her with happy anticipation each time, no matter how much time passed. 

“Talking to yourself again?” He sat on the floor next to her, laying down and letting his head fall to the side towards her. 

Their eyes met and Rae shook her head, mock laughing at him. “Excuse me, I’m creating a human over here so I have my traveling companion for another four months. I am  _never_ alone, creepy right? Welcome to my life.” 

He reached up, putting a hand on the top of her stomach and rolling to his side. “You’re better than I am, can’t imagine how hard it is to carry this one around.” 

Rae sighed loudly. “Doctor said I’m still a good size for six months, but I swear my belly is _huge_. Everyone assumes I’m almost due.” _I am a continent, it’s depressing._

“Girl, I am  _so_  sorry. I can’t believe I got stuck at work again and didn’t make the doctor’s appointment. How did the ultrasound go?”

Rae put her hand on top of his, squeezing it. “I know, it’s ok. You’ve been there for every other one.”

“This one was pretty fucking important. God, getting stuck in negotiations on a Friday to acquire music just isn’t as important anymore, you know? It used to be one of the most exciting things I could think of, but now…” He trailed off, shaking his head. “Were they able to tell the sex?”

Rae nodded and Finn immediately sat up, eyes widening with anticipation. “And?”

“Finn Nelson, you’re going to have to talk to your  _son_  about how hard  _he’s_  making this pregnancy.”

“ _Son_? A  _boy_?” Finn beamed, his mouth parting in a wide grin.

“Yup. First with all the morning sickness, then with hiding for the past few doctors visits so we couldn’t get a look at his willy, not to mention the nurse told me I have  _four_  extra pounds of blood in my system. No wonder I’m as hot as the sun!” 

While she talked, Finn straddled her just below the abdomen, pushing her knees flat and putting his hands on either side of her ribcage. Leaning down, he pressed an ear against her stomach and softly whispered. She erupted in laughter, unable to resist the excitement of Finn’s response.

He sat up, snapping his eyes to hers. “Where’s the thing?”

“What thing?”

“You know, the  _thing_. The  _thing_  my dad sent us.” Finn rolled backwards onto the balls of his feet, pushing himself up in a single movement.

Rae rolled her eyes. “Twat, I hate you can do stuff like that. I never could, even before I was pregnant and I most definitely can’t now. God, it takes ages to stand up  _with_  you helping me.” 

Finn pulled open kitchen drawers, looking over his shoulder and giving her a smug grin. “That’s why you have me. I want to use the  _thing_. That baby heart rate  _thing._ ”

“Oh, I stuck it in the loo.” Finn quickly disappeared into the bathroom and Rae heard him moving things around. “Look behind the towels in the cabinet. While you’re in there bring me a cold flannel, yeah?” He re-appeared, resuming his position straddling her with a small towel in one hand and a blue stethoscope attached to an electronic heart rate monitor in the other. “Finn, lovely, I’m dying of heatstroke. I never thought I’d say this once let alone as many times as I’ve said it over the past month, but you have to get off me.” 

He gave her a devious grin, leaning over and placing the damp cloth over her neck. “Oh, that’s  _not_  the message I’ve gotten the past few months. I swear you’ve pulled me onto you more times than I can count, we just need to do other things to take your mind off all that extra blood in your system. Rae, I know you don’t mind being hot, it just has to be for a reason you enjoy.” He offered her a pleased look while placing the stethoscope headset in his ears. 

Rae watched him look at the heart rate monitor display with a quizzical expression. She took it from his hands, pressing the power button, then pressed the chestpiece to her abdomen. Finn nodded.  _You goof. Your bloody father sent it, would think you would have taken time to read the instructions._ Finn’s eyes moved from the display to the chestpiece, then back again. He spoke loudly, “Says it’s only 110. Is that normal?”

Rae was startled by his volume, reaching up and pulling out one of the earpieces. “I can hear you just fine, Grandpa.” 

“Sorry…is that normal?”

“Well, should be closer to 120 but it’s not bad to be low.”

Finn shrugged. “Mellow?”

“Yeah, but we don’t want mellow now. We want lively now, mellow later. Maybe we should fight more.”

“But we don’t fight, we talk things out. We worked bloody hard for that.”

“Yeah, but maybe if we just raised our voices or something it would help.” 

“Hmmm…” Finn narrowed his eyes at Rae.

 Rae yelled, “How fucking dare you miss my doctor appointment today!”

Finn looked surprised, staring at her.

“You think work is so important that you can miss finding out you’re having a son!”

His mouth fell open.  _He’s not playing. Did I hurt his feelings?_

“Finn…” Rae put her hand on his forearm.

Finn looked down at the monitor. “115.”

“Fucking hell…you scared me when you didn’t say anything back. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, I was messing about.” 

He looked back at her, furrowing his eyebrows. “You haven’t yelled like that since uni.”

“Sorry.”

“No, I mean…I knew you weren’t really mad, just surprised me.” He pulled the other eartip out and put the apparatus on the floor. “Still need me to get off you or…” He leaned over Rae, putting his hands on either side of her head and lightly brushing his lips against hers before pulling her bottom lip between his.

“We do need to talk about something.”

He answered between kisses, “What’s that?” Finn slowly moved to kissing her jawline and down her neck. 

“I can’t concentrate when you’re doing that.”

“That’s the idea. There’s more than one way to raise your heart rate.” 

“The idea isn’t to raise  _my_ heart rate, dickhead.” 

“Ahhh, well…we should still give it a go, yeah? I miss those early months when you wanted it all the time.” He pulled the damp flannel off her neck, following her collarbone with his lips.

“My mum left a message on my cell, we need to go visit tomorrow.”

“And, I’m stopping.” Finn sat up. “Why?” He scrunched his nose, tilting his head to the side. 

“Don’t look at me like that, I don’t want to go either.” Rae pulled at his arms, trying to get him to lean back over her. “We’ve been promising and haven’t been since we rang to let them know about the baby. Bloody hell, we went to Croyde to tell the gang in-person three months ago. She hasn’t seen us at all and if we don’t go there, she’ll just come here.”

Finn huffed. “Fair enough. It’s up to you - your mum, your call.”

“I don’t know why you’re acting annoyed, she  _loves_  you. You can do no wrong to her, I on the other hand, always do something wrong.” Rae mockingly shook her head back-and-forth, while rolling her eyes. 

“You know that’s not true, you two just know how to get at each other.” He repeated his movements from before, standing in a single motion before offering Rae his hand. 

She took it in hers, groaning as he pulled her forward until she was sitting. “Oh, my back hurts. It feels so good to lay on that hard floor, but then when I get up it screams at me for this massive weight in my belly.” Rae stretched out her other arm, waving her free hand at Finn. “This is going to be a job for both of them, love.” He obliged, gently helping her stand. 

Face-to-face, he kissed her. “I love you, girl. And now, we’re having a  _son_. I can’t believe it, I’m chuffed.” Wrapping his arms around her, Finn smiled. “How did I get so lucky?”

Rae playfully pursed her lips at him. “Yeah, you just keep that cheerful attitude up, we’ll be needing it. Remember when  _you_  were the grumpy sod in our relationship? Those days are long gone, mate.” 

Rae’s stomach growled audibly. Finn laughed, “Someone wants to voice an opinion in this conversation. So, what we doing for dinner?”

She looked at the cabinets listlessly. “I think all we have here is makings for beans and toast.”

“Right then, I’ll hop out to get kebabs.” 

“And chips.” 

“Of course.” He pecked her lips before adding, “You know, you’re starting to sound like your mum, saying things like ‘love’ and ‘lovely’. It’s sweet.” Rae’s mouth fell open and Finn turned on his heels to leave before she could respond.  _Fucker._

The door clicked closed again as Rae shuffled to get a glass from a cabinet. Reaching up, she groaned as her back stretched and her muscles protested the strain from the baby.  _I seriously do not understand how shorter women do this. For the first time in my life I’m thankful to be tall. God, never thought I would say that._  She took the glass to the sink, filling it with water and leaning back to drink. Her stomach grumbled again and the baby pushed on Rae’s side, she poked back playfully. “Hey now, Dad’s on his way with food. God…dad.” Rae’s heart sank momentarily, as fleeting thoughts of the father she barely knew rushed into her head. She closed her eyes, pushing them back.

_It’s different with us. Whatever happened between mum and him, it’s not us. Mum found Karim. I found Finn. I have Finn. Now Finn and I are having a boy. Oh God, a BOY._

****

Finn kept a brisk pace from the kebab shop back to their flat. A light drizzle of rain started and he hunched forward.  _Should have brought my jacket._ Rae wasn’t the only hungry one, he skipped lunch because of meetings at work and couldn’t remember if he ate breakfast.  _Life’s going to slow down, right? Has to eventually._ He jogged the last few meters into their red brick building, not slowing down as he took the stairs two at a time until he reached the door to their flat on the third floor.  _I will never get tired of coming home._ A familiar wave of relief washed over Finn everyday when he re-entered their home. Finn and Rae created a sanctuary for themselves, curating a physical and emotional space between them that kept the negativity of the outside world at bay and accentuated elements of life that made them happy. 

Pushing the door open, Finn saw Rae on the couch with her laptop perched precariously on her outstretched legs. Coldplay softly crooned from the stereo. She looked up as he stopped into the kitchen for plates before bringing the food over and joining her. “Still working on the latest piece?”

“Yeah, editing an article on ocean ridges.” She paused, looking down at the screen in front of her and widening her eyes. “It’s riveting.” 

“Haha.” Finn mockingly laughed, sitting on the couch next to her and pushing his shoes off before crossing his legs on the seat cushion. He dropped the bag of kebabs in his lap, holding a plate out for her. Rae picked the laptop off her lap, closing and moving it to the side. Taking the plate, she reached into the bag fishing for her wrap.

“Hey, you don’t know which one is yours. Stop that!” Finn lightly hit her hand.

“Oh, sorry. Did you get something new? We’ve only gone to this same shop for years.” 

“Don’t think you know everything about me, yet. I’m still mysterious.” He winked at her.

She gave him a cheeky grin. “You gave up being mysterious on that trip to Spain when you got really sick and I took care of you for two days in the hotel. Never knew what a baby you were until then, well and now we’ll have an even bigger baby on our hands.”  

“Oi, you’re one to talk. Remember the night at uni when you drank too much, got across town to my flat and stood outside the window yelling until I woke up. You crashed on my bed and wouldn’t stop banging on in _explicit_ detail about how fit I was and my great personality. That was the moment I knew  _exactly_ how much you loved me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s one of my favorite memories because the way you looked at me while you were talking…oh, girl, still does things to me when I think about it. I wanted to shut you up because I was tired, but I couldn’t bear to do it because you were so beautiful. Remind me after this baby is born to get you worked up like that again.” He handed her a foil-wrapped kebab from the bag in front of him.

“Mmm, we’ll see about that. How many times have you told that story now? A hundred? I remember waking up the next morning drooling. Different experience on my end and I  _still_ don’t remember what I said.”

“Means it’s all the more true, yeah? Just what was in your head, no filter. It’s too late, Rae. You can’t hide your feelings from me. It’s ok to just admit you are completely obsessed with me.” He placed a hand on her shoulder, mock consoling her. “I’m here for you, as support.”

She brushed his hand off. “Oh God,  _obsessed?_ I don’t know  _what_ girl gave you all these ideas, but clearly she’s mad. Give her my number and I’ll recommend a therapist.” 

He laughed, “We’re both mad, convenient that way.”  

"You keep telling yourself that." Rae unwrapped an end of the cylinder in her hands. “Izzy called again today, checking in on how I am and everything. She keeps asking where we’re going to put the baby. I told her we’re sorting it out.”

Finn scoffed, “Chop’s done the same to me since we saw them at the baptism. Don’t understand what they’re so worried about.”

Rae stared at the kebab in her hands, considering a moment before shifting her focus to Finn. “Do you ever wonder if we’re fuck-ups?”

_What does that mean?_ Finn stopped chewing the food in his mouth, giving her a quizzical look. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, we wanted to have a baby but we still don’t have this basic stuff figured out. All our friends have houses, they’re settled into jobs, and started families years ago. We still live like we’re at uni.”

_We work too hard to be fuck-ups._ Finn swallowed before putting a reassuring hand on her arm and furrowing his brow. “We’re not fuck-ups.”

“We’re close to thirty and our flat isn’t even big enough to have a guest, let alone a baby.” She paused, looking at the food in her hand. “I think we might be fuck-ups, Finn.”  

He set his kebab on the plate in front of him, leaning down and placing it on the floor. He reached over, taking the kebab from Rae’s hands and putting it on her plate before setting it down next to his. Scooting over, he slid a leg in the space behind her back and under the cushions of the couch, wrapping it around her hips so his chest was next to her shoulder. Leaning into her ear, he whispered, “Rae, we’re not fuck-ups.”

Rae tilted her head, resting it on his forehead. “I think we are.” 

“We’ll just have to prove you and anyone else wrong, now won’t we?” 

She smiled. “Aye, we will. Give me and your baby that kebab back, dickhead.”

He leaned towards the floor, picking up and handing the plate back to her. “We’ll have to come up with something else to call each other. Don’t want a little one running around saying ‘dickhead’.” Finn pitched his voice into a high squeak on the last word.

“Oh shit, I hadn’t even thought about that. A tiny Finn calling people ‘dickhead’ would be pretty funny.” 

“Can’t argue with that.” Finn laid back on the couch, leaving his leg behind Rae. She found his foot with her hand, pulling on one of his toes playfully. “I love you, Finn.” 

He flexed his leg tighter around her hips. “Love you madly.” 

She smiled before taking a bite of her food. The two finished dinner, sharing details about their days and laughing as Radiohead drifted from the worn speakers in the corner. Once they finished, Finn pulled Rae back to lean against him on the couch, her back resting on his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, drumming his fingers softly on her abdomen. They danced from soft to harder areas, sensing parts of her body - muscle, bone, fat.  _She’s amazing. Rae is creating life. We created a life together, but this is so different._  

"Off to Lincolnshire to see your mum tomorrow, huh?"

"Yeah. If we leave in the morning, we can just stay for the afternoon."

"How’s about we stop in Stamford and stay with my dad on the way back? If we’re doing a parent visit might as well get it all out of the way at once." 

"Oh, sweet Gary. Yes. I swear he’s more excited about being a grandparent than anyone else."

"God, my dad…and you say your mum’s crazy. That’s going to be both of us in a few years, you know?"  _Poor dad, alone in Stamford. He gets so excited when we stay. He never should have been left alone, he deserves more._

"Shut your pretty mouth! Don’t think I forgot what you said earlier about me sounding like my mum." She reached above her head, finding Finn’s face with her hands and carelessly patting his cheeks, her movements interrupting his thoughts. 

Finn laughed. “A family Saturday, God help us all.”

_———————————————_

**Chapter Two**

Finn sat in the driver’s seat, drumming his fingertips on his kneecaps. He glanced over at Rae before rolling his eyes closed and inhaling slowly.  _Be patient, just be patient. She’ll be ready soon._ She stared at her childhood house from the passenger seat of the car, digging her thumbnails into the ends of her index fingers on each hand. He reached over, putting a hand over hers and stopping the movement of her fingers on the hand closest to him. “Rae…”

Since becoming pregnant, Rae avoided visits to her family. Finally coaxed into returning this weekend, she asked Finn to park the car a few meters away from the driveway of the two-story council house where she grew up. Finn wasn’t clear on why she developed an aversion to visiting, but he was fascinated watching her process. She was emotionally negotiating with herself and preemptively anticipating how taxing her mum would be today.  _I’ve never seen her dread coming home like this. What is going on in her head? And why all of a sudden? We’ve been visiting for years and it’s never been like this._  

“Just a minute, Finn. Almost ready.” 

“Rae, come on. It’ll be fine. You’re worried about nothing.” 

She groaned, rolling her head from side-to-side against the headrest. “Why?”

“Why what? I don’t know. We’ve been in the car driving for three hours though, isn’t that enough time to prepare yourself for whatever you’re worried about? I know your mum is a character, but she’s not  _that_  bad.”

Rae hung her head, putting a free hand over her eyes. “I’m sorry. I know, I shouldn’t be like this. It’s just since the baby, I don’t know…coming back makes me think of being a child and all the stuff from back then. It’s seemed like a lifetime ago for so long now, but it doesn’t anymore. It’s like coming back here is going back to then. That doesn’t even make sense, does it?”

“Stop apologizing, you’re not doing anything wrong. I just…I hate for you to put yourself through that.” He squeezed her hand, wedging his middle finger between her thumb and index finger. “Getting this anxious isn’t good for you or the baby.”

“Another reason I haven’t brought up coming for a visit. Hey, maybe it got the little stinker’s heart rate up. Want to check?”

“Absolutely not, just another way to stall. It’ll be over in a few hours. Then, we can be off to see my da and you can watch him drive me crazy while he dotes over you.” He leaned over, close to her face, nuzzling her with his nose. “Come on, girl. You know your mum is going to be grand. If you go in with a crap attitude, it’ll just be that way from the start.”

Rae exhaled. “Fine.”

Finn started the car, shifting into gear and accelerating forward. A moment later, he turned the steering wheel, angling the car into the driveway. Rae let out an exasperated groan as Linda immediately opened the front door, taking a few steps forward and waving both arms in the air, proclaiming loudly, “You’re here!!” 

He looked over at Rae and offered a broad smile. “You ready, girl?”

“Here we go…” Rae smiled and opened the passenger door as her mum walked around the car towards her. 

“Look at you, you’re  _huge_!” Linda wrapped her arms around Rae, pulling her into a tight hug. “God, you look like you’re due any day now! Are you sure you’re only six months?”

Finn stood from the driver’s seat, stretching his arms in the air while yawning.  _Shit, Linda. Don’t be so dramatic about it. That’ll put Rae into a state._ Karim, Linda’s husband, joined them in front of the house, arms outstretched to welcome Finn. He was warm and amenable, a counter-balance to Linda’s brash personality.

Finn learned to appreciate the value of Linda and Karim’s balance on his first trip to Lincolnshire. Rae didn’t warn her family she gained a boyfriend over her summer in Croyde, not to mention she was bringing him for a visit. When they stepped off the train, Linda was waiting to greet her daughter and Finn never forgot how her face instantly fell seeing him carry her bags. A quick introduction was followed by a long, silent car ride to the house. As soon as they were through the front door, Linda rattled off a litany of questions aimed at Rae while side-eyeing Finn. When Karim appeared from the kitchen, Finn sighed with relief in response to his kind expression. He stepped directly in front of Linda, placing a hand on her shoulder as he passed and cutting through her intense focus. Her entire demeanor relaxed in his presence. This was the first of countless times Finn watched Karim run delicate interference between Linda and Rae over the years.  

Karim wrapped an arm around Finn’s shoulders. “Good to see you. Almost a father, yeah?”

Finn smiled, placing a hand on Karim’s back and patting him a few times. “Soon.” The two men broke apart, turning to Linda and Rae. Finn tilted his head towards the house. “Should we go inside?”

“Yes, inside!” Karim waved for everyone to follow him. Linda hurriedly rushed ahead of everyone, pushing her way through the front door and dashing into the living room. 

Finn slowed his pace, allowing Karim and Rae through the entry ahead of him. As Rae passed, he gave her arse a gentle tap. She turned, glaring at him. He chuckled softly, stepping directly behind her, placing his hands on her hips and falling instep with her stride. He leaned forward toward her ear. “You’re beautiful.” 

Inside the house, a doorway into the kitchen was a few feet in on the left wall and directly in front of them a short hallway opened into the large living and dining room conversion. Little had changed in the Bushtat house since Finn’s first visit. The two sofas in the living area had faded from the sunlight entering the house through the large glass sliding doors along the back wall of the house. Directly behind them, a whicker sitting area next to the glass top dining room table lead to the back garden. To the left, the dining table was centered between a window and a secondary door into the kitchen. 

As Rae and Finn entered the living room through the front hallway, Linda quickly came into view standing proudly next to a cot. “Ta da!” She threw a hand up in the air, as if she were modeling a product for an outdated game show. 

“Mum, what is that?” Finn couldn’t see her face, but by Rae’s tone he envisioned her nose and brow scrunching together. He smiled to himself, dropping his face downward and holding back a laugh momentarily.  _Bless her for trying. At least this kid will have one grandmother that’s around to try._

“What do you mean ‘ _what is it’_?” Linda sounded indignant as she turned to look at the baby bed. “It’s a cot!” She motioned towards it with her palms facing upwards and her fingers outstretched as if accentuating her frustration. 

Finn preemptively responded, “It’s lovely, Linda.” 

Hearing Finn’s voice, Linda turned and smiled. Crossing the room, she put a hand to his cheek. “Thank you, love. I knew  _you_  would appreciate it.” She motioned for everyone to sit. Finn watched as Rae held her stomach and dropped herself onto the couch along the wall next to the staircase, which lead to the second floor bedrooms. The cushions let out a soft puff of air as she landed on them. Linda quickly turned and settled herself next to Rae before Finn could sit. He laughed to himself, taking two steps across the room to the open seat next to Karim on the other sofa. He smiled at Karim, who quickly broke the silence that had fallen in the room, “How’s work?”

“Good, you know, busy.” Finn shrugged, briefly glancing over to Rae. It was never worth trying to explain what either of them did to their parents. Within moments, Linda and Karim’s eyes would glaze over whenever they went into details. Rae intently stared at Finn with wide eyes, he mockingly matched her expression. Linda leaned over Rae’s belly, an ear to her abdomen, eyes closed and humming to the baby. Finn adored having silent communication with Rae. Over the years it had grown from drawing on each other to exchanging seemingly innocent glances. Her expression told him volumes. At this moment, she was both horrified and amused by her mum. Linda could be completely endearing, but mostly over-the-top. 

Linda continued to coo and hum before sitting up and angling herself towards her daughter. “So, Rae, how you been feeling?”

Rae continued in conversation with her mum and Finn turned back to Karim with a warm smile. “How’s Meriem? You used to having a teenage daughter yet?”

Karim shook his head, pursing his lips. “Meriem isn’t ready to be a teenage daughter yet…” He continued talking and Finn let his mind drift as Karim’s pet canaries sang from their enclosure in the backyard. 

Meriem was Rae’s little sister, born during her first year at college after Linda and Karim married on holiday in Tunisia. Finn met her when she was three on their first trip to Lincolnshire. Her precocious spirit and bold personality made it easy for Finn to see commonalities between all the women in Rae’s family. Over the past ten years, every visit was full of quality time with Meriem and Finn quickly adopted her as a little sister. He collected a mental picture album that made him smile full of trips to the park, teaching her how to play footie, making messes in the kitchen with her and Rae as the three cooked breakfasts for the family, and nights babysitting to give Linda and Karim time away together. His love for Rae grew deeper through knowing her in the context of family. Growing up, Finn had been an only child raised by his dad. After their first year in uni, Finn was certain becoming a part of Rae’s family was the beginning of building their own together eventually. 

“Finn…Finn! Are you listening?” 

Linda’s voice pulled his attention back to the conversation. “Sorry, what Linda?” She sat next to Rae with an exacerbated look on her face, eyebrows pulled down and mouth hanging slightly open. 

“You and Karim have been over there going on about Meriem, meanwhile over here I can’t get Rae to tell me any details about the baby. Will you please?” She motioned her head towards Rae, indicating she wanted his help coaxing information.  _Rae isn’t the only woman in this house who thinks we can secretly communicate._

“Mum, I told you it’s been uneventful. There’s a baby in here…” she poked her stomach as if it were a science experiment. “I don’t know what else you want to hear.”

“That’s it? It’s your  _first_  baby! Don’t you want to talk to me about what it’s like being pregnant? Ask questions? Bloody hell, have you even asked the doctor the sex yet?” Linda raised her voice an octave as she ended to punctuate her point. 

“We just found out it’s a boy.” Rae offered a sheepish smile.

"What?! I have to pull that detail out of you like a bloody dentist! Here I would think that would be something you would  _want_  to tell us. A boy! It’s about bloody time.” She turned her attention to Karim and Finn. “You two gentlemen won’t be so outnumbered! Karim always wanted a little boy. I mean, we tried so hard to have another. Remember that Rae? God, you used to pitch such a fit about how noisy we were!” 

Rae rolled her eyes. Linda’s pension for inappropriate discussions amused Finn. He often found himself wondering if his mum would have been the same or more reserved. He couldn’t remember much about her, but he liked to think she would have embarrassed him too.  _Linda may be ridiculous, but she’ll be a brilliant grandmother._

Rae abruptly changed the subject, “Mum, we don’t have anywhere to put the cot, plus I think Finn and I would like to pick out our own.” She quickly glanced at Finn before continuing, “I mean, we’re thankful it’s just we haven’t figured out where things will be yet.” 

“Oh, love, your flat is  _way_  too small for the cot. I think we can keep it here for the baby. Could you stay a bit longer on this visit? We can go to the shops and look for little boy things! Oh little boy things, how exciting!” Linda looked directly at Karim, giving him a broad smile and raising her shoulders.

“Um, mum…We really need to get to Gary’s house before it’s too late. Maybe we can come back again before the baby’s born, depends on work.” Rae pulled her eyebrows together and looked at Finn concerned. He pulled his mouth down and shook his head.  _I have no idea why Linda wants to keep the cot here. Fuck knows why Linda does anything._ He looked to Karim who smiled and nodded.  _Bless it Karim, bloody help out here._

Linda quickly stood, placing her hands on her hips. “Well, let’s eat. Since we can’t convince you to stay longer best make use of the time you are willing to give us. Will it be your father’s pleasure to host you two again tonight, Finn?”

“Uh, yeah. Haven’t seen my da in a few months either. We thought it would be good to visit him at the same time. We’ll head back to London in the morning.” He offered Linda a smile, but knew her question was loaded with jealousy about their preference for staying with Finn’s da overnight.

Linda pulled her lips to one side. “Hmmm.” She turned and disappeared into the kitchen before Rae could interject. Karim followed, placing a hand on Finn’s shoulder as he stood, giving a reassuring squeeze.  _Fuck, it’s never simple with Linda._

Finn stood, shaking his head as he approached Rae. “See, she doesn’t  _always_  love me. I’m the scapegoat for why we never stay the night on our visits anymore.” 

Rae gave him a warm smile as he pulled her up from the couch. “Well, maybe not, but it’s one of the many reasons you’re my hero. Besides, there’s no room for us to stay, Meriem is too old for us to take her room anymore.” She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and kissed him softly. 

Finn returned the gesture pulling her close, Rae’s belly pushed into his abdomen. After a moment, he the baby kicked into his stomach and he laughed before looking down. “Watch it, you.”

****

Linda reemerged from the kitchen, holding a large round dish with a lid. “Hot pot! I know it’s your favorite, Finn.”  

Rae rolled her eyes, mumbling, “ _Your_  favorite…” She turned away from Finn, brushing past him towards the dining room. Linda and Karim continued bringing several plates of food in from the kitchen: vegetables, pickled red cabbage, and drinks. Finn settled in a chair next to Rae, while Linda and Karim sat directly across from them. 

“Mum, where’s Meriem?” Rae shifted her gaze towards the stairs.  _I haven’t seen her in a few months. Wait, why wasn’t she downstairs when we got in?_

“Oh, she’s out with friends, love.” Linda waved a hand in front of her face, dismissing Rae’s question.

“She’s thirteen, what ‘friends’ is she out with when she should be at home for dinner?” Rae jutted her chin forward.  _Mum is just being weird, well weirder than usual._

“Rae, please. She’s having a sleepover at a friend’s house. We wanted to have a special time to catch-up with you and Finn. You’ll see her on your next visit, assuming you plan on coming back.” She reached down and lifted the top off the earthenware dish in the middle of the table. She pushed a large, metal spoon into the hot pot. Rae was overpowered with the smell of onions, potatoes and meat. Normally the anticipation of the warm, savory flavors on her tongue would make her giddy. However, it was not the case today. Her stomach turned and Rae pushed down an overwhelming sense of nausea. Karim lifted a bowl of cabbage from the table, offering it to Rae. She closed her eyes, wanting to take a deep breath but knowing it would only exacerbate her body’s response. She shook her head and focused on not vomiting.  _Fuck, I hate feeling nauseous. No vomitorium. Think of anything else. Kittens, clouds, sunshine…_

Linda’s voice broke through her concentration. “Sensitive to smells, love?”

Finn answered for her, “Sometimes, but it hasn’t been a big issue since her first trimester.” Finn’s hand wrapped over the top of Rae’s thigh and gently squeezed around the sides. He leaned into her. “You ok?”

“Yeah, just give me a minute.” She took a few deep breaths in through her mouth before opening her eyes. Rae looked around the table at everyone’s concerned faces. “It’ll pass, go ahead.” She motioned for them to serve food. Rae continued focusing on keeping her nausea at bay as Finn, Karim and Linda started up their conversation again. She wasn’t paying close attention to the topic, but caught every few words. Suddenly, she picked up enough of what was being said understand they were talking about her giving birth. Without hesitating, she interjected, “We’re not having anyone in the delivery room. It’ll just be the two of us.”

Everyone stopped and looked at her. Karim was the first to respond. “That makes sense.” He wrapped an arm around the back of Linda’s chair and looked sideways at her. Rae braced herself for her mum’s argument to be allowed in the delivery room.  _Come on, mum. I knew this was coming, let’s get it out of the way._  Finn’s hand moved to her thigh again, this time his index finger drew a question mark over her skin. 

Linda nodded. “Ok, love. If that’s what you want.” She smiled before putting a fork full of hot pot in her mouth and chewing.

Rae forced her mouth to stay closed.  _What the bloody hell? Is this a trick?_ “Are you sure, mum? I thought you would fight me to be in there with a camera or something.” 

Linda pulled her head back, scrunching her features together. “Rae, why would I fight you? It’s your baby. If you don’t want us in there that’s your choice.” 

“Ok…” Rae and Finn looked at each other simultaneously before turning back to Linda and Karim.  _I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’m not going to question it. Maybe mum actually understands for once._ “If we’re talking about these things anyway, Finn and I really appreciate the cot but I don’t think we’ll use it at your house much.” She shrugged apologetically. “There’s so little room here, so it’s not likely we’ll stay over. Meriem really needs her own space, even when someone is visiting.”  _Please let this pass too, don’t let her get mad._

“Now that’s a part of why Karim and I wanted to talk tonight without her here.” Linda put down the fork in her hand and shifted in her seat. 

_Oh shit, here it comes._ Rae leaned against the back of the chair and braced herself.

Linda looked at Karim. “Can I just tell them or do you want to do it?”

Karim smiled. “I’d like to say.” 

“Go on, love.” Linda encouraged him, nodding towards Finn and Rae.

“What’s going on, mum? Oh God, you’re not having another baby…are you?” Rae’s eyes widened.  _Holy shit. We’re going to have babies at the same time. This is a nightmare. She wouldn’t do this. She couldn’t do this. Could she? There’s no way she could still have a baby. She’s been through the change, right? She talked about it so much I can’t actually remember if it happened or not._

Karim interrupted Rae’s thoughts, “We’re moving to Tunisia.”

Everything stopped and Rae looked back and forth between Karim and Linda’s faces.  _What the fuck? They’re joking. They must be joking. Right? Wait. No one is laughing._  Finn cleared his throat, jolting Rae. “Mum, what the fuck?”

“Rae, watch your language,” Linda said with a disapproving tone as she narrowed her eyes. “This is exactly why Meriem is out. I knew you would overreact. And why the bloody hell would you think we were having another baby? You know I’ve been through  _the change_.” 

“Overreact? Mum, you’re sitting here telling us you are picking up and moving to Tunisia. Me thinking you’re having another baby is more logical than  _moving to Tunisia_. How long have you been planning this?”

“Well, you know Karim has wanted to move back for a long time and we decided it was best to do it while Meriem would have plenty of time to make friends and invest in relationships before she moves off to uni.” Linda picked her fork up again and resumed eating. She raised her eyebrows and assumed an overly cheerful disposition. 

“Let me get this straight,  _we’re_  having a baby and  _you_  decided to move it’s grandparents and aunt  _thousands_  of miles away?” The muscles in Rae’s back tensed and she sat up straight, leaning towards the table to accentuate her disbelief. 

“Only  _two_  thousand. It’s an easy trip.” Karim offered a broad smile. 

_She’s fucking taking our family away. What the fuck? So, she’s not going to be here for her grandchild. Is that how things are happening? She’s the only fucking grandmother!_ Rae kept herself mindful of Finn’s response in her peripheral vision.  _Poor Finn._

“Rae, don’t be dramatic. You can come visit, we’ll come visit. It will be fine.” She waved a dismissive hand in front of Rae again. “You even just said it, you weren’t planning on spending much time with us anyway. Why would you want us to stay around for you’re family if you didn’t have plans to be here for ours? You and Finn used to come stay all the time, but ever since getting pregnant I can’t do anything to get you here and God forbid I mention visiting you in London.” 

“Linda, we never want you to think we don’t  _want_  to visit. Work keeps us both so busy, we barely see my da either,” Finn said apologetically. 

“Finn, don’t. This isn’t about us, this is about them. Mum, don’t say that like you’re moving because we don’t come visit more often. This takes longer than a few months to plan.” 

“Rae, don’t be defensive.” Linda tutted at her daughter. “Now, we know it will be a challenge with us being so far away, but it will only be for a few years until Meriem goes to uni, then we’ll move back. While we’re away, we have an offer for you two…” she trailed off, glancing over to Karim. “We want you two to move in here and live in the house. It would be rent free, just utilities.” 

As Linda talked, Finn placed a bite of food in his mouth and swallowed right as she finished her proposal, causing him to loudly cough. Rae reached over, slapping him on the back. _Fuck, is he choking? If you die, I will kill you._

Finn grabbed the glass of water in front of him, taking a large swig. He took the napkin from his lap, wiping his mouth before looking at Linda. “I’m sorry, you want us to move to Lincolnshire? Our jobs aren’t here, our life is in London.” 

“We know that, but there are plenty of opportunities and both of you talk about how overworked you are. Neither of you is getting ahead in London. Do you  _really_  want to raise a baby in that big city with no money? Think about it, here you’ll have a house that’s paid for, plenty of room, a second car, Rae knows the town so well it will be like reliving her childhood through the baby.” 

Karim poured more water into Finn’s glass from a pitcher on the table. “It’s a good idea, yeah? Great for your family, great for us, it will keep us all closer while we are far apart.”

Rae took his tone as a measure of reassurance for everyone, but it only made her stomach tighten. “I can’t fucking believe all this. You do know how daft all this sounds, right? It makes no sense and we’re not moving to Lincolnshire. As if I didn’t want to do it in the first place, the moment you said I could  _relive_  my childhood I wanted to run out the front door and back to London. For fuck’s sake, this place was like a house of pain growing up and it’s lucky mum and I worked through all the rough times. You’re taking Meriem away from  _her_  childhood, which has been a hell of a lot happier than mine.” Rae couldn’t control the words coming from her mouth, for the first time in years she was wasn’t filtering thoughts before expressing them. “You’re about to have your first grandchild and you won’t even be here to meet him. For fuck’s sake. Not sure why I ever would have expected less than a stunt like this from you, mum.” Rae shook her head. “I just thought you would have taken us into consideration a bit more before making such a big decision.” 

Finn put his arm around her shoulders and leaned into her. “Rae, calm down. You don’t mean what you’re saying.” 

“Rae, you’re being dramatic. You two are adults, starting your own family. If you don’t want to live here we can find someone to lease it for a few years, we wanted to offer it to you two first. If this house, this town, this place has such horrible memories for you then I can understand why you stopped visiting. The past years have been full of loads of happy memories for us, you and Finn have been a big part of those, a big part of this family. I never thought you felt otherwise.” Her voice grew louder as the spoke, “I know I wasn’t the perfect mum when you were little, but I did the best I knew how. Things have been so lovely between us, I’m not sure why you’re spoiling something we’re so excited about.” 

It was Karim’s turn to calm Linda, placing a hand over hers resting on the table. “Linda, not like this.”

He looked at Rae, who forced herself to hold back tears.  _Why am I crying?_ Rae knew she was an adult, but suddenly was overwhelmed like a child being left behind.  _I’m being ridiculous. Why would her moving make me feel like she’s leaving me. I didn’t even feel this way when she and Karim ran off and got married in Tunisia._ She blinked, moisture pooling into the corners of her eyes. Finn’s hand squeezed her shoulder. 

Karim studied Rae a moment and she met his focus. He continued, “We love you and Finn. You are deciding what is right for your family, we are deciding what is right for ours…”

Rae cut him short, “But we  _are_  your family.”

“Yes, but it is best for us to go, just like it is best for you to not move back here. You are certain of that, yes? And you want us to respect your decision knowing that it doesn’t mean you don’t love us, yes?”

“I suppose.” Rae looked at Linda, who had turned her focus to Karim. 

“So you understand? You, Linda and Meriem are my three girls, forever.” Karim’s face reflected a patience and understanding Rae appreciated. His demeanor brought a calm into their house that never faltered.  _However mum found you, thank God. You say the things I need to hear from her. You’re our fucking translator and English isn’t even your first language._

“I know. I just, I never thought you wouldn’t be here when we did want to come back.” Rae reached up to her shoulder, taking Finn’s hand in hers and squeezing his fingers.  _God, my life would be so different without him. My life will be so different knowing my family isn’t in this house. I hated this house for so many years, why do I care?_

Linda chimed in, “That means you will have to bring the baby to Tunisia! It  _will_  sort out, Rae. We’ll only be away a few years, then we’ll be back in the house like nothing ever changed.” She reached across the table, offering her hand to Rae. 

Rae reached out, taking her mum’s hand. “If you say so.” 

“Let’s eat!” Karim lifted both hands from the table, motioning for everyone to resume eating. 

Her nausea passed, Rae lifted the spoon in the hot pot and filled her plate. She rolled her eyes closed as the warm flavors hit her tongue. Her body  filled with a mixture of warmness from being cared for by her mum’s cooking and sadness knowing these moments would become rarer by distance, not choice.  _Why did I start taking them for granted? Why did we stop coming to stay? Why did my life start seeming so much more important without them in it regularly?_  

The rest of dinner passed with conversations centered around moving to Tunisia, birth plans, work, and Meriem’s school. After a few hours, the table was cleared, dishes piled into the kitchen and their time together drawing to a close. Linda, Karim, Finn and Rae stood at the front door, hugging and saying good-byes. 

Linda wrapped her arms around Rae’s shoulders, pulling her daughter in tightly. Rae returned the gesture. “I love you, mum. Sorry I can be so difficult.”

“Love, you come by it honestly. Pretty sure I taught you most of what you know.” She pulled back, moving her hands to Rae’s stomach and looking her in the eyes. “You two will come back before we’re gone, yeah? You have to spend some time with Meriem, she wouldn’t forgive me otherwise. Maybe you two can pack up her room together. Plus we need to go shopping for this little one. Don’t think just because we’ll be further away that he won’t be spoiled like the Prince of England!”

“Of course. We’ll decide on something in the next month or two.” She offered her mum a reassuring nod.

“Things weren’t so bad here, right Rae? You were happy sometimes. I know…” she trailed off as she shifted her gaze to Finn before continuing, “you are happier now. We are both happier now.” She nodded towards Karim. “We both have our special someones, but you need to know that you were my original special someone.  No matter how many ups and downs we had, you were my first love.”

“I know, mum. Things are changing and even though Finn and I are adults now it surprises me how much I’m still just a kid sometimes.”

“That never changes, love.” Linda kissed Rae on the cheek before moving over to Finn and wrapping him in an embrace. 

Karim pulled Rae towards him, whispering into her ear, “My lovely girl. You will be an amazing mother. I cannot wait to meet my  _grandson_.” 

The four parted, Finn and Rae turning towards the car. Rae tugged at the keys in Finn’s hand. “Mind if I drive?” 

“Of course not, it will give me time to sleep.” He ambled to the passenger side, opening the door and plopping himself into the seat. Rae stood watching him.  _Smooth fucker, I don’t think I’ll ever stop finding him sexy. I hope I don’t. Plus, he deals with my family, he’s a saint._

She settled herself next to him in the car, starting the engine and putting the car in reverse. They offered a final wave to Linda and Karim, who stood on the front step smiling with an arm wrapped around each other. Rae shifted the car into gear and reversed onto the street. Turning and pulling forward, the neighborhood blurred past them. 

Finn fiddled with the radio knob. He grunted and made disapproving noises as one station after another played Lady Gaga, Calvin Harris, Muse and Pitbull. “Fuck, it’s all going to shit.” He turned toward the center console, opening the lid and digging around.

“What are you doing?”

“Looking for the iPod chord. I’m over these twats and their crap FM. I can only handle so much of it a day before I need to shower my brain with better tunes.”

“Finn, it’s in the glove box. Don’t be dramatic, you sound like an old man. What’s really bothering you?”

He leaned forward, pulling open the tiny glove box and thrusting his hand in, moving around napkins and other bits of paper. He dug out a long, white chord. “Here we go! He plugged one end into the AUX adapter on the dash and the other into the iPod he pulled out of Rae’s bag. “Nothing’s wrong.”

“Come on, you. Something’s wrong. Might as well tell me now before we get to your da’s. We have an hour at least.” 

Finn pushed the back of his head into the seat, closing his eyes and taking a breath. Rae stole a glance at him, trying to assess his mood.  _Normally I’m the one in a state when we leave mum’s house. What’s he got to be worked up about?_

He opened his yes, looking over to Rae, pulling one of her hands from the wheel and taking it in his. “I can’t believe they’re moving. All the memories with your family. All the memories with  _you_  in that house. They won’t be there anymore.” He sighed. “I never got sad about things changing with my da, because…I don’t know, I just didn’t. It was only the two of us, never much of a family. This is the first time it hit me that we’re having a kid and two of the three grandparents won’t be around. Seems a little bit selfish.” 

“They are fucking selfish, but maybe Karim’s right. We’re doing what’s best for us and they’re doing what’s best for them. That’s normal, right? That’s a part of growing up and starting your own family. I mean, who the fuck knows. How do we get it all right? We just sort it out and love each other the best we can…yeah? I’m starting to understand what my mum means when she always says, ‘I did the best I could’.”

Finn examined her hand as he laughed, “when did you get so rational?”

“Excuse me. Fuck you, dickhead. I’m the model of rational.” She feigned an offended look.

“Oh, I’m sorry - have we met? My name is Finn, and you  _are?_ ”

“Someone you don’t know very well.”

“Really? That’s how it’s going to be? Shall we revisit the Edinburgh debacle of 2005?” He laughed loudly, dropping her hand and poking Rae in the ribs.

“Hey, not fair, I’m driving!!” She tried to pull her body sideways to get away from him, but there wasn’t enough room. “And don’t you dare bring up Edinburgh! You know that wasn’t my fault.” 

“Mmmm, I’d like to argue it was. You’re an adult, Rae. Own your choices. These are the stories I’ll tell our children as cautionary tales.” 

“Look, it was dark. You had been drinking too, so it’s not like I was the only one who’s judgement was off.” 

“Rae, there’s pissed and then there’s legless. You were  _legless_ , stumbling down Royal Mile, and you tried to hop onto the back of the Robert Fergusson statue. I was innocently walking, you ran ahead like a small child and then fell off before you even got a good hold. You gave yourself a concussion. Who does that?  _Not_  a rational person.”

“You can fuck right off, if we’re walking down memory lane I do believe you tried to punch the statue for ‘dropping’ me. I wasn’t so legless that I can’t remember that much. You were telling me to be more spontaneous…so I was! Now who’s fault is that? You’re the bad influence in this story.”

“Right, clearly we still had some growing up to do way back then. Glad we’ve taken care of that and would  _never_  do anything that foolish again,” sarcasm dripped from Finn’s lips as he spoke.

She waited a few beats before retorting, “Fuck, I got knocked up…does that count as a foolish or an adult decision?” 

"Yet to be determined. Do you at least love the bloke who put you in this delicate condition?" 

"Eh, I think we can work it out." She gave him a cheeky grin. “Only  _adult_  decisions from here on out. Deal, dickhead?”

“Deal, my dear.” They each raised a hand in unison, clinking imaginary glasses. “We’re adults. Done and done.”

Rae focused on the road in front of them, pulling onto the A1 South. The opening bars to David Bowie’s [“Heros”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tgcc5V9Hu3g) vibrated through the audio speakers. Finn reached down and rotated the volume dial on the iPod up. The windows rattled with each guitar riff. Finn dramatically sang along to the instruments, producing noises akin to a whale. Suddenly, he turned to Rae, loudly singing the first chorus…

_I, I will be king_

_You, You will be queen_

_Though nothing will drive them away_

_We can be heroes, just for one day_

_We can be us, just for one day_

Rae chuckled, shifting her eyes to him before looking back to the road.  _He’s such a nutter._ The baby moved, pushing at her sides as if he was dancing. Finn continued singing loudly, leaning over at moments to sing to the baby and coax Rae into joining. She took a deep breath before belting out the final refrain with him…

_I, I remember_

_Standing, by the wall_

_And the guns shot above our heads_

_And we kissed,_

_as though nothing could fall_

_And the same was on the other side_

_Oh we can beat them, for ever and ever_

_Then we could be Heroes_

_Just for one day_

_———————————————_

**Chapter Three**

Finn and Rae sat on the tube, headed to a dinner for the BBC. Rae’s department finished a large project and management wanted to show their appreciation by plying everyone with food and booze. Rae would have preferred a bonus, but like the diligent employees they were, she and Finn dressed up and prepared themselves for an evening full of schmoozing. Rae stared at her shoes, rolling her feet from side-to-side on the heels. Finn sat next to her, resting his head on her shoulder. The sway of the train and the rhythmic movement of her feet lulled them both into a peaceful silence. Finn angled his head towards Rae’s ear, his breath was warm and tickled her skin. “Let’s have a baby.”

It took a moment for what he said to register. She stopped her feet abruptly, turning to him and causing Finn’s head to drop from her shoulder. He lifted his head to face her. Rae stared into his eyes, which were slightly glazed over and dreamy. She focused on his deep brown irises, almost forgetting what he said. He reached up, brushing her cheek with his thumb, pulling her focus back.

Rae laughed nervously, “What did you say?”  _Such a weird joke to make right now._

“Let’s have a baby.” 

“Oh, ok. See, I thought  _I_  was having a stroke. But no,  _you’re_  having the stroke.” She turned forward again, relaxing back into the chair. _Trying to be funny and epically failing, so bloody adorable. Like we’re having a baby!_

Finn continued staring at the side of her face. “I’m serious.”

Rae shook her head, laughing quietly to herself, “No you’re not.”

“Yes, I am,” Finn’s tone was gentle, but somber.

She slowly turned to face him again. “What?”

“I want us to have a baby.” He smiled, leaning forward in an effort to kiss her.

Rae pulled her face backwards. “Are you daft?”

“You know  _getting_  pregnant would be fun. Come on, let’s give it a go, yeah?” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, leaning further into her. 

Rae leaned her body back to maintain distance between them so she could study his face. _Why isn’t he laughing? He has to be joking. I’m lucky I have clean clothes on a regular basis. No way am I ready to take care of someone else. I hardly take care of Finn and he speaks in full sentences._

“Don’t you want to have a baby with me?” He slowly blinked at her.

_Fuck you and your chocolate eyes._ Rae stared at him intently. After a beat, she knitted her forehead and scrunched her nose, letting her mouth fall open slightly. Finn took the opportunity to silence her with a deep kiss, his tongue dancing across their lips and meeting her tongue. A hand traveled up to her breast, squeezing it.  _What’s he doing? We’re in public!_ A chill went through Rae, her eyes closed and nerve endings tingled.  _Public._  Her mind half-heartedly protested, as her body pushed into Finn overcome with want. She could faintly hear the automated announcement of the car arriving at a station over the blood rushing in her ears. Every part of her was on fire. Her hands found the lapel of Finn’s jacket. She rubbed the charcoal grey wool between her fingers before sliding a hand underneath the side and around his waist. She moaned, the vibrations radiating from her chest, up her throat and across Finn’s lips. His rib muscles flexed as he shifted in his seat, pulling Rae closer. A dull ache radiated on Rae’s side, but she pushed it out of her mind to focus on the sensation of Finn’s hand traveling up her inner thigh. As he reached under her skirt, the aching sensation in her abdomen turned to a sharp pain. Rae’s eyes snapped open.

It took her a moment to adjust. She was asleep in Finn’s room at Gary’s house. He was next to her, laying on his stomach with a hand draped over her gently cupping her right breast. His mouth was slightly open and eyes closed. She exhaled sharply. “God damn it!”  _It was a fucking dream._ The muscle in her torso spasmed again. She reached down to her side, pushing on it. 

Finn shook awake abruptly, pulling his hand from Rae and propping himself up. “Who?”

“Nothing, go back to sleep.” Rae patted him on the head.

Finn lazily dropped back down on the bed, burying his face in the pillow. Rae massaged the muscle on her side, attempting to ease the tension. She looked at the slanted ceiling above them. Rain fell on a skylight window. By the dim light in the sky, Rae assumed it was early morning, even with the rain. The visit to her mum’s seemed like more than a mere twelve hours ago. They arrived at Gary’s in Stamford near seven, chatted over a light dinner and watched a movie before saying good night.  _That was a really good dream._ She pushed into her side.  _Little fucker, why did you wake me up?!_  Rae focused on the rain beading on the glass and streaking down to the edge of the frame. She rolled her eyes closed, focusing on the light tap of the falling water on the glass above them.  _Hand going up my thigh._ Just as her body began to relax, the muscle on her torso sharply spasmed again. “Motherfucker!”

Finn pulled his head up. “What?”

“Nothing.” She groaned slightly, turning on her side towards him.  _Maybe it’s being on my back._

“You’re shouting, why?” She could tell by his tone Finn was still half asleep.

“I was in the middle of a dream about the first time you brought up having a baby on the train, except instead of talking we were having sex. Then this little bastard woke me up. Fucking muscle spasm. Go back to sleep.” Rae ran her fingers through Finn’s hair. 

His eyes fluttered open, taking a moment to focus through the gray early morning light. “Come again?”

“I wish I could, I was getting close.” 

“You were having a sex dream about when we talked on the train about getting pregnant?” 

“Yeah, it was pretty hot too. Best sex dream I’ve had in ages. So unsatisfying to wake up before we got to the really good part.” Rae rested her hand on Finn’s neck.  

“Wait, do you want to have sex?” His eyes widened and Rae could tell he was fully awake now.

“No.” She rolled on her back again. 

Finn propped himself up next to her. “You sure?”

“No. I just, I feel so big and ugly. In the dream I was beautiful and myself before getting pregnant. God, it was lovely.” She closed her eyes, visualizing how she saw herself on the train. Without warning, a deep sadness washed over Rae. She pursed her mouth.  _Don’t you fucking cry. Stop being a lunatic._

“Girl, don’t be sad.” He shifted, angling himself slightly over her. “You’re so sexy.”

Rae shook her head.  _God, you being sweet isn’t helping._ She worked harder to push back tears.  _Fucking pregnancy. As if I weren’t mental enough without all these hormones._

Finn continued, “No no no, Rae. I will always love you, no matter what you weigh. I’ll love you even if we never have sex again.”

She snapped her eyes open, staring at him. “Fuck off.” 

“I’m serious. You can put that in stone, even if we never have sex again I’ll still love you.” He leaned in to kiss her, but before he got to her lips Rae pulled the pillow from under her and hit him with it in the side of the head. 

“What kind of thing is that to say? ‘If we never have sex again’? In my mind we were just about to have the sauciest public sex and your response is to tell me it’s ok if we ‘never have sex again’?” She pushed the pillow into his face.

Finn grabbed the pillow from his side of the bed, sitting up and swinging it at Rae’s head. He caught her directly on the cheek and nose, sending her face sideways. She pulled her head back, narrowing her eyes at him and swinging the pillow in her hand at him again. She missed. The muscle in her abdomen seized again and Rae bent sideways into the pain. “For fucks sake!” Finn stopped, putting his pillow down on the bed and staring at her. When she looked up, his face was full of concern. “It’s ok. Just a muscle spasm.” 

“You sure? Could you be in labor?” Finn’s chest rose and fell faster, a sign his heart rate was rising.

Rae watched the movement momentarily, the muscles around his bare torso tightening, before placing a reassuring hand on his forearm. “No, I’m sure. It’s just a cramp on one side. Doctor said it might start happening more often. If it carries on I’ll call when we’re back in London. Come here.” She pulled him back down to lay on the bed next to her.

Finn stuffed a pillow under his face, settling himself down on his stomach again. “So a sex dream? You’re sure you don’t want to finish it off with me? I can make it worth your while.”

“I’m sure. Sorry, love, between the hormones, the cramped muscle, and this giant weight around my tummy it’s better we not.” She rolled her head sideways to look at him. “Do you mind?”

He rubbed half his face with the palm of his left hand. “Not going to lie, pretty sure this is the longest we’ve gone without sex since we started dating. I’m not complaining, just know I’ll be ready whenever you are. You just say ‘go’.”  

“Am I being horrible?”

His hand moved to playing with locks of the tangled dark hair cascading from behind her head across the pillow. “No no, don’t think that. This is another part of living a life together, yeah? Sometimes we’ll be all over each other and other times not. I’m optimistic the physical stuff cycles and we’ll get back around to being all over each other soon enough.” He smiled at her.

“I hope so.” Rae stroked his jawline with her fingertips.

“Let’s get back to this dream, so it was on the tube when we were off to that dinner?”

“Yeah, weird. Except when you asked me if I wanted to have a baby, instead of fighting we kissed. That lead to other stuff until the muscle spasm woke me up just when I was getting to the good part.” 

“Real life would have been more fun that way. You went from being relaxed and happy to mad that night.” He softly chuckled before continuing, “You barely talked to me at dinner. You kept thinking I was taking a piss.”

“It was just so random when you brought it up. We hadn’t even talked about it before. I mean, maybe mentioned it and we knew it would happen eventually but I just kept thinking it was all further off.” 

“So the reasonable thing to do was jump my bones before we even got home. I could barely get you back to the flat before you were unzipping my pants.” 

“Thought I would call your bluff, but you weren’t taking a piss. All the drinks at dinner didn’t help my decision-making process either.”

“Nope.” His lips wrapped around the word, puckering around the last syllable. “Only a month after getting off birth control you were pregnant. I didn’t think it could happen that quickly.”

“Me neither. It took ages for other people we knew to get pregnant. I was an accidental overachiever when it came to being fertile for fuck’s sake.” She laughed. “Who would have guessed?” 

Finn turned his head towards the clock. “Only six-thirty, we should sleep more. Here…” He quickly got on his knees, straddling Rae and pushing her towards where he had been laying. She gave him a questioning look.  _What the fuck is he doing?_  As if he could hear her thought, Finn answered, “Move over and turn on your side away from me.” She obliged. He angled himself behind her, curling his legs behind hers and pushing his fingers into the tense muscle on her side. He massaged it slowly, working into the ache of her side. Rae moaned, closing her eyes. Finn’s head rested behind hers, his breath warm on her earlobe. “Relax.”  

****

Finn stared at the clock. Eight-thirty. He’d only been able to lightly doze off since Rae woke him earlier, while she snored softly next to him. The rain continued falling on the window as the sun hid behind the clouds.  _I have to take a piss_. Finn carefully sat up, keeping his eyes on Rae as he tried not to stir her. The double bed in his room was pushed against the wall and since she shifted to the side facing the room, he would have to climb over the metal footboard at the end of the mattress. As he left his room, closing the door quietly behind him, Finn heard Gary in the kitchen. He quickly stopped into the loo before making his way downstairs, treading lightly in his socks on the wood. When he rounded the doorframe into the kitchen, he saw his dad busy pulling food from the fridge.

“Eating all that yourself?”

Gary stood, looking at Finn over the top of the appliance door. “Morning, son. Thought I would cook you two something proper before you get off to London.” He spun on his heels, closing the door behind him. The makings for eggs, bacon, beans and toast were laid out on the counter. Gary stepped over to them, motioning to a french press full of coffee a few inches away. “That’s ready if you are.”

Finn scratched the back of his head before opening a cabinet door and pulling out a ceramic mug. “You know you don’t have to feed us like we’re starving uni kids.” 

“You say that, but be honest - how much food is at your house?”

“Not much.” He poured coffee into the mug, studying the dark liquid momentarily before turning to his dad. “We are miserable at shopping. It’s the last thing we remember.”

“I know. If I feed you a solid breakfast, then you can just get takeaway for dinner later.” Gary winked at his son.

“You make us sound hopeless.” 

“Nah, not hopeless. You both keep thinking someone else is going to take care of all the mundane details, even though you have the means to do it yourself. That won’t last much longer, a baby changes all that because if you don’t take care of the mundane details you’re fucked.” Gary chuckled as he busied himself cooking. “You’re both so caught up in having these interesting careers and lives, I’m not sure if you really know what’s coming with that little one.” He pointed a finger upstairs. 

Finn moaned, “We got it covered.” 

“Yeah, you sure? Any closer to getting married yet?” Gary raised his eyebrows at Finn.

“You know good and well that’s not me. Rae doesn’t want to get married. I’ve asked her a hundred times.” He sighed.  _I’m so tired of having this conversation over and over again with our parents. Why does getting married matter to them if it doesn’t to us?_

“Hmm, but you two are still committed to staying together?”

“You know we are. Besides, in your experience does marriage keep someone from leaving?” Finn studied his dad’s features.  _When I’m standing here with my son I won’t bother him about details like getting married._

Gary narrowed his eyes briefly before turning back to the food. “Suppose not.” He paused before continuing, “You sure she won’t leave though?” 

“Da, this is Rae we’re talking about. We’ve been together ten years. She’s not going anywhere, I’m not going anywhere. You know us better than this. What’s got you bothered?” _He’s really starting to annoy me._ Finn suppressed his urge to be defensive.  _We are not you and mum._

“Suppose when you two told me it was a boy last night, it all reminded me of things with your mum. I never want you to go through all that.” 

“I won’t.” 

“You sure?”

Finn heard Rae’s footsteps on the wood stairs. “Da, drop it.” He set down the mug in his hand, turning and pulling another from the cupboard and pouring her a coffee as Rae shuffled into the kitchen.

“Morning, Gary!” She smiled. “Bacon smells good.” Finn handed her the warm mug, she took it and wrapped her free hand around his bare torso. 

_We must look exactly the same to our parents, standing in the kitchen for breakfast - me in my boxers and socks, Rae in an old band shirt and pajama bottoms. Nothing about this scenario has changed since we were at uni. Why would they think we’ve changed at all?_ He shifted his focus to Rae, pushing back his thoughts. “How’s your side?”

“Better, the massage helped. You’re the best.” She pecked him on the lips.

Gary busied himself piling food onto plates. Finn glanced over. “Need any help?”

“Nicely timed, just about done. Take these over to the table, yeah?” He handed Finn two plates full of food. “You two start eating, I’ll get mine and be over.” 

Finn nodded, pulling away from Rae and following his father’s instructions. After laying the plates on the table, he pulled out a chair for Rae before sitting down. Once Gary joined them, the three sat in a comfortable silence.  _Everything with Rae’s family is loud and the energy in their house is busy, it’s quiet and calm with my da. I love that about him. Even when he’s uneasy he’s quiet. Maybe I can be like that when I’m a parent._

Gary cleared his throat. “What are you two going to do about moving?”

Finn looked up. “What do you mean?”

“You can’t stay in that flat, there’s no room. Have you sorted out where you’ll move before the baby comes?” Finn watched his dad’s eyes shift between the two of them, appraising their reactions.

Rae shrugged. “My mum said something similar.” She dropped her head back slightly, shifting her focus to Finn. “We haven’t thought about it. Suppose we’ll figure it out sooner or later.” 

“Better sooner than later, everything gets more complicated once that little one is out in the world.” Gary pointed to Rae’s stomach with his fork before picking up a bite of food and placing it in his mouth.

“We get the point, da. We need to ‘grow up’. Everyone keeps saying or insinuating it this weekend. You know, I think we’ve done a pretty good job taking care of ourselves so far. No one has had to do it for us, we haven’t asked for help. We’ll manage this the same.” He offered a smug grin.

Gary stared at his son. “That’s what you say now, we’ll see.”  

A tense silence settled between the three of them. Rae cleared her throat. “We get the concern, Gary. London is a busy place to raise a baby and work takes up all our attention. There’s a lot to consider and get settled before  _he_ comes.” Finn watched Rae pull a hand from the table, rubbing it across the top of her protruding stomach. “It might be time for us to consider changing course.” 

_What’s she on about in front of my da?_ A look of disbelief crossed his face, drawing Rae’s attention.  _What does she mean ‘changing course’?_

“Stop looking at me like that.” 

He shook his head, looking down to the food in front of him. “Like what?”

“Like I’m an alien.” She poked her finger in his side, wiggling it to tickle him. 

Finn refused to flinch or smile.  _This isn’t a joke. How long has she thought something needed to change about our life?_ He looked up at his dad, who raised his eyebrows slightly at Finn. “Not looking at you like an alien.” He piled his fork with food, putting it in his mouth and chewing. 

Rae pulled her hand back before hesitantly responding, “Ok…”

After breakfast, the morning passed quietly. The rain slowly stopped and the clouds parted enough for slivers of sunlight to stream into the house. Rae helped Gary clean the kitchen, while Finn packed and loaded their bags into the car. As they pulled away from his childhood home, Finn took a glance in the rearview mirror. Gary followed them from the driveway, standing on the sidewalk and waving as the car disappeared down the road. Finn let his glance linger a moment at his dad’s figure getting smaller each second. Rae fiddled with the iPod in the passenger seat. She set it down in the center console, satisfied with her choice. The opening guitar to Paolo Nutini’s [“Jenny Don’t be Hasty”](http://darlingdiver.tumblr.com/post/96220786301/peanutbuttersexual-paolo-nutini-jenny-dont) slowly built and erupted from the door panel speakers. Rae checked the iPod, rotating the wheel so the volume was all the way up. Finn glanced at her, she tapped her feet on the floorboard and shifted to looking out the window. 

  _You said you’d marry me, if I was 23_

  _But I’m one that you can’t see for I’m only 18_

_Tell me who makes these rules_

_Obviously not you_

_Who are you answering to?_

_Oh, Jenny don’t be hasty_

_No, don’t treat me like a baby_

_Let me take you where you’ll let me_

_Because leaving just upsets me_

Finn abruptly spun the volume knob on the dashboard down. The song faintly continued in the background and he sat for a moment, deciding what to say. Rae turned to him, taking the initiative, “Ok grump, what?”

“I just…,” he paused, staring at the road passing in front of them. They were still in the neighborhoods around his dad’s house, approaching a park. Finn sharply turned into the car park and stopped. “Marry me.” 

Rae scrunched her nose and forehead together. “No.” 

Finn didn’t miss a beat, immediately responding, “Why?”

“What do you mean ‘why’?”

“What do you mean ‘no’?”

“You weren’t asking, you made a statement. Besides, we settled this ages ago.” 

“Did we settle it? What did you mean this morning when you said to da that ‘it might be time for us to consider changing course’? You hadn’t mentioned that to me before and you just decide to bring it up in front of my da?”

“Don’t be mad.” Rae shrugged, staring through the windshield at the playground in the park next to them. Children played, surrounded by parents chasing after them and sitting on benches talking. Finn heard their laughter, but maintained his focus on Rae. “After being at mum’s and them talking about how it’s not going to work for us with a baby in London, then your da saying the same thing and our friends have been saying it for the past three months, maybe they’re right. The people we know in London with kids are never home, they work like mad and barely have time for each other. I don’t want that to be us.”

“It won’t be us.” 

“How do you know?”

“I just do. Now will you marry me?”

Rae softly laughed, shaking her head as she turned to him. “No. Now will you stop asking?”

“No.” 

“Why?”

“For a moment this morning it was like I didn’t know what you wanted. I needed to check and make sure I knew you still didn’t want to get married. Now will you stop making me feel like our parents have a better idea of what’s going on in that head of yours than I do?”

“Our parents do  _not_  know what’s going on in my head. Come on.” She opened her door, stepping to the front of the car and motioning for him to follow. Rae lead them to the swing set in the middle of the play area. Several children ran in front of Finn, causing him to stop short before catching up to her. Rae sat in a plastic swing, pushing herself back towards him as he approached. She looked over her shoulder. “Give me a push, yeah?” Finn flattened his palms against her back before giving her a strong push forward, sending Rae up in the air on the swing. He stepped back, giving space for her to swing back towards him and repeated the motion for several intervals. Each time Rae swung higher. He stepped sideways, to the empty swing next to her, sitting down and watching her legs pump to sustain her momentum. She smiled at him, dipping her body back slightly as the swing went upwards. Finn pushed back on the balls of his feet, standing with the swing under him. He lifted his legs, swinging forward and pumped his legs to fall in sync with Rae. Within a few moments the two swung in unison. The creaking of the metal hinges above them could barely be heard over the laughing children nearby. He closed his eyes, enjoying the wind and sun on his face. Rae’s voice brought him back to the moment, “We don’t have to stay in London.”

He stopped pumping his legs, letting the pace of the swing slow. “What?”

She followed his lead, slowing her swing and looking at him with a sly smile. “We don’t have to stay in London.” 

“Why would we  _leave_  London?”

“It’s a race there. I can do my job from anywhere and you aren’t happy. We keep hoping your job will turn into something that will make you happy, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. We’re just afraid to admit it. You could find another job, we could live in a town like this and enjoy our lives without constantly trying to get ahead or to the next level of wherever we keep convincing ourselves we need to be.” 

“You want to live in Stamford?” Finn gave her a confused look.  _I’m not moving to Stamford. I didn’t work this hard to just come back._

“No, not Stamford. Our own place, somewhere we want to be. I mean, if we  _want_  to be in London then we should stay there. I’m just not sure my conviction for being there is the same as when we graduated uni. You know?” She shrugged.

Finn considered a moment, shifting his focus to the nearby tree line in front of the houses along the edge of the park before looking back to her. “I was never without a plan before now. Before we met I had a plan to get to uni. When I got into uni I had a plan to graduate. When I graduated I had a plan to get a job. When I finally got a job I planned on making the most of opportunities as they came along. I’m beginning to wonder if I missed something that should have been planned so we would be more prepared for now, for  _him_.” He looked back to her.  _Please understand what I’m trying to say._  “I’m starting to get the sense that we’re staring into this abyss and I have no idea how to plan for it, for  _us_. Everyone thinks we should have already had one. Did I do it wrong?”

“First thing,  _we_  did it. Second…” She pulled her hair behind her shoulders. “I don’t think we missed anything, maybe this is how it’s supposed to happen. But who makes the rules anyway?  _We_  do, right?” She held her hand out to him. 

He took it in his, smiling. “ _We_  do.” 

“When you think about going back to London, how does it make you feel?” 

He thought for a moment. “Tired.” Finn’s eyes creased around the corners as he offered a relieved smile.  _I don’t want to go back to how busy things are, it never slows down. It’s like we keep trying to catch up all the time._

“Me too.” Rae matched his expression.

“Where would we go?”

“I don’t know, we could go anywhere I suppose. I mean, you’d have to decide if there are radio stations you want to work with and look to see if jobs are available. We’re not tethered, we could work it out.” 

“Where do we even start? How do we know if we would want to stay in London or move somewhere else?” 

Rae considered a moment. Finn watched her glance up to the sky, then to the ground, still damp from the morning rain beneath their feet. “We both have a ridiculous amount of vacation stored. Let’s go visit our friends, look at the towns they live in. It’d be nice to live somewhere we know people, have an anchor of sorts. Friends we want to raise  _him_  around. I’d like to not feel like we’re entirely on our own, but neither of us want to move and live near our families. Maybe one of the gang?”

“Makes sense.” He nodded. “We’re not deciding to leave London, yeah? Just looking at our options.”

“Exactly. Time to make a new plan and best to start with knowing what options are there.” She dropped his hand, moving hers to the swing chain. 

“I like that, looking at our options.” He inhaled slowly, letting the conversation settle in his mind before continuing, “We’ll make a plan when we get home. You ready to get back on the road?”

“In a minute, let’s have another swing.” Rae’s face brightened. “We don’t have to rush back to that responsible life in London for another few hours, we can enjoy being away from it for a bit longer.” She pushed herself back, pumping her legs back and forth to regain momentum. 

Finn followed suit. The creak of the chains above their heads punctuated the up and down motions of each swing. He laughed to himself before getting Rae’s attention, “Bet I can swing higher than you!” 

She looked over her shoulder at him as his swing went backwards and her’s forwards. “Oh, you do?” They quickly swung past each other again in opposite directions, moving their heads to follow each other. “Show me what you got, Nelson.”  

_———————————————_

**Chapter Four**

Finn stared at the suitcases in front of him despondently. Shirts, pants, underwear and an amalgamation of other items were strewn around the bed.  _Fuck._ The oblong window across from him on Rae’s side of the bed was open and a early evening breeze caused the white curtains to sway every few minutes. The sun was low, and when Finn let his mind drift it was almost indistinguishable between early morning or evening. He stopped, closed his eyes and intentionally pulled his shoulder blades down, trying to relax various muscles.  _Stop hunching, that’s why your shoulders are killing you._  He slowly bent his neck from left to right, trying to pop any pliable joints.  _I want to lay down and go to sleep, not go on a trip._  The song playing on the speakers in their flat living room stopped suddenly.  _She must be changing the music._ He abruptly turned.  _I don’t know what the fuck we’re doing. Does she?_

Three weeks had quickly passed since Finn and Rae returned from the weekend visit to Lincolnshire and Stamford. In their normal routine, the days melted into each other and were almost indistinguishable. They promptly went about submitting vacation requests and planning strategic visits to each member of the gang the first week. The next two weeks were busy spent getting ahead on projects and coordinating with co-workers to support critical pieces of their work while gone. Rae planned on checking in since she could continue on some of her writing work remotely. Meanwhile, Finn’s boss kept pushing him to be available for calls even though he would technically be out of the office. Their lives had rotated around the BBC for so long that it was nearly impossible for either of them to draw boundaries between personal time and what seemed like innocent requests from management. In the end, Finn agreed and made plans to take his laptop on the trip with them as well. Today, Finn left the office and immediately a weighted sensation lifted from his shoulders. Even if he would do some work over the next two weeks while away, they were abandoning the well-worn routine that characterized their lives. A wave of exhaustion hit him walking up the stairs to their flat that night, as if all the stress of the past few weeks released itself at once. Everyday had been a slow build of anticipation from the moment Rae proposed re-considering where they would live to now. Finn hadn’t spent time thinking about it before, but he was hopefully anxious about where the trip would lead them. 

He stopped at the doorway from their bedroom into the living area, looking over his shoulder at the mess of clothes, shoes and undergarments on the bed.  _Shit._  Without warning, his ears were ambushed by [Shaggy’s “Mr. Boombastic”](http://talebee.tumblr.com/post/50665409481/shaggy-boombastic) blaring from the other room. He laughed to himself.  _Does she want to distract me?_  He backed up towards the bed, getting a running start into the living room and sliding across the wood floor in his socks. Rae sat on the floor with an expectant look on her face. She shouted over the music, “Shake it for me, Finnley!”

He moved his hips from one side to the other jokingly, while raising his arms in the air and swaying on the balls of his feet. Rae moved her shoulders to the beat, shaking the upper half of her body at Finn. He got down on his knees, continuing to move in time with the music and inch closer to her. His jeans slipped on the wood, causing his legs to split towards opposite ends of the room and his torso to pitch forward. He caught himself with his hands and gently pulled his knees back under his hips.  _That’s going to hurt tomorrow._  When he looked up, Rae was bent forward laughing. Finn reached over to the stereo, turning down the volume. Rae’s laughter filled the room.

Finn crawled towards her, closing the distance left between them. She had piled couch pillows around her on the floor, sitting on one, another behind her back, one on each side of her and another under her knees. “Ouch.” He rubbed his groin and chuckled. “Fuck, that really hurt. Don’t think they’re meant to bend that way.” He looked up at Rae. “What you got going on here, a pillow fort?”

Her laughter slowly subsided. “Pretty much. You know, I pulled one off the couch to sit on, then needed one for my back, then figured might as well just pull them all off. Much smarter than sitting on the  _actual_ couch.” 

 He nodded, pursing his lips in a mock display of consideration. “Clearly,  _much_  smarter.” Finn rotated on his palm, sitting on the pillow next to her. “Can I have this one then?”

“On a trial basis.” She grabbed his white t-shirt, pulling him into a kiss. After a moment, they broke a part. Rae gently leaned her forehead against his. Her breath smelled like flowers. His eyes shifted to the floor next to her, where a half-full mug of tea sat. His mouth salivated for the warm, peppermint tea she made for him earlier that had been abandoned in the bedroom. He looked back to her lips. “What am I supposed to pack again?”

Rae pulled her head back. “Are you kidding me? Seriously, you’re an adult.”  

He shifted on the pillow, leaning his head back on the sofa behind them. “I know, but remind me what we should take.”

“Bloody hell, it’s like  _you’re_  a child. We’ll first go to Paris and see Chloe, then to Archie’s in Scotland and we’ll end in Croyde with Izzy and Chop. Take whatever you think you’ll need.” She turned back to the laptop perched on the pillow on her other side, mumbling, “You’re so competent at work and loose all ability to manage things the minute you hit our front door.” 

“What’d you say?” Finn feigned ignorance.  _She’ll have to confess that comment and confront me. She won’t do it. Won’t happen…she’ll totally pack for us both._

Rae turned back to him with a sweet smile. “Nothing.” 

He cleared his throat, looking over at the open iTunes window on the laptop screen. “You walking down memory lane over there? Haven’t heard ‘Mr.’ in a few years.”

“Creating new playlists for the trip and was shocked by all the tunes we haven’t played in ages. It’s like they get archived and if I listen to them I’m magically back at The Thatch the first night I saw you. God, when you turned from the bar and walked towards the table…” she trailed off, looking over and clicking through the music before continuing softly, “fuck me.” 

Finn chuckled, pushing the long, dark hair hanging over her face behind her left shoulder. “Literally or metaphorically?”

She whipped her head towards him. “You finished packing yet?”

He leaned his head back on the couch again, staring up at the ceiling before gently whining, “I don’t want to. Let’s go out, let’s do  _something_.” 

“Our plane leaves at 8 in the morning, that means we have to be at the airport by 6, which means we have to wake-up at 5. I’m tired just thinking about it, so staying up late packing isn’t on my list of priorities.” 

“Come on, girl. We can go down to Rough Trade East and look at records, they’re open for a few hours still.” He glanced at the watch on his wrist.  _Only six. We could go by the shops, grab some dinner…_

Rae interrupted his internal planning. “You still haven’t bought proper shelves for the ones we have, why we buying more records?” She pointed to the crates stacked along the wall across from them as a makeshift bookcases, each one filled with vinyl sleeves. The plastic squares varied in color from red, yellow to green grouped together creating a semblance of design in their utilitarian function. The crates stacked on top of those on the floor sagged in the middle from age and the weight of their contents. “You’ve mumbled your way out of going to Ikea for months. In fact, I think you even used sex a few times to distract me from it.” 

He studied his kneecaps under his jeans, pushing the edges of the cartilage with his fingers. “Well, it was more fun than going to that Nordic village.” 

“We can pick up a bookcase on a trip to Ikea for baby furniture when we get back from seeing the gang.” 

Finn groaned. “Fucking hell, such a hassle. You know we’ll just break up trying to put together anything from there. When you consider it, I’ve saved our relationship keeping us away from there.” He reached across her, scanning the iTunes library and quickly settling on another old favorite. He clicked the scroll pad several times, adjusting the volume and pressing play.  _She’ll be eating out of my hand in a few._

“I don’t know that anyone would go  _that_  far in giving you credit for avoiding a harmless store.” She quickly pecked his cheek. Within a few beats the opening synthesizer of [Babylon Zoo’s “Spaceman”](http://jaysbutterbeer.tumblr.com/post/43367869842/spaceman-babylon-zoo) rang out from the speakers. Rae rolled her eyes. “Bloody hell.” 

“Let’s go to Rough Trade, yeah? Might be the last time we get to see them for a while.” He wiggled closer to her. “You know you want to. The smell of dusty jackets, the hum of CDs playing, the feel of ribbed plastic…it’ll be just like all those nights when we lost track of time and got kicked out during uni, just to end up back at mine debating bands. We would take a break long enough to shag and sleep, then wake up to continue whatever debate over breakfast. You in the kitchen with one of my shirts snugly wrapped around your body, like I wanted to be.” 

Rae furrowed her brow, pulling her head back slightly to stare at him. “Why’d you want to go so badly?

He smiled, taking her hand in his and tracing on her palm. I-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-T-O…

She snatched her hand away before he could finish. “You think you’re good, don’t you?”

He blinked slowly at her. “What do you mean?”

“Don’t play daft. You think you’ll make me all nostalgic and get me to go out instead of finishing up packing.” 

Finn feigned disbelief, “I would  _never,_ besides you’re entirely too smart for that.” He gave her a small grin.  _Almost got her, she’s going to go for it. We’ll be looking at records within an hour._

Rae exhaled, studying him. Finn watched her eyes subtly dilate and the creases around them soften.  _Almost there_. He moved his hand to her temple, stroking her hair.  _Time to close the deal._  He abruptly turned away, putting his hands on the floor and pushing himself up to stand. “You’re right, we should stay here and pack. I’ll be in the bedroom finishing.”  _She’ll stop me in 3…2…_

“Damn it…”

_Gotcha._  He smiled to himself momentarily before shifting to a quizzical expression and turning on his heels towards her. “Say something, girl?”

“Help me up and let’s go. If we get home by ten we will still have time to pack. You’re good, I’ll give you that much.” 

He suppressed another smile, offering his hand to her.

“It’s a good thing you use those powers for good and not evil.” She hit the end of his nose with her index finger before shuffling towards the bedroom. “Better put your boots on, looks like rain.” 

****

Rae had been right, about ten minutes after leaving their flat a light rain started falling.  _God, I hate how often I’m right. I mean, I don’t but I do._ She attempted to run at first, but the weight of her stomach was too much for her back and the muscles around her hips hurt. She settled for briskly walking, holding one hand under her abdomen and an umbrella in the other. Finn tried to be patient, but she could tell he didn’t want to stroll in the rain. He would jog ahead for a moment, then stop and wait for her.  _It’s like he expects me to run like an olympic athlete. I’m carrying a fucking bowling ball in my tummy. We should go bowling. Haven’t done that in years._  She kept her eyes on the ground passing below, trying not to be angry.  _If we had stayed home, we would be snuggly and warm AND finished packing! For fuck’s sake, I do let him talk me into the most ridiculous things sometimes._   _Like we need another fucking record. We barely even listen to them anymore. I swear, Finn is going to turn into one of those hoarders, but with records._ Her head down and absorbed in thought, Rae didn’t notice Finn stopped short ahead of her and ran into him. She looked up, startled. “What you doing?”

“Ok, nutter. You’re walking down the street mumbling to yourself. Stop.” 

“What have I told you about calling me that, it’s not funny.”  _He can’t be cute and make me not mad right now._

He stepped sideways next to her, pulling her hand in his. “This is romantic. I’m out with my girl, walking in the rain with our baby, we’re going to buy some records.” 

“No we’re not, you hoarder. No buying, just looking.” She pulled his hand, urging him forward.  _Only another street and we’ll be inside._

His stride fell in time with hers. “Who you calling a ‘hoarder’? That’s a low blow and completely inaccurate. Sometimes I wonder what you watch during the day, because I think it’s giving you some misperceptions. Do you even work?” 

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe I just get worried about a man who compulsively wants to buy records but long ago stopped pulling them out to give a listen. You used to bang on about iTunes being the end of music as we knew it, but now it’s the only place you listen to music now.” They rounded the corner onto Brick Lane. Rae looked up to see the Rough Trade marque sign ahead of them. In big black letters it read, 

“Album of the month 

New release: 

Florence + The Machine”

“Take that back.” He stopped, dropping her hand. She followed suit, pausing a few steps ahead and turning to look at him. The rain lightly collected on his hair, like morning dew on grass. Rae scanned him. “I mean it, take that back. I listen to records all the time.”

“Fine, you listen to records all the time, now will you come on?” She turned, trudging towards the Rough Trade storefront. Moments later her hand landed on the cool metal handle, pulling open one of the double glass doors. The familiar buzz of the overhead florescent lights welcomed them the moment her shoe hit the concrete floor. Ahead of her, rows of black multitiered CD and record cases were aligned in rows surrounded by white walls. A familiar smell hung in the air, somewhere between old paper, plastic, and an industrial building. The store might not have appeared or smelled comforting to most people, but Rae and Finn likened it to the sense memory of smells that came from enjoying old photo albums. She paused, smiling.  _Damn him, he’s right. I’ve missed this place._  London may be a big city, but to Rae and Finn their intimate corner in Spitalfields was like it’s own small town. They knew the roads, the hideaways, the secrets, all the little things that made Rae smile to herself.  _This is our home town._

Finn strode up behind her, stopping momentarily to whisper, “Told you.” Just as quickly as he’d stopped, he brushed past her and made his way down a center aisle and abruptly turning left below a large white sign with black letters that read “Alternative”. He looked over his shoulder, motioning for her to follow with a wave of his hand. 

“Nope, he’s gonna have to find me.” She sharply turned the opposite direction, heading into a side area of the store full of limited edition vinyls. Her fingers traced over the edges of record jackets stacked by genre as she strolled past them, the sensation continued to lighten her mood. Rae took in a deep breath, enjoying the smells and sensations of the moment. She settled herself in the “Rock” section, carefully positioning herself at the beginning of the categorized alphabet to assess titles and bands. 

Rae worked her way from the “A”s to the “P”s before she noticed how much time had passed. It was only when she sensed someone standing behind her that she shook out of her methodical process. She glanced over her shoulder, seeing Finn with a small stack of CDs and records in his hand. [Cary Brothers’ “Ride”](http://darlingdiver.tumblr.com/post/97149391576/overcomingissues-cary-brothers-ride) wafted from the overhead speakers. Rae’s entire body had relaxed and everything was peaceful.  _This is our life. This is us._

“There you are. I was looking for you.”  He stepped up next to her, looking at the small pile of records on the other side of her that had accumulated. 

“No you weren’t, you were busy yourself.” She pointed to the music in his hand. 

Finn shrugged. “Come on then, let’s see what you came up with.” He leaned in front of her, pulling at the record on top of her pile.

She angled her body in front of the stack and put her hand on top of his, blocking his access to it. “Don’t even. I’ll show you mine when you show me  _yours_.” 

“Fine.” He set the stack in his hand on top of the “Q”s. He picked one item up at a time, holding it next to his face and announcing the band. “Distort Yourself by Institute, Union by The Boxer Rebellion, Robbers & Cowards by Cold War Kids…” he paused before holding up the last item, giving Rae an eager grin. “Not to forget  _the_  kid, I found this.” He beamed, holding a record out to Rae. She looked down to see Kermit the Frog’s wide grin. “You know, every kid has to have ‘The Muppets’ to listen to. It’s like standard issue for being born.” 

Rae looked back up at him. With every band her eyes had narrowed more and more, but the moment he offered the children’s album her demeanor softened.  _I love him so much._  She hugged Kermit’s face to her chest. “This one we’ll get, we have the others in iTunes.” 

“But…” Finn protested briefly, then abruptly stopped. “Ok, let’s see what you came up with.” 

Rae repeated the exercise, holding up each record. Before she could even announce them, Finn shook his head. “Got it.” She quickly continued only to be cut off by him again, “Got it.” 

She spoke up before he could make another comment, “We do  _not_  have enough Bowie in our collection.”

“Yes, we do. Bought that one two years ago.” He nodded his head confidently.

Rae gave him a skeptical look. “No, we didn’t.” 

“Yes, we did.”

“You’re wrong.”  _My memory is better than his, I’m sure we don’t have it._

“What’ll you wager? I know I’m right and you’re wrong, but if you don’t believe me it’s worth a gamble for something.” 

She considered a moment. “If I’m right,  _you_  have to pack for us. If you’re right,  _I’ll_  pack.” 

“Deal.” He extended his hand for her to shake. 

She squinted at him. “Deal.”  _I’ll win._  

“Let’s head out, it’s half past eight. I’m hungry.” 

“Gotta put these back first.” She gestured to the stack of discarded records and CDs. 

Finn pursed his lips. “You get your section and I’ll take mine. Meet you at the checkout in five.”

A few minutes later, they left the store with a single record in hand. The rain had stopped and Rae glanced up at the dark sky briefly. Finn took her hand in his, while Kermit’s grin beamed through the plastic bag swinging in his other one. She smiled to herself.  _Our first purchase for the baby._

****

The following hours became a flurry of dinner, cleaning and packing. By midnight, Rae and Finn were settling down to sleep. He stood in the doorway to their bedroom, watching Rae bent over a suitcase.  _I can’t decide if I prefer what pregnancy has done to her tits or bum better._ “Did you pack my leather jacket?”

She answered without stopping, “You should wear it on the plane. It’s too bulky to pack. Same goes for your boots too.” Rae stood straight, studying the contents. “That should be everything.” She turned to Finn. “Did you put all the Bowie records away?”

“Refiled in their proper places.” A smug grin spread across his face as he pulled back the covers and slid into bed. “When I’m right, I’m  _really_  right.” 

Rae ignored his last statement, flipping the top of the suitcase in front of her closed before dropping herself into bed next to him. She propped herself against the headboard, pillows behind her back and turned towards him. “You gonna leave that one there?” She nodded her head towards the Muppets record propped against the wall on the nightstand next to Finn. 

“Absolutely!” His head looked from the record to her. “We don’t have a category for that in our filing system. Kid will have to get his own shelf to sort his records on, otherwise it will be chaos.” 

“Chaos? Seems dramatic.” 

“We start putting the kid’s music in with ours and where will it end? Chaos. You gonna admit I was right about owning the Bowie?”

“Didn’t I admit it earlier, again when I packed, and  _every_  time you shouted at me from the other room to not forget something? Let it go, dickhead.” 

“Just want to make sure we were both straight on who’s memory was better.” 

“Turn off the light. We only have a few hours before our flight.” 

Finn reached over, turning off the lamp beside him. He glanced briefly at the album behind it. “Night, Kermit.”  Rae smiled to herself, laying down on her side to face Finn. He slid further down on the bed, facing Rae. “Sleep sweetly, girl.” 

She pulled her hand above the covers and found his nose in the dark, pinching it. “Ma-na-ma-nah.”

_———————————————_

**Chapter Five**

Finn yawned, standing on the curb outside the Arrivals section of Paris’ Charles De Gaulle Airport. He and Rae had been managed to get on an early morning non-stop flight from London To Paris, lasting slightly over an hour.  _It’s fucking ridiculous dealing with airports takes longer than the plane ride itself._  He leaned on the rolling bag handle extended up next to him, rubbing his eyes.  _Sleep._  Someone nudged his arm and he looked over to see Rae, extending a brew out with one hand. “Got you a cappuccino.”

“Chloe knows what time our flight got in?”

“I told her. Offered for us to take the train or a taxi into the city, but she insisted on picking us up.” 

“Thanks for the brew.” He stood, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and kissing Rae’s temple. He leaned into her shoulder over the second rolling bag between them. 

“Of course. You get the bags, I get the drinks. Divide and conquer, it’s the only way we’re gonna get out of this alive.” She leaned into him. 

Finn scanned the passing cars, looking through windshields for Chloe’s face.  _Wonder why Rae thinks we’d ever move to Paris to be near Chloe of all people. I can’t stand John, king of the twats._ Since the beginning of his relationship with Rae, Finn and Chloe were friendly but he never considered her close. If it hadn’t been for Rae, he doubted they would have known each other past a few summers in Croyde. In his mind, she remained primarily Rae’s friend, but he was able to have a good laugh with and relied on her to provide insightful counsel about Rae during uni. When she married John, Finn smiled and stood by Rae’s side, but he never enjoyed his company. John was a true corporate ladder-climbing type, who Finn wrote off as willing to step on or over people before ever helping them up. After their first two years of marriage, John stopped making efforts to join Chloe on any trips to visit members of the gang and had largely retained an anecdotal presence amongst the friends. Finn noticed a growing change in Chloe on the rare occasions they saw her or he overheard her calls with Rae, she was sad. He gave her credit, she did a good job masking it but there was no denying something was wrong. 

“There she is!” Rae waved at a silver station wagon slowly driving towards them. She pulled away from Finn, turning the bag between them around so she could tilt and pull it behind her. Rae weaved between people, making her way towards the car. 

Finn called after her, “Rae! She’ll come to us.”  _She didn’t hear me._ He shrugged, taking a swig of the warm brew in his hand and following after her with his bag in tow. 

Rae was first to the curb when Chloe pulled over, exiting the driver’s side with her arms outstretched. “Babe! So glad you got in safe. This morning was a fright with the twins. John went back into the office and it was a mess getting on the road.” 

Finn took Rae’s bag, pushing the handle down and moving around to the rear of the car. When he lifted the back gate, two small heads whipped around looking at him. Chloe’s twins had sandy blonde, straight hair falling to their shoulders. They had button noses that reminded him of Rae’s, but there was no denying from top to bottom they were Chloe’s children. Each had delicate features and fair skin. Their lips were a pink that almost made him think Chloe put lipstick on the girls, but he couldn’t imagine why Chloe would put make-up on her children. He raised his hand tentatively. “Hiya.” The child on his left returned Finn’s wave accompanied by a grin, while the other child turned back around to watch Chloe. He lifted both bags into the back, closing the gate and rounding the car to Rae and Chloe, who turned to him with a tight-lipped grin. 

“Hi, Finn.” She leaned forward, giving him a brief hug before returning to the driver’s side of the car.  _What’s up with her?_ Rae looked at Finn, her eyes wide and a quick shrug. Chloe called across the car to them, “Rae, you can sit up front. Finn, you can fit in back between the twins, yeah?”

He leaned forward by the window, looking into the backseat. The twin who’d turned away a few minutes before gave Finn a sullen look. He stood back up, giving Rae an annoyed look before responding, “Sure, that should work.” 

Rae patted him on the arm. “Only around 20 kilometers, hopefully a quick ride.” She turned, opening the front passenger door and lowered herself in. 

Finn opened the rear passenger door and offered an apologetic smile to the small child glaring at him. “Hi there.” He carefully climbed in, squeezing himself between the child and back of Rae’s seat. Finn angled himself between the matching toddlers. 

The other twin, seated behind Chloe, gave him a warm smile. “Hi!” 

“Hi. So remind me who’s who?” He pointed back and forth between the two children as Chloe exited the airport drive. 

Chloe eagerly chimed in from the front seat, eyeing her children through the rearview mirror. “You girls remember Finn and Rae, right? You saw them on our visit to Croyde a few months ago for the baby christening. Tell them your names!” 

The child on his left giggled. “Holly.” 

“Hi Holly.” Her green eyes sparkled in the sun streaming through the front of the car. He swiveled his head to the right. “That makes you Marina.” The little girl continued to ignore him, staring out the window. 

Chloe sighed before addressing her daughter, “Marina, you’re being  _very_  rude. These are our guests, we’re here to welcome them.” The little girl continued to give everyone the silent treatment. “She’s tired and upset her papa went into work today. Aren’t you sweetheart?”

Finn attempted to readjust himself in the cramped space between the twins, but there was no way to make himself more comfortable. The phone securely nestled in the back pocket of his jeans vibrated.  _Shit._  It hummed incessantly, tickling one side of his arse.

The car sped down the onramp for the A1 South towards Paris. Chloe and Rae busied themselves catching up with each other in the front of the car. Finn made an attempt to interrupt their conversation, “How long to get into town?”

Chloe thought for a moment. “Usually around an hour, maybe a little over this time of day.” She quickly returned her focus to Rae. “I can’t believe you’re  _only_  seven months, are you sure you don’t have twins in there?”

Finn shook his head. From the left, a little hand reached over and poked his arm. He smiled at Holly, who sat watching him with a wide grin. “Tell me about your favorite animal.”

Holly giggled. “I have FOUR purple dresses.”

****

Chloe’s family lived in the Arrondissement de Passy on the western edge of Paris. Their three-bedroom flat was a few blocks from the Boulonge Woods, the cities largest green space, on Rue de la Pompe. She recommended a boutique hotel for Finn and Rae a few streets away called Villa Glamour. After being in the car for over an hour, Rae was battling nausea again. However, this time it was from the lack of food and sleep. She put a hand on the cool window, enjoying the change in temperature. She and Chloe had fallen silent in the front of the car, while Finn carried on an elaborate conversation with Holly mostly about nonsense. Marina had fallen asleep, her head swaying back and forth from the movement of the car. 

Chloe pulled over in front of the hotel, turning around momentarily to address her children, “Mummy will be right back.” Rae turned as much as she could in the confined space, smiling at Holly who returned the expression. Chloe continued, “Finn, can you climb over Holly? Don’t want to wake Marina, otherwise she’s a nightmare.” 

Finn nodded. “Of course, Holly won’t mind, will you?”

Rae’s heart melted as Holly put a hand on Finn’s arm again offering a somewhat dramatic and reassuring nod. “It’s ok.” 

Chloe, Rae and Finn exited the car. Rae stood, staring at the black awning that read “Villa Glamour” in white, cursive lettering flanked by two large, black iron lamps hanging from the building. “Oh shit…”

Finn walked up next to her with their bags in his hands. “What?”

Chloe briskly moved around the car to her friends. “You two get settled. Our flat is directly down the street. You have the address, just come over by early afternoon. We’ll take a stroll, have dinner and go out after if you’re up to it.” She gave Rae a quick hug and waved at Finn, within a moment she  disappeared back into the car and pulled away. 

Rae scrunched her nose. She and Finn stood silently next to each other staring at the ornate frontage of the hotel. Rae sighed. “This looks exactly like Chloe, I should have known by the name. Come on.” She stepped up the single stair into the lobby area, Finn following with their bags. 

Shortly after, they were taken to their room by a hotel attendant. The accommodation was plush, with gleaming black-and-white tiled floors, smokey grey wallpaper, chandeliers in every room and hallway, flanked by oversized doors painted various shades of gold and silver. Their bed looked like an overstuffed rain cloud, billowy and draped in charcoal grey velvet. From the moment they entered the hotel, Rae and Finn remained largely silent other than exchanging pleasantries with the staff. When the attendant closed the door to their room on his way out, the two finally looked at each other with wide eyes. Finn was the first to speak, “Bloody hell, if I knew how posh this place was I would have told you to pack one of my suits.” He broke up in soft laughter at the end of his sentence. 

Rae took in the room, everything was rich and inviting. “We’re never leaving. We’re just moving into this hotel forever.” 

Finn disappeared, exploring the bathroom. She heard him mumbling just before rounding the corner back to the bedroom. “If they will do our laundry, I’ll move in.” He jumped onto the bed, causing the uncreased velvet cover to wrinkle around his body. “Times have  _definitely_ changed since we were kids who came to visit Chloe right after she moved. We found the cheapest hotel we could and were barely ever there, this is…um, different.” 

Rae dropped on the bed next to him. She ran her hands over the soft velvet, the fabric tickled her fingertips. The pillow under her head formed perfectly to the curve of her neck, the extra stuffing creating white peaks on either side of her face. “When she and John moved to Paris, I remember it was just a flurry of sight-seeing and shopping for basics. The last time we were here was right after the twins were born and before they moved to the new flat they’re in now. I’m getting the idea a number of things have changed.”  

“Ok, quick nap and then over to Chloe’s?” 

Rae stared at the ceiling, her mind drifting off. “Just a quick rest, we should take off our shoes.” 

“Hm?” Finn’s voice was lazy and relaxed.

“Nothing.” She closed her eyes. 

A noise floated into Rae’s consciousness. Very faintly at first, then it incessantly grew louder. She opened her eyes, then stretched her arms above her head. Looking down, she saw Finn’s legs curled sideways on the bed next to her. White peaks from the pillow were still on either side of her head, blocking her view on either side. The phone on the nightstand continued to ring.  _What time is it? We just laid down._ She propped herself up, pushing her elbows behind her back. The sun was lower behind the historical buildings outside the windows of their room, slivers of orange and pink light cast over the facades mixed with grey shadows. The phone stopped ringing.  _Fuck._ She glanced at the clock.  _Five-fifteen. What the hell happened?_  She leaned over, nudging Finn. “Wake up.” He didn’t move.  She pushed him harder. “Wake UP.”

Finn’s eyes slowly opened, taking a minute to focus on her. “What?”

“It’s after  _five_.” 

“What? No it’s not, we laid down before noon, we didn’t sleep that long.” 

“Yes, we  _did_.” The phone rang again. Rae turned to it, picking up the receiver. “Hello?”

Chloe was on the other end eagerly waiting for someone to answer, “Thank GOD.  _Where_  have you two been? Did you go out? You were supposed to come round  _hours_  ago.” 

“Sorry, Chloe. We literally came in the room and fell asleep. We were both knackered from how crazy things were before leaving on the trip.” Finn draped an arm over Rae’s side, resting his head on her shoulder.

“Well, hurry up. We’re getting dinner ready and the girls want to see you two. We’ll have a busy itinerary while you’re here so it’s good you started off with some rest at least.” 

“Sounds good, we’ll freshen up and walk over. Be there by six alright?”

“Yes, that works.” The phone clicked as Chloe hung up. 

Rae laid back down, staring at the ceiling. “We have to get up. We’re  _fucked_. There’s no way either of us will actually go to sleep at a normal time tonight. We just took like a six hour nap or something.” 

Finn mumbled into her shoulder, “I think that means we’re overexerting ourselves that on our first day away all we do is sleep.” 

“Exactly why we’re here, change of pace.” She patted his arm. “Get up!” He pushed himself up, yawning and rubbing his eyes. Rae pulled at his arm. “Now pull  _me_ up.” He followed her direction, taking her hand and pulling her into a sitting position. 

Within half an hour, the two were strolling towards Chloe’s flat along Rue de la Pompe. It was a brief walk, only a few streets over. The historical buildings blended together, one stone facade leading to another. When they crossed the major intersecting street, Avenue Henri Martin, it was easy to spot Chloe’s building ahead of them on the right. It stood taller than most, adorned with decorative columns around the windows and a large, glass door surrounded by a gold metal frame. Finn held it open for Rae, who stepped into the marble entryway. Everything was quiet and the building had an orderly aura reminding her of a museum. The thud of Finn’s boots behind her punctuated the silence. Rae pointed up. “They’re on the third floor.” The two slowly climbed the wooden, circular staircase that wound up to five different levels. 

When they reached the flat door, Finn remarked, “Thank God they’re not on the  _fifth_  floor. I don’t even want to know how they get groceries up here.”

Before she could knock, Chloe opened the door with an expectant look on her face. “It’s about bloody time you two got here. Come to visit and sleep away the day! You’re only here until Tuesday.” 

Rae shrugged. “Sorry, Chloe.” 

The entryway was a long hall, the walls lined with mirrors and a decorative settee. Directly inside were doors on either side, one leading to a sitting room and the other to a dining area. At the end of the hallway were bedrooms, the kitchen and another living space.  Art deco chandeliers hung in the hallway and center of each room highlighting the ornate crown moldings around the door frames. The furniture reminded Rae of tailored clothing from high fashion magazines, with sharp lines and classically beautiful fabrics. Oriental rugs were strategically placed around the various spaces, adding a subtle touch of warmth.  _How do children live in this house? It looks like they would break or mark up everything._ Chloe lead the way down the hallway towards the kitchen. “Come on then, Margarette is finishing up and we’ll get the girls ready. 

“Um, who’s Margarette?”

“Rae, I’ve told you about Margarette. She’s our nanny and helps cook.” 

Rae and Finn followed after her, like a ducklings behind their mother. Rae glanced over her shoulder at Finn, who pulled a mocking face at her, before looking forward and continuing, “I don’t think I knew, or maybe  _remembered_ , you had a nanny.”  _I should have remembered. Did she tell me she had hired a nanny? I really don’t remember it coming up._

“John is gone so much and even when he’s here he doesn’t help much with the children, I needed  _someone_. She’s a lifesaver.” When they reached the end of the hall, Chloe pointed to the left towards the kitchen, “That’s Margarette.” Finn didn’t stop until he stood next to Rae, then both leaned forward far enough to see into the kitchen, waving at the petite brunette standing over the sink who looked up just long enough to nod at them. Chloe turned the opposite direction, continuing towards the bedrooms. “Girls! Finn and Rae are here, time for dinner!”

The drumming of little feet started in a nearby room, growing louder. Holly came bounding out with an ecstatic expression. “Finn!” She ran towards him with outstretched arms. Rae looked over to see a confused expression on his face. 

Chloe spoke from her other side, “You made  _quite_  the impression earlier, Finn. You would think these two children had never met you before. I suppose at this age they’re too young to remember people when there’s much of a gap in time between visits. Anyway, after the ride from the airport, you’re the only thing she’s talked about all day. Finn this, Finn that…” she pursed her lips, studying the child grabbing onto Finn’s leg. “Was like being back at uni when all the girls would gush over him, except cuter.” 

Rae laughed in response to Chloe’s last statement. Finn bent down, picking up Holly.  _Bet they’d remember us better if you wanted them to. Your life here is so separate from all of us._ Holly wrapped her legs around the side of Finn’s waist, perching on his right hip. It reminded Rae of all the years they had taken care of Meriem when she had been little. Rae’s sister was enraptured with Finn, often pretending he was her husband when they would play pretend. It was the first time someone else finding him attractive hadn’t made Rae paranoid. In the early years of their relationship, she was uncomfortable and doubtful of herself when girls gave Finn attention. It would end in comparing herself to them, picking apart her flaws while only seeing their strengths. However, the innocent love and affection that sprang from her sister instigated a change in the way Rae saw girls her own age. She couldn’t compare herself to Meriem, she was never competition. Rather, she helped to affirm the parts of Finn Rae fell in love with. She realized comparing herself was a choice and she had grown tired of the fruitless exercise. There were still moments when she held Finn’s hand a little tighter around other women, but time had given them something better than she ever expected to rely on, trust. She chose to stop doubting Finn’s commitment or offer him a means of leaving. She actively worked on relaxing into the certainty of their commitment to each other like a well-worn armchair that offered comfort and warmth. The more she acknowledged and shared her fears, the stronger their relationship became.  

Chloe interrupted Rae’s thoughts, “You ready for dinner? Where’s Marina?” 

Holly looked at her mother briefly, then back to Finn. Her hands were occupied pinching his cheeks. He puffed air into them, encouraging Holly to push into them so it would release through his mouth and blow back the blonde hairs around her face. 

Rae looked to Chloe. “I’ll find her.” She approached the doorway Holly had come through moments before, peering inside. Marina sat in the middle of the floor with a brunette doll, brushing it’s hair. Rae approached her, the red Chuck Taylors a stark contrast against the white carpet that started at the threshold to the room. “Hi, Marina.” The child looked up momentarily, smiling before returning her focus to the doll. “Mum says it’s time for dinner. Can you come with me and we’ll go together?”

Marina stopped, pulling her knees into her chest and raising her shoulders. “Papa?”

“Oh, I don’t know, love. Let’s go ask mum, yeah? She will know when your da’s coming home.” Rae offered a hand to the little girl, encouraging her to join everyone. Marina stood and followed. The two walked hand-in-hand from the room to join everyone else. 

By seven, everyone was settled at the large, mahogany dining room table centered in one of the front rooms. The twins sat on one side, Rae and Finn across from them and Chloe on one end. Opposite Chloe, at the other end of the oval table, was the space reserved for John. It sat empty, much to the children’s dismay. There had been a few minutes of tears when they were told their father wouldn’t be home for dinner.  _I don’t like this. Last time we were here Chloe was happy, she’d had the twins. John worked all the time, but they were happy. Weren’t they?_ She examined her friend. Chloe looked tired. She was beautiful, but under the make-up and styled demeanor something was off. Rae couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but decided they would make time to talk about whatever it was.  _She shouldn’t pretend with us._

The rest of the evening passed uneventfully. Holly demanded Rae and Finn read to her at bedtime. The two coordinated an elaborate story using the twins’ stuffed animals rather than reading a book. On their knees at the foot of the girls’ beds, they contorted their voices while moving around the limbs of a bright pink pig and dark brown gorilla. The two animals went on a grand adventure to South America, exploring the jungles. Rae could hear Chloe chuckling from the doorway behind them as she watched her friends entertain her children.  _Seems like everything is entirely too serious in this house._ When they ended the story, Finn helped Rae stand. They took turns saying good night to each of the children, telling them they would see each other the next day. Rae paused a little longer at Marina’s bed, looking at the little girl. Her heart swelled, seeing something akin to sadness in the little girl’s eyes. She leaned over, looking intently at her. “I see you in there. You’re a lovely little person, even if you’re too young to really understand.”  For the first time since arriving at the airport, Marina smiled. 

The adults left the room. Rae watched Chloe turn off the lights, cracking the door just enough so they could hear the girls if one called. Chloe, Rae and Finn went to relax in a second living area closer to the bedrooms. Chloe quickly detailed the itinerary she planned for them over the next two days. “Since most places are closed tomorrow, I thought we could enjoy the woods and show you a few of the churches. Of course, we’ll go out and eat at some of our favorite restaurants that  _only_  people who live in Paris know. I think you should see the girls’ school on Monday, so you have an idea of where your little one could go. Then we need to spend time in museums and if you’re up for it maybe a water tour on the Seine!” 

Rae stammered, “Wow, you’re giving us the full tourist treatment, Chloe. You have to be busy with things and I know this trip came up pretty last minute. Don’t feel like you have to entertain us. We want to get an idea for what life is like. I mean, the few times we came before we were really helping you with everyday life things, which was perfect.”

She waved a hand at them. “It’s no trouble. Besides, it’s about time you properly experience Paris. On all the other trips we had restrictions, like money when we first moved or the twins being just born and me right out of the hospital. Things are different now and it’s worth us enjoying the spoils of John and I being established.”

Rae wagered a glance at Finn, who’s eyes had creased around the edges from examining Chloe as she spoke. It was a subtle movement, but she could tell he sensed something was off too. All the years of silent communication were an attribute in moments like this. It comforted Rae holding a level of certainty through subtle movements they were thinking similar thoughts.  _Do I ask? Chloe would say something if she wanted us to know, wouldn’t she? Maybe it’s nothing._

_****_

The three continued exchanging daily anecdotes for another half-hour before deciding to part company for the evening. When Finn and Rae left Chloe’s, it was almost nine. As they reached Ave Henri Martin, she pulled his hand to make a right turn.  _Where’s she going?_ He pulled back, attempting to keep them on the return path to their hotel.

She smiled, tugging more assertively on his hand. “Let’s go see the Eiffel Tower, neither of us is ready to sleep after that nap today.” 

“We’ve seen it before, and I’m sure Chloe will take us when we’re on her tours over the next few days.” 

“True, but we’ve never seen it at night. Let’s be spontaneous, have a little alone time for us to enjoy Paris and get a feel for just being here together. Come on.”

He was surprised.  _This is the last thing I expected from her with how much she complains about swollen feet._ “You sure?”

“Hey, take me up on the offer before I change my mind. If I can’t make it, we’ll get a taxi back. I looked it up, it’s a reasonable walk to the Trocadéro.” 

A wide grin spread across his lips and his chest expanded taking in the moment.  _I love this. I want us to still be like this after the baby is born._ “Let’s to it then.” The two maintained a leisurely stride. Finn attempted to stay in tune with Rae, careful not to lead them too fast and risk wearing her out. Along the way a group of women passed, he assumed on their way to a club or event. They wore tight dresses and the pointy heels on their shoes clicked in time with each other on the concrete sidewalk.  _How women wear those without falling over is beyond me. I’m glad Rae has never been one for heels._  His eyes passed over them momentarily, before refocusing on the ground ahead of him. Rae’s hand squeezed his tighter and she leaned into his arm gently as the women passed. Finn looked at her briefly without stopping. “You ok, need to rest?”

Rae smiled, pressing into him a little harder. He gently returned the pressure to maintain a straight course. “No, I’m good. Just enjoying how cozy you are.” They continued on, arriving at the main promenade within a few minutes. In front of them, the Eiffel Tower was lit like a christmas tree with white lights. Rae pulled at Finn’s arm, examining his watch. “If we wait, the light show happens in ten minutes.” 

“Done.” The two found a ledge and sat. Finn wrapped an arm around Rae’s waist, leaning in and smelling her hair.  _No lavender._ He was disappointed. The day’s events had removed a trademark smell he loved. Throughout the past ten years, Finn found comfort in many things about Rae, one of his favorites was her smells. Her hair maintained a hint of lavender, which reminded him of their first summer together. Her old t-shirts smelled like a vinyl resale shop, no matter how many times they went through the wash. Finn decided during uni Rae’s ability to retain that smell was her own magic. The inside of her elbows smelled like the tops of babies heads, delicate, warm and a little sweet. He asked her about it once, but Rae insisted she had no idea what he was talking about. She even pulled one of her elbows to her nose only to laugh and tell Finn he was crazy. 

He turned sideways, scooting his arse down on the stone ledge and lay his head in her lap. The sky was a dark blue, the city lights reflecting off black space. He searched for stars, squinting every few moments. Rae ran her fingers through his hair, circling her fingertips on his scalp. A shiver went down his spine. It might have been warm outside, but goosebumps spread over his skin. Finn rolled his eyes closed. “I don’t like how you can’t see the stars. We have to live somewhere we can lay outside in grass and see stars. Boys need that.” 

“You can see the stars here.” 

“It’s not the same as further out in the country. Besides, even after just a few hours, I’m pretty sure Chloe needs us way more than we need her to live close.” He extended his neck, encouraging Rae to continue playing with his hair.

Rae’s hand stopped. “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

He opened his eyes, looking up at her. Rae focused intently on him. “Are we going to pretend things aren’t  _completely_  weird? What the hell is going on with John?”

She lifted her head without responding, looking towards the Eiffel Tower. He raised his hand, sticking the tip of his right index finger into one of her nostrils. Rae pushed it away. “Gross, stop!” 

“Well?”

“Yeah, something’s wrong. Just need to wait for the right moment to ask her without the girls around. I hope it’s not what I think it is though.” 

Finn took her hand, examining each finger.  _They’re really swollen today, must be the travel. She didn’t drink much water at dinner either. Need to remind her to have a glass before bed._ “I’m not sure I want to know what you think.” 

She pulled her hand from his. “It’s starting, sit up.” 

Finn shifted on his tale bone, spinning around and scooting back to his original position next to Rae. An arm around her, Rae leaned into his shoulder. In front of them, the Eiffel Tower lights flashed like a firework exploding in the air. People milled around them, pausing to watch. Music played in the distance. Without warning, Rae sat up straight and grabbed Finn’s hand, pushing it firmly against her abdomen. There was a short sweeping movement under her muscles, then nothing. Finn furrowed his brows and looked at her. “Give it a second.” A limb pressed firmly back against his hand from inside her. 

His eyes widened staring at her body. “Holy fuck.”

_———————————————_

**Chapter Six**

Rae examined Renior’s [Dance at Le Moulin de la Galette](http://www.musee-orsay.fr/en/info/gdzoom.html?tx_damzoom_pi1%5BshowUid%5D=4038&tx_damzoom_pi1%5Bzoom%5D=1&cHash=56aa08937c), shifting weight from her left to right foot. She had seen pictures of the painting, reproductions and depictions of it in the media throughout her life, but stumbling upon the original in the Museum d’Orsay surprised her. The longer she looked at it, the more intricacies she saw. The details, the brushstrokes, the personalities of each character, the way Renoir captured the light, all of it struck her as magical for the first time.  _It’s like life, the more you look at people and moments the more complex they become._

Chloe managed to keep their schedule full on Sunday, orchestrating a meticulous picnic in the Boulonge Woods partnered with exploring the area with the twins, then a river cruise of the Seine, followed by a stop by Notre Dame Cathedral. To end the day, she drove them to Le Hide for dinner, an intimate bistro halfway between Notre Dame and her flat, where the staff knew her by name and doted over Holly and Marina. The food was impeccable, but Rae was skeptical the gourmet cuisine and presentation was intended to be kid-friendly, no matter how much the staff treated them like family.  _There is so little time where they are just kids, it’s like Chloe is fitting them into her adult world. Is that normal?_ There hadn’t been an opportunity to talk to Chloe alone and John still hadn’t appeared. She may have been able to excuse his absence as work-related on Saturday, but Chloe knew better than to even try on Sunday. They wouldn’t have believed her anyway. It confirmed Rae’s fears, something wasn’t right between them.

When Rae woke up Monday morning, their last full day in Paris, her feet ached and were swollen from all the walking. She knew today would be the last opportunity to encourage Chloe to open up about John. She and Finn walked over to the flat in the morning, early enough to help drop the girls off at their school. Holly attached herself to Finn almost permanently since their arrival. Rae enjoyed watching him settle into the attention.  _Old habits don’t die, thank God. He’s just as good with her as he was with Meriem._ He promised Holly he would be there to pick her up from school before she let go of his hand. It occurred to Rae at that moment the attention might not have been as innocent as it seemed. Marina’s frosty demeanor only thawed slightly during Sunday and with Holly being extremely clingy, Rae suddenly saw it all differently. They never treated Finn like this before, they never noticed him much either way. It had only been on this trip that each girl made a strong statement about him with their actions.  _Maybe it’s not about Finn, just that he’s a man. Just how long has it been since John’s been around?_

The wood flooring behind Rae creaked as people milled around the gallery. She leaned forward, focusing on a little girl with blonde hair in the painting’s foreground. Her features were almost indistinguishable, making it easy to assign various dispositions to her. Rae took a few moments projecting each of the twins onto the character, finding it both curious and frustrating how her mind read the figure as both happy and upset.  _Who is this little girl supposed to be? God, why don’t artists leave a fucking guidebook?_ She huffed.  _I’m over it. Moving on._  She turned, weaving around other patrons.  _I need a seat. My feet are going to explode out of my shoes._ Rae pulled out her phone, checking the time.  _Twelve-sixteen._ When they entered the museum earlier in the morning, the three friends split up to enjoy different exhibits. They agreed to reconvene in the restaurant at twelve-thirty.  Rae decided against exploring beyond the Impressionist Gallery once she saw on the map it was a livable walk from there to the meeting point.  _Might as well head there and sit down._  

At the entrance to the restaurant, Rae saw Finn facing away from her at a table for four next to a large window.  _Of course he’s already here, wonder how long he made it before giving up._  As she approached, Rae saw the wires from earbuds snaking from his head to an iPod on the table along with a book open in front of him. A sizable number of pages had been turned since he had started it on their plane ride.  _He’s been here a while._  She pulled out the chair next to him, sitting down. Her hips ached and the relief of pressure in her feet almost made her groan out loud, but she settled for rolling her eyes closed momentarily and enjoying the sensation privately. 

Finn pulled a bud out of the ear closest to her. “Find anything interesting?”

She opened her eyes. “Just impressionist paintings I could project my neurosis onto.”

“ _That_  sounds fun.” 

“How long have you been here?”

He gave her a sheepish grin. “Long enough to have already annoyed our waiter.” Finn lifted the white, ceramic cup from in front of him and took a swig of the liquid inside.

“Is that  _another_  brew? You are going to give yourself a heart condition.” 

“I’ll slow down on brews when  _you_  drink more water. How’s that as a deal for the rest of your pregnancy?” He leaned back slightly, resting an arm on the edge of her chair back. 

“We finally get you to stop smoking and you just increase your caffeine habit. Fine, it’s a deal.” She stuck her hand out to shake his. 

Before he could return the gesture, Chloe appeared next to Rae. “Please tell me you two  _did_ look at parts of the museum.” 

Rae lowered her hand, shifting her focus to Chloe. “Of course we did, don’t be a pretentious bitch.” 

“Hey, look who you’re calling pretentious. We all know I’m queen bitch, but hopefully not a pretentious one.” She sat across from Rae. “Safe to assume Finn didn’t get very far though, right?”

“This is my vacation, don’t tell me how to spend it.” He gave her a toothy grin.

The friends continued verbally sparring, laughing occasionally and enjoying the good-natured mood. After ordering, each recounted their favorite parts of the museum. For the first time since their arrival, Chloe acted like the friend Rae had known for years. She relaxed, laughing and joking openly with them. Within half an hour, they finished their lunches and slipped into reminiscing about their last trip to visit after the twins were born.  _This is the best time to ask her about John, her defenses are down and the girls aren’t here. Plus, we’re in public so she can’t  be too dramatic._

Chloe was finishing up a story, her eyes sparkling and creased around the edges from laughing. “Having twin babies was so hard, but we got through it and the girls are bloody brilliant. Half the time Marina reminds me of you, Rae. Stubborn and set in her ways.” She took a sip of the espresso centered in front of her. 

_Test the waters first._ “Speaking of the girls,” Rae paused, flicking her eyes at Finn before continuing, “I’ve noticed they’re acting differently than the last time we saw them. What’s going on?”

Chloe’s affect switched from relaxed to guarded. She shifted in her seat and her smile fell. “What do you mean?”

****

Finn clenched his jaw, flicking his eyes between Chloe and Rae.  _Shit, we’re doing this now._ He sat still, waiting for Rae to push the topic.

Rae spoke again, her tone very even and calm, “You know what I mean, Chloe. John isn’t gone at work all the time, or if he is he at least isn’t coming home afterwards. So, where is he?” 

_S-H-I-T. She just came right out and said it._  Chloe stared at Rae intently, he couldn’t tell if she was angry or relieved. The two women didn’t waver, holding each other’s gaze. 

Rae continued, “We’re friends who want to be here for you, but you have to let us. A long time ago, sitting on the floor in my room in Croyde you said something to me. Remember what it was?” Chloe didn’t move, maintaining an intent focus on Rae, who only waited a beat before answering her own question, “You said not to shut you out, that I wasn’t alone and I shouldn’t hurt myself or if I did I had to be honest that it’s what I was choosing. Sound familiar? I think you’re scared Chloe, but we’re your friends. Trust us.” She slid her hand across the table, tentatively placing it over Chloe’s, which was frozen on the edge of the white ceramic dish under her cup. “Don’t shut us out by pretending, please.” Rae’s hand closest to Finn reached for his under the table, the tip of her thumb worked into his palm.

_God, I wish I had the baby heart rate monitor. I bet it’s through the roof. I couldn’t do that now even if I had it though. That would be wrong._ He squeezed her hand, stilling the movement of Rae’s fingers. Chloe remained stone-faced, her cheeks flushing a bright pink. Finn wanted to say something, but couldn’t think of anything that would help.  _How long do we wait? Just follow Rae’s lead._  He stayed still, attempting to read cues from either of them. 

After a minute, silent tears slid down Chloe’s cheeks. Her mouth twitched slightly and she flattened her lips against each other before shifting her gaze out the window next to them. “He left.”

Finn closed his eyes slowly, holding them tight for a beat before opening them again.  _No. I’m not surprised, but I am._  

Rae took a deep breath. “Shit, Chloe. I’m so sorry. When?”

Chloe shook her head, pulling her hand from Rae’s and wiping the tears still on her skin away. “Five months now.”

Rae looked shocked. “Before we saw each other in Croyde?”

“Yes, he left the month before the christening.” 

Finn observed the verbal ping-pong match between the two friends.  _What the actual FUCK is wrong with John?_ His body tensed and breath quickened.  _The asshole. Who leaves their daughters? Who does he think he is?_ With every passing second, his ability to manage the rising anger and distain flooding over him slipped away. 

Rae’s voice was low and soft, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“What was there to say? It was a happy occasion. Izzy and Chop, their new baby and then the two of you announcing your pregnancy. What do you think I was going to do, stand up and raise a glass at The Thatch and tell everyone John left us for some woman he works with? It’s a fucking cliche.  _None_  of our friends are divorced, he turned us into  _THE_  god damn cautionary tale for everyone to hold up and say ‘don’t me like Chloe and John’.”

Finn’s voice erupted from his throat, surprising everyone, “He didn’t make  _you_  a cautionary tale, Chloe. He’s the fucking cautionary tale, a motherfucking joke at that.”

Rae moved her hand to his shoulder. “Shhh, Finn. It’s ok.”

He turned, glaring at her and lowering his volume, “It’s  _not_  fucking ‘ok’. That prick thinks he can leave his family? That’s  _never_ ‘ok’.”

Chloe nervously laughed across from them. “Funny thing, John really liked you, Finn. Anytime I talked about the gang he insisted the two of you had the most in common. I begged him to move us back to London. I was silly enough to think if you lads were better friends he might stay.”

_What did he say? We’re alike? Fuck that._ Finn pushed back his chair, standing. The scraping noise against the tile reverberated through the restaurant. People at nearby tables briefly turned their heads towards the sound before returning to their meals. Rae grabbed his hand. “Finn, you’re making a scene. Stop.”

He pulled his hand from hers, looking back and forth between the two women. “You’re kidding right? That fucker decides to leave his family and we’re going to sit here and talk about it in a civilized fashion? Someone should punch his face into the back of his skull.” 

Rae’s eyes widened. “Finn!” 

He turned, leaving Chloe and Rae at the table, not knowing where he was going or why. All Finn knew was he couldn’t sit and patiently listen to the story about how John was the most predictable idiot to ever make a despicable choice.  _I’ll kill the bastard._ He pushed open an exit door at the front of the museum, his heel landing hard on the sidewalk and a rush of early afternoon air hitting his face.  _What do I do? How do I fix their family?_ A hand pulled his shoulder. Rae crossed in front of him, planting herself on the concrete. 

“Finn?”

He spoke through clenched teeth, “What?” 

“Are you sure you’re you? Because I don’t know who I just saw in there. That response wasn’t the Finn I know.” 

“I need to do something Rae, I can’t sit there and listen like you. I need to kill him.” 

“You’re not going to  _kill_  anyone.”

“I have to do  _something_. He left his girls. His  _girls_ , Rae.” Without meaning to, his hands balled into fists. He was overwhelmed with anger and sadness.  _Please understand, Rae. I can’t do this. I can’t stand by._ He desperately wanted her to read his mind, to understand, because he couldn’t find any words. He didn’t trust himself to not unravel. 

Rae put her hands on his cheeks. “Finn…”

“I can’t.” He pulled away, sharply turning and putting distance between them. The heels of his boots hit the ground hard and he maintained a long, quick stride he knew Rae couldn’t match.

From behind him, he heard Rae say something in the growing distance between them but couldn’t make it out over the blood rushing in his ears.

****

“Finn, where are you going? You promised Holly you would be there to pick her up with us!” Rae didn’t want to shout, but was at a total loss.  _What just happened? I don’t…he has to come back._ She watched his figure disappear down the street. She called weakly, “Finn…” Rae waited a moment, the breath caught in her chest and thumbnails pressing firmly into her index fingers. She whispered, “Come back.” Finn’s outline was gone. Taking a deep breath, Rae blinked hard.  _He walked away. He left. I don’t even know what that means._ Her heart sank and stomach tightened.  _1…2…3…4…5…6…_ She pushed her hair back.  _Fuck, I left Chloe._  

She re-entered the museum stunned, but pulled herself together enough to find Chloe still at the table. The waiter dropped the check for them and Chloe busied herself paying. Rae sat back in the chair across from her friend as Chloe looked up. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah, we’ll figure it out. Sorry about Finn, not sure what got into him. Think it was such a shock John would leave you and the girls.” 

“I can understand his reaction. Suppose that’s how I was when it happened, I’ve just had time to get used to the idea.” 

“But are you used to the idea, Chloe? We got here and you acted like everything was whatever version of normal you  _thought_  we expected. Now I understand why Holly are Marina are acting out of sorts.” She shook her head, staring at the tabletop. There were water rings from the sweat on her glass in various intersecting circles across the surface. She ran a finger through them, pushing a line of water towards the middle of the table.  _I didn’t drink my water. I promised Finn._

“Let’s go. We made enough of a scene already.” Chloe stood, draping the tan, leather strap of her Chanel purse over a shoulder. Rae followed her lead, pushing back her chair again and standing. She spied Finn’s satchel leaning against the window.  _He forgot our stuff. When he walked out was he really planning on leaving?_  Her mind continued trying to make sense out of how quickly things spiraled out of control. “Need me to carry that?” Chloe stood next to her, following Rae’s gaze to the bag. 

“No, I got it. Thanks.” 

The two friends left the museum. As they exited, Rae paused in the spot where she and Finn last spoke. Chloe turned to her. “We’ll need to pick the girls up in an hour or so, let’s go for a walk if you’re up to it and you can ask me whatever you want.” She sounded defeated, causing Rae’s heart to sink further.

Chloe lead them through various streets, winding their way somewhere. Rae didn’t know what destination her friend had in mind, but she followed without question. Chloe laced her arm through Rae’s, the two walking in stride with each other in silence. The space between them struck Rae as oddly peaceful. Chloe didn’t seem mad, anxious, or scared. All those emotions had flashed across her face in the museum, but they were gone now, replaced by an eery calm. After ten minutes, they rounded a corner and the Champ de Mars gardens at the base of the Eiffel Tower opened up before them. Chloe lead them to a bench, sitting down and turning to Rae. “What do you want to know?”

Rae considered a moment. “Where is John now?”

“I’m not sure, he stopped talking to us.”

“What does that mean?”

“The first month or so he was good about coming by, seeing the girls and at least pretending to try and work whatever was wrong out with me. After that, he stopped. Stopped coming by, stopped seeing the girls, stopped trying. It’s like he just decided to pretend like we don’t exist. I assume he’s in Paris. Well, I  _know_  he’s in Paris because I went to his work one day. I don’t know where he’s staying though.” Chloe’s features remained placid, reciting details as if it was something she heard on the news. 

“Do your parents know?”

“Yes.”

“What did they say?”

“When I told my mum the first thing she said was ‘what did you do wrong?’” Chloe huffed out a breath, shifting her eyes to scan the space around them. “Then she told me it was my job to fix it.” Rae could see her eyes glisten with moisture again. “How do you fix something when you don’t know how it broke?” 

Rae put a hand over Chloe’s resting on the bench between them. “I’m so sorry. What can we do?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even know what I should do. Should I stay in Paris? Our lives have been here, it’s the only city the girls have known. Do I move back to England? If I do that I’m sure it will just put more distance between John and the girls. For the first time in a long time it’s like I’m a kid playing an adult. I don’t know how to navigate all this.”

“Why would you ever know how to navigate this, Chloe?”

“I don’t know, I feel foolish.”

“Your mum shouldn’t have said what she did. Doesn’t matter if you did or didn’t do anything, it doesn’t merit John’s choices.” 

“I’m adrift here. I don’t have anyone. I’m so mad and never want to see him again, but a part of me would be so relieved if John came back tomorrow.” 

“You have us, Chloe. You have the gang. You have to let us in though and tell us what’s happening, no matter how you worry about appearances. We might not be  _in_  Paris, but it’s not all that far away.” 

Chloe chuckled, wiping away the tears that had fallen down her cheeks. “I thought if you and Finn moved here things would be ok.”

“We love you, but you know that wouldn’t fix anything right?”

“I know. It was nice to pretend for a day or so though.” 

Rae stammered after a few seconds of silence, “Um, Chloe…”

“Yeah?”

“What have you told the girls?”

Chloe pulled her mouth to the side, chewing on the inside of her lower lip. Rae watched her consider. “At first, I told them he was on a trip. That’s why they acted so normal in Croyde. After the second month though I couldn’t keep saying he was on a trip, so I told them their grandfather died.”

Rae’s mouth fell open. “You told them  _your_  dad died?”

“No, no, I would never do that. John’s dad and that he had to go help their grandmother.”

“Did he die?”

“No, but I had to come up with something and I kept thinking he would come back. Now it’s been five months though and I’m starting to think it was a bad idea.” 

Rae stared at Chloe.  _I cannot believe her. Who does that?_ “Yeah, I’d say that wasn’t the best idea. Now their da’s gone  _and_  they think their grandfather is dead.”

Chloe hung her head. “Shit. When you say it out loud like that it does sound bad.” 

Rae scooted towards her, putting an arm around her back. “It’ll be ok, we’ll figure it out.” 

Chloe erupted in laughter. “It’s all so fucking ridiculous. I can’t decide if it’s worse that I told the kids that or that it was a rational solution in my head. Why would I be so daft?”

Her laughter became contagious and Rae doubled forward briefly. She sat up, taking a deep breath.  _She’s going to be ok._ “I think you need to be around friends who love you no matter what and you need to talk to someone, like a therapist, about how you’re dealing with all this. How many years has it been?”

“Haven’t seen a counselor since uni.”

“I think it’s time again.” 

Chloe nodded. “You’re probably right. God, what would I do without you?” 

“I’m afraid you’d fictionally kill off every member of your family, then us.”

They continued talking, Chloe sharing the details of how she discovered John started a relationship with another women. Then recounting what it was like trying to work with him on their relationship the first month to him disappearing. None of it made sense to Rae, it sounded like John became a different person.  _Was this who he always was? Why start a family and leave it?_  

“Even if I don’t talk to you for weeks or months, we just pick up wherever we left off. No conditions. Thank you.” Chloe lifted her wrist, examining the watch on her arm. “We should start back to the school.” 

“Chloe, of course we’ll be here for you. You’ll figure it out.” Rae wrapped her arms around Chloe as they turned sideways on the bench next to each other. “I don’t know what will happen, but I have faith in you and the girls.” 

“You got one of the good ones, babe. There aren’t many like Finn out there.”

“I know.” 

They left the park, walking through the base of the Eiffel Tower, across the Seine on the Pont d’léna bridge and through the Jardins du Trocadéro. Rae’s stomach tightened when they exited near the ledge where she and Finn had sat two nights before.  _Where did he go? Is he just going to meet me back at the hotel? I don’t want Holly to be upset._ Chloe continued talking as they snaked along the streets, weaving around tourists. 

By half past two they turned towards the twins’ school. Rae raised her head. Finn stood ahead of them leaning against a wall near the entrance. As the distance between them closed, his eyes met hers and Finn stood. He spoke hesitantly, “Hi.” 

Chloe stepped ahead of Rae, wrapping her arms around his neck. When she pulled away, she pushed him on the shoulder. “Don’t run off like that, it’s rude.” 

He scratched the back of his head. “Sorry, Chloe. Just got so mad I knew it was better for me to be alone.”

“Well, I guess I should appreciate you would get  _that_  angry over my twat of a husband. I’ll get the girls, you two wait here.” She made her way towards the front of the school, stopping in a brief exchange with another parent.

Rae kept her eyes on Finn. “You alright?”

“I’m better. Can we talk about it later? After we say goodnight to Chloe and the girls?”

“Of course.” She wrapped an arm around his waist. “Only if you promise to not run off and scare me like that again.”

“I promise.” 

Holly was the first to exit from the school gate, running as fast as her legs would go the moment she saw Finn.

He bent forward, picking her up. “How was school, monkey?”

Chloe followed behind, holding Marina’s hand. She smiled at Rae. “Let’s head home, yeah?”

“Sounds perfect. I need to rest or someone is going to be forced to carry me around like Holly.” 

The rest of the afternoon was spent playing with the twins at Chloe’s flat. As evening approached, Rae helped prepare dinner. It started as an impromptu French cooking lesson with Margarette, the three women laughing together in the kitchen, resulting in the presentation of large pizzas to Finn and the twins in the living room. That night everyone sat on the floor, watching “Wall-E” and laughing. They said goodbye to both the girls and Chloe, planning on taking the train to the airport first thing. Holly made Finn promise he would visit again, while Marina threw her arms around Rae’s neck in a tight embrace.  After the twins had been put to bed, Finn and Rae excused themselves, exhausted.

The short distance back to their hotel was spent holding hands in silence.  _Does he want to talk about storming out yet?_  

****

In their room, Finn made quick work of stripping down to his boxers and sliding under the duvet. He was considering fishing his book out of the satchel across the room when Rae rounded the corner from the bathroom. “You ready to talk about whatever got into you at the museum?”

_Fuck_. He resisted the urge to bury himself under the pillows on the bed.  _Be an adult about it._ “Sure.” 

She approached the bed, standing next to him and taking one of his hands in hers. “In ten years you’ve never walked away from me like that, I’ve never seen you  _that_  angry where you wouldn’t talk. It scared me. For fuck’s sake, even when you wouldn’t talk to other people you talk to me.”

“I’m sorry.” 

“What happened?”

He sighed, “Everything Chloe said made me angry. John leaving, him comparing us to each other, then I thought about the girls and Holly’s face. I just couldn’t sit and make conversation about it. My whole body felt like it was going to explode, like if someone said one more thing I would have lost any ability to hold it in. So, I left.” 

“Even if I had said something else?”

“I know this might sound weird, but I knew the best thing was to leave. There was no nice way to do it.”  

“But why get  _so_  mad? We agreed to be there for Chloe. You knew I planned on asking her about it.” She sat on the edge of the mattress, nudging him with her arse. He scooted towards the center of the bed in response, making room for her. She pushed herself back further, maintaining contact between her lower back and his legs. 

Finn could see her knees swinging back and forth in slight movements. It reminded him of a little girl and a wave of sadness rushed over him. “It’s not fair. Those girls deserve their da. He had no right and I’m nothing like him, never have been, never will be. I tolerated that twat. _We’re_ nothing like  _them_.” 

“Of course we’re not them, we’re  _us._ ” 

He found her fingers on the bed, entwining them with his. “No one’s in love like us, right?” _Don’t need to be sad, they have nothing to do with us._ He shifted his gaze to the ceiling. 

Rae shifted, turning to him and taking his face in her hands. “Dickhead, look at me. We’re us, that’s it. It’s that simple. I have to believe it’s enough, otherwise I drive myself crazy trying to make sense out of things that don’t.” 

Finn studied her eyes, filled with kindness and love. He swore the depth of peace he found in them could cure even the worst affliction.  _I never want to live without her._ “Marry me?”

“No.” 

He groaned, pulling his hands up to his temples and pushing back through his hair.  _I don’t know what else to do._ “Why?”

“Because, I love you.” 

_This is so frustrating._  “Fine.” 

“No, not fine. Why do you want us to get married so badly?” 

“I don’t know, it just…I don’t want to go through any of this without you and I just, I need us to know that’s never going to change.”  _That’s it, right? Fuck, I don’t know, it feels safe._

Rae looked down at her hands. “If it really matters to you, then we can seriously talk about it again. We’re already married though, maybe not with a piece of paper but I trusted you with the rest of my life years ago. I will never be the same because of you, in my heart we’re tied together no matter what.” 

He weakly protested, “It’s not the same.” 

“What makes it different?”

He considered, at a loss for words.  _I want to say this right. I want it to really count. I want her to understand._ Finn took locks of hair flowing over her shoulders between his fingers, curling and releasing them. “My mum left, I don’t want you to leave. I could do it with a boy on my own if I had to, but I don’t want to. That’s no life. Don’t get me wrong, I love my da but I should have had my mum around too. I deserved better, I never did anything wrong. I thought I did for a long time, tried to make sense of her choices, tried to understand. The only thing I could ever understand was none of it made sense. As I got older, I became thankful. I don’t want to understand how someone makes that decision, how someone leaves their child. It was easy to put it out of my mind. It’s so unfair that parents leave and we have to grow up to try and make sense of their foolishness. When you told me we were having a boy a question has lingered in my mind. How do I keep us together? I have been thinking over and over again about how I make sure you never leave, because I never want to do any of this without you. It would be like loosing half of myself. I know I can survive whatever happens, but I don’t want to just get by. I want us to be together through the best and the worst.”  _That’s all I’ve got. If it doesn’t make sense I don’t know what else to say._

Rae shifted, turning to lay down next to Finn with her face only a few inches from his. She swept the fringe across his forehead to the side, letting her finger slide down his cheek. “You’re right, it’s unfair. My da left and it was unfair I didn’t get to know him. So what? He doesn’t deserve to know me. We grow up, we move on, we build something better. All we can control is being good for  _our_  baby. I promise, I will never leave you.”

“I know, I really do. You say ‘no’ when I ask you to marry me because you don’t want to be our parents. I get that. You promise to never leave me, I trust you. But do you promise to _never_  leave our baby?” He slid his hands over her abdomen. 

“I do. Do you promise to never talk about how it’s ok if we never have sex again?”

Finn laughed, “I do. Do you promise to let me teach our son about Oasis without undermining my opinions?”

Rae pushed her face into the pillow, laughing, “I do. Do you promise to love our son no matter who he wants to be or what he’s interested in?”

“I do. Do  _you_  promise to encourage him to not care about cliche things because he deserves better?”

“I do. Do you promise to really listen to him without just trying to fix everything, because sometimes he’ll just need us to be unconditional?” Rae traced her hand down his neck. 

“I do. Do you promise his fights will be our fights?”

“I do.” She looked at him longingly. “I love you, Finn.” 

“I love you, Rae.” They leaned into each other, Rae curling her head into the nape of Finn’s neck.

_———————————————_

**Chapter Seven**

Relief washed over Finn the moment they landed in Aberdeen. He slept through the non-stop two hour flight from Paris to Scotland, exhausted from the three days with Chloe and the girls.  _I just need more sleep._  It wasn’t until they stood waiting for the luggage he considered the exhaustion might not be physical. Finn had been on edge since they arrived in Paris, waiting for something bad to happen. He spent the first two days poised for whatever would come and when Chloe opened up to them at the museum it was both a relief and an added weight.  _I want to sleep for a month._  He rubbed his eyes. 

Archie’s partner Brian was waiting to welcome them. Finn almost asked why Archie hadn’t come before recalling it was a weekday, he would be busy teaching and their son, Emerson, in school.  _Of course he’s working, I’m loosing track of time. Pull it together, Finn._ As the green landscape became a blur outside the car window, Finn rested his head against the glass on the passenger side.  _It’s so nice to be with family and relax. God, THIS is where you raise a family. There’s space, it’s beautiful. I love Scotland. No bloody way we’re moving to Paris if Scotland is an option._

Brian stood just over six feet tall with dark brown, wavy hair. He had a runner’s build, lean and muscular. When he walked, his stride had a distinct bounce similar to a graceful animal running. When he and Archie were first dating, his unique gate resulted in an entire conversation between Finn and Rae attempting to come up with just the right word to describe the movement. After two bottles of wine and multiple attempts to mimic him they settled on saying Brian loped when he walked. Archie and Brian had been together for nearly three years when they moved to Aberdeen and adopted Emerson. Brian started his Pharmacy masters at Robert Gordon University, one of the highest ranked programs in the country, two years ago and Emerson’s adoption was finalized ten months later when the boy was six years old. Now eight, Finn could hardly believe two years had passed. The young boy had bright red hair, blue eyes, and his cheeks were covered in freckles. As his features continued to mature from a child to a young man, Finn could begin visualizing how he would look as an adult.  _Their family is growing up. We shouldn’t be this far along in life. I need a brew._

Brian playfully tapped Finn’s shoulder from the driver’s seat. “You alright, mate?”

Finn sat up. “Yeah, sorry. Just thankful to be here.”

“We’re excited to have you. Emerson has been talking about it for at least a week. ‘When’s uncle Finn coming? Tomorrow? Today?’” Brian laughed, “You two don’t visit enough.” 

Brian turned the navy blue Volvo sedan onto Charleston Rd, a newly developed residential area twenty-two kilometers south of the central city. The year before their family moved into a four-bedroom detached house that reminded Finn of a modern country home. On the outside, the first floor was covered in dark grey bricks, while the second was a stucco white exterior. There were large windows along the front and sides, including a story picture window next to the front door. The house was surrounded by a large, dark green lawn and it backed up to Charleston Wood. As the car pulled into the drive, Finn exhaled.  _I could come home to this everyday._ Rae leaned forward from the backseat, whispering in his ear, “Stop drooling.” She pushed the door next to her open, getting out of the car.  _I know she’d rather live here too. Tease._

Finn followed Brian and Rae from the driveway around the front of the house, crossing the yard. “What time will Arch and Em be home?”

Just as he finished the question, Emerson flung open the front door and ran towards them. “Uncle Finn! Aunt Rae!” His arms outstretched, he crashed into Rae’s abdomen, wrapping his upper body around her. His voice was muffled as he continued, “Hi baby brother!”

Archie popped his head around the doorframe. “Emerson! We’re meant to surprise them!” Brian laughed, watching their son.  

The little boy turned, looking at his fathers. “Oh…” He ran back into the house and closed the dark brown wood door behind him as if his exuberant welcome hadn’t occurred. 

Rae turned back to Finn. “Do you think they have something planned?”

“I have  _no_  idea. I can’t imagine Arch and Emerson are waiting for us inside, clearly they’re both away at school.” The two chuckled as they approached the front door. 

Brian waved Rae and Finn ahead of him. “Guests first.” He took the remaining bag from Finn. “You’re going need both hands.” 

Rae turned to Finn before opening the door, pushing him ahead of her. “I already got my hug, you go first. I’m afraid if Emerson rushes me like that again I’ll have his face permanently imprinted on my belly.” 

He kissed her on the cheek, placing a palm on the other one. He whispered, “Feels like we’re coming home.” His fingers wrapped around the cool metal knob and he pushed the door open, cheers came from Emerson and Archie standing underneath a multi-colored banner hung in the doorway to the living room that read “Aberdeen=Home!” in bright paints and shiny balloons were hung along the walls of the entryway. 

Archie’s home only grew more inviting the longer their family lived in it. Directly inside the front door was a tiled hall, with a door into the formal dining room on the left and directly across from it a passthrough to the kitchen by the stairwell. The galley kitchen was lined with modern appliances and sleek handles on each cabinet, leading to a relaxed family sitting and breakfast area. Directly inline with the front door was a doorway into the larger living room space where the banner hung, Archie and Emerson standing beneath it. On the second floor, four bedrooms were situated in the corners of the house, with a shared bathroom facing the back garden. Archie and Brian’s room was next to Emerson’s to the left of the upstairs landing area, both constructed with ensuites. The remaining two bedrooms were reserved for guests along the opposite side of the house. It was the perfect mixture of modern and inviting, with clean lines, warm colors and a comfortable atmosphere.

Archie approached Finn with a wide smile. “Today begins our sales pitch. We expect you and Rae to make plans to move to Aberdeen before you leave on the weekend, mate. Emerson is set on it.” He put a hand on the boy’s head. The two friends embraced in a firm hug.

“I’ve missed you.” Finn squeezed Archie tighter. “Good to be around family.” 

Archie stepped back, making room for Emerson to get between them. “We’ve missed you two like mad, especially this guy.”  

Emerson grabbed Finn’s waist. He looked down at the crown of the boy’s head, the ginger hair tousled as if he just woke up. “Come here, kid.” He leaned down, picking Emerson up. Older and bigger than Chloe’s twins, Finn’s muscles worked harder as he lifted Emerson’s weight, the boy putting his arms around Finn’s neck while his legs dangled towards the floor. Emerson smelled like a mixture of clay and the outdoors. “You’re getting old. Pretty soon you’re going to have to pick me up!” 

Emerson pushed back from Finn, wiggling out of his arms and back to the floor. “I’m  _almost_ double digits. Will you be here for my birthday party? It’s bug themed.”

“Of course. Mind you, it’s not for another eight months. I’m sure we…”

Emerson interrupted him, “There’s a house for sale close to here. You can move there and walk to the party.” 

Finn brushed the boy’s hair back with his hand. “Glad you got it sorted out for us.” 

Archie turned his attention to Emerson. “They’re still deciding Em, we’ll be happy wherever they decide to live. Right?”

The little boy looked at his father. “Right. Can I have a cake now?” 

Everyone moved into the living room, where more balloons were scattered around with Emerson’s toys. A plate of pastries and cakes sat on an ottoman in the middle of the room. Rae stretched back into one of the chairs closest to the door, while everyone else remained standing. Finn watched her as Emerson grabbed a pastry with sugar on it and put a large bite in his mouth.  _She’s pale._ Rae focused her attention of Emerson. “It’s true, you  _are_  almost double digits, just two more years. Then what are we going to do with you?” The boy ran over to her, standing with his hands by his sides, sugar around the corners of his mouth, and stared at her round stomach. “You can touch it if you want to. You weren’t this shy outside.” 

“Sorry, I was excited.” He blushed, looking over his shoulder at Archie. 

Archie added, “I told him it wasn’t nice to run into pregnant ladies like that. He should be more careful.” 

Rae smiled, wiping sugar away from the corners of his mouth. “Well, maybe it’s not nice to strangers, but you can run to hug me like that anytime.” She took his hand, placing it near her belly button. “This little nugget won’t mind either.” 

Finn turned his attention to Archie, smiling. “What are you doing here? Thought you’d be at work.” 

Brian paused in the doorway with the two rolling bags on his way upstairs, nodding towards Archie. “Are you kidding, this one? He’s been planning for your visit since the moment you told him the two of you were considering moving.” 

Archie quickly qualified Brian’s statement. “I’m not  _that_  eager. I’ll be at work for the rest of the week, so I only took today off and then we’ll have Saturday before you two leave town. We’ll just spend today together, then go about normal life so you can see how things are around here. You know, go to the market, stop off at school, plus we assumed you two would want some time to enjoy the city on your own. Saturday will be the grand finale to remind you how wonderful this week has been.”

Finn sighed, relieved to be surrounded by people who were his home. “ _This_  is more like living a family life. It sounds grand.” 

“Good!” Archie put a hand on Finn’s shoulder. “You know the house, so make yourselves at home.” He shifted his weight to the left, looking at Rae in the large, beige chair she had settled into. “Can you help Brian with dinner tonight? Figured Finn and I could take Emerson to footie practice, then we’ll be back when it’s done to eat together.” 

Rae kept her focus on Emerson, the two in a fit of giggles. The boy sat on a footstool in front of her. She looked up briefly, before pinching his nose. “Sure, works for me.” 

_I love it when she laughs like that. It’s different than her other laughs, like all the things that clutter her mind don’t exist. I hope that’s how she is with our son._ He followed Archie towards the kitchen, taking one last glance over his shoulder at Rae and Emerson. 

****

The morning passed, Rae and Finn effortlessly slipping into the rhythm of being in Aberdeen with Archie and his family. In the early afternoon, they went to the nearest Tesco grocery, leisurely wondering the aisles and picking out food for the week. While Archie, Brian and Emerson lingered in the bakery, Finn and Rae made their way towards the produce section. Rae watched as Finn leaned forward on the basket, picking his feet off the ground and riding it forward a few steps before dropping the soles of his shoes back to the beige lament floor. _Such a kid._ A loud squeaking sound pierced the air. “Finn!”

He gave her a guilty smile. “What?”

She nudged him on the shoulder. “You didn’t even ask if I wanted a lift.” Finn gave her a puzzled look. She pulled his right hand back from the cart, stepping in front of him. They stopped momentarily while she stood on the bottom of the cart, her abdomen and hands perched on the metal handle. “I’m waiting.” 

“You want me to push you?”

“Soon enough we’ll be pushing a baby in the cart, might as well start practicing. Come on, then.” She nodded her head forward. 

From behind, she heard Finn chuckle. “Alright then, girl.” His hands slid on either side of her hips, gripping the handlebar next to hers. “Um, you’re going to have to give me directions because I can’t see through you.” 

“Take a left, I want some biscuits.” 

The front of the cart turned slightly to the left, Rae felt Finn behind her leaning all his weight to the right while pushing on the handlebar. Suddenly, the same squeak as before happened and his hands disappeared, followed by a loud thud and Finn groaning. 

The cart slowly drifted forward.  _Shit._  Rae looked over her shoulder, stepping back onto the floor. Finn was laying on his side. “You ok?”

“Think so.” He pushed himself up with his left hand, sitting. “Hit pretty hard and it surprised me.” He softly laughed. “Well, that was unexpected.” 

“So sorry, I was kidding around and didn’t even consider how heavy I must be right now.” _You daft cow._ “Being silly and I forget I’m too big to be silly.” Her legs tingled when the weight of the baby shifted from being supported by the cart handle to her back again. 

Finn held his hand out. “Help me up.” Rae took his palm in hers, leaning down to pull him up to stand. As her head lifted back up she was momentarily dizzy. “What do you mean you’re ‘too big to be silly’? That’s ridiculous.” He stepped around her, pulling the cart back from the metal rack it had quietly drifted into. “If I’d had my boots on I wouldn’t have slipped. These trainers have shit traction.” He motioned down to the adidas footie shoes he had changed into before they left the house. Rae shrugged, turning towards the produce. “Where you going? You wanted biscuits.” 

“Nah, don’t need them. Let’s get vegetables for dinner tonight.” 

He pushed the cart away from her, turning in the direction they were originally headed. “Bullshit. You want biscuits, we’re getting biscuits. What’s put you off?”

Rae shook her head, backing into a side aisle across from Finn. “Nothing.”  _What is wrong with me?_  She wanted to move her feet, but couldn’t.  _Put your hands on something. What the fuck is wrong with you? There’s always something wrong with you._  Her perception was fuzzy and she couldn’t focus.

Finn stood a few inches in front of her. “Rae?”

_Stop it right now._  She hoped sheer will would put an end to whatever was happening. Rae realized she was holding her breath, so she took a deep gulp into her lungs. Little points of light danced across Finn’s face and a strong wave of nausea rose from her stomach. “I’m going to be sick…” She turned away from Finn right before everything in her field of vision went black. 

****

She fell sideways without any warning. It was so sudden, his mind didn’t register what happened until she had already fallen. When Finn saw her on the ground, his body reacted without hesitation. He crouched down rolling Rae onto her back. “Rae…RAE!” Her complexion had taken on a subtle blue tint.  _Shit. What do I do?_  He stared at her for a split second before leaning over her mouth.  _Breathing?_ Warm air hit his ear.  _Ok, that’s good._  A few patrons slowed their shopping carts down as they passed, offering to help, but Finn didn’t hear them.  _Heartbeat?_ He fumbled, unable to decide if he should put his ear to her chest or try and check her pulse on a wrist.  _I was never good at this. Fuck._  A hand pulled him back by the shoulder. 

Brian kneeled next to him. “What happened?”

Finn turned, his brain pausing long enough to recognize Brian’s face before looking back to Rae. “I don’t know. We were joking around, she got quiet, then said something about being sick and crumpled.” 

“Let me at her.” Brian gently pushed Finn back, who obliged. 

He stood, bumping into Emerson who looked completely distraught. Archie took the boy’s hand. “Come on, Em.” Finn watched as Archie led Emerson away. 

Finn anxiously waited, his eyes drifting down to the baby. For the first time it occurred to him Rae shouldn’t be the only person he was worried about.  _Fuck. FUCK._  His heart beat faster, within moments it was the only sound he could hear. 

****

_That’s the best sleep I’ve ever had._  Rae’s eyes slowly opened, but she wasn’t sure where she was or what had happened. It was like walking out of the blackest night, towards dawn in the distance. The space around her went from a complete void, to a hazy pink, there was a bright flash of red, and as her eyes opened the world came into focus.  _What the…_  As she looked up, people stood around her. Brian examined her face, intently focused on her eyes.  _Why is Brian here?_

Brian spoke as she tried to make sense of the scene above her, “Rae, do you know where you are?”

She breathed, squinting her eyes and rolling her head to the side.  _Finn._  His face was panicked.  _What happened?_  

Brian spoke again, “Rae, can you hear me?”

“I heard you the first time.”

He looked over his shoulder at Finn. “Good news is she’s feisty for whatever that’s worth.” 

Finn’s voice was low, “It’s not fucking worth much if she’s not ok.” 

Brian turned his attention back to Rae. “Right. Rae, do you know where you are?”

“Dying of embarrassment at a Tesco in Scotland.” 

“Well that’s a good sign, feisty and you know where you are.” Brian looked up to the patrons who had stopped to help, attempting to disperse them, “She’s alright. Thank you for your help.” He nodded before looking back down to Rae. “Think you can sit?”

“Yup.” Rae pushed herself up on her palms, her left shoulder aching. “Did I fall?”

“You fainted.” Brian steadied her before placing two fingers on her wrist and focusing on his watch. 

Rae looked up at Finn. “Sorry.” 

He looked annoyed. “Did you do it on purpose?”

“No.”

“Then don’t apologize.” 

“What are you mad about?”

“I’m not mad.” 

Brian interrupted them, “Pulse is normal, so that’s good.” He produced a bottle of water, which had been stashed on the floor next to his knees. Rae gave him a questioning look. “One of the store workers brought it, almost called an ambulance too.” 

Rae rolled her eyes closed. “Shit. I’m fine, I promise.” 

Brian maintained a clinical and even tone, “Yeah, what happened? You been feeling sick?” He placed a hand to her forehead and took a closer look at her eyes.

“No, I just…God, this is embarrassing.” She pulled her head back, attempting to put some distance between Brian’s face and hers. This was the closest proximity she’d had to any man other than Finn in years. 

Brian obliged, shifting himself back and giving her a soft smile. “Sorry, best to make sure your pupils aren’t dilated. Don’t be embarrassed. What happened?”

“We were joking around, I stood on the cart and when I stepped back down I didn’t feel right. Just little things, like being foggy and my legs tingling, then I saw spots on Finn’s face and thought I would vomit all over him.” She looked back to Finn. “Sorry, love.” 

Brian stood, addressing Finn, “I think she’s ok. We’ll stop by the clinic on the way home to make sure. Here are the car keys, can you get her out there and we’ll pay for the groceries?” 

“Got her, thanks mate.” Finn put a hand on his shoulder before sitting on the floor, facing Rae and brushing her cheek with his thumb. “Not quite as blue, that’s good. You alright now, yeah?”

She laughed nervously.  _I have no idea what my body just did._  “Yeah, I’m better.” 

“Can’t do that again, my heart almost stopped. You’ve  _never_  fainted before.” Finn’s face was bright red. She moved her hand to his breast, placing it over his heart. The thumping inside his chest was strong.  _Fuck, he is scared._ Finn mirrored her, putting his hand over her heart. _Mine probably isn’t as loud._  He smiled weakly. “Still beating.”

She smiled back. “Still beating.” The two sat, staring into each others’ eyes and resting a hand over the other’s heart. Several people passed, glancing at the two of them. Rae saw the figures out of the corner of her eye, but refused to move.  _Sitting on the floor of a Tesco, we must be a picture. I don’t care._ Her heart beat faster and heat rose to her cheeks. 

Finn broke first, laughing as he glanced to the floor between them. “Can you get to the car?”

“Won’t know until we try.” 

He stood, then carefully helped her up. “Lean on me.” 

“I don’t need to lean on you, I’m fine.” 

Finn rolled his eyes. “Do me a favor, yeah? Don’t be stubborn, lean on me even if it is just to make me feel better. There’s more than one advantage to you being just taller than me.” 

Rae nudged him as they made their way to the car. “You cheeky bastard.” 

The next two hours were spent at a medical clinic halfway between the Tesco and Archie’s house. Brian and Archie dropped Finn and Rae off, taking Emerson home so one of them to get him ready for soccer and keep everything as normal as possible after Rae fainted at the store. A doctor saw them quickly, running basic tests on Rae and the baby. He assured them everything checked out and the incident was likely due to a temporary drop in Rae’s blood pressure because of how the weight of the baby shifted when she stood on the cart. He firmly advised Rae about being dehydrated, which showed up on the tests. She could almost hear Finn’s eyes roll when the doctor mentioned it. They hooked her up to an IV to make sure her electrolytes were back to normal levels before leaving.  _He’s going to be such a parent about making sure I drink enough water now._ Between the lack of fluids, stress and travel, the doctor told them to watch Rae for any further issues while in town and recommended seeing her primary physician when they got back to London. 

Finn called Archie, who picked them up and soon after they were all back at the house. It was late afternoon and Emerson had changed into his footie kit. The minute the three friends walked through the front door, he rushed out of the living room with an anxious look on his face. Archie answered his question before the boy had a chance to ask, “She’s fine, buddy. I told you that. Doctor said it too. Rae’s going to stay here while Uncle Finn and I take you to practice.” 

Rae heard Finn begin to protest, but put a hand on his arm. “That’s right, Emerson. I’m going to stay and help Brian cook dinner while Archie and Finn take you to footie, just like we planned earlier. Everything’s fine.” She waddled to the boy, who’s eyebrows creased inward. “Nothing to fret about.” She put an arm around him and he hugged at her hip. “What time will you boys be back?”

Archie glanced down at his watch. “We’ll be back around half-past six. That work, Finn?”

Everyone looked at him, waiting for a response. He shrugged.

Archie clapped his hands together. “Good enough! Brian?”

Brian walked out of the kitchen. “Rae, I’ve got a chair waiting for you and some veggies that need to be chopped. You up to it?” 

“I am!” Rae started towards the kitchen, but Finn stepped sideways grabbing a hand to stop her.

His face was serious, searching hers. “You sure you’re ok? I can stay.”

“I promise.” She offered a reassuring smile. “Now go, have fun with Em and Arch. I’m in good hands with Brian, besides I’m sick of you.” She winked at him before leaning in to kiss him on the cheek. 

He narrowed his eyes before answering hesitantly, “Ok.” 

Rae found Brian in the kitchen, behind her she could hear the boys gathering Emerson and his gear. She heard every few words, Archie was reassuring Finn everything would be fine. She passed Brian, heading towards the back side of the house where the table sat between the galley kitchen and the back garden. He had potatoes laid out for her to chop. She sat down facing Brian, who stood in front of the stove, propping her feet up in the chair at the end of the table. Rae picked up the knife and placed a potato on the chopping board. He came over, sitting across from her. “So, how you really feeling?”

Rae kept her focus on the potato in front of her, the rough skin rubbing underneath her fingers. “Fine.”

“Come off it, Rae. They’re gone.” She looked up, Brian stared at her intently. 

“I really don’t know what happened, maybe the doctor was right and it’s stress. Paris was hard, Brian. I don’t mean like we were busy, I mean…Chloe’s family is broken, John left. She’s the first one of our friends it’s happening to. My whole body feels it, that weight and things falling apart. How can we be having a baby and starting a family when hers is falling apart? It’s not fair.” 

“Shit. We were afraid that’s what she wasn’t telling anyone.” His eyes drifted to the garden behind Rae for a moment. “What do you mean she’s the first?”

Rae shook her head. “You know it’s just a matter of time, Brian. Other couples are going to split up. Fuck, how do people even stay together any more?”

“Who do you think is going to split up?”

“I don’t know. Definitely  _not_  you and Arch, you two are like the parents I wish I’d had as a child. God, if you two ever split up I think I’d take it harder than Oasis. It just seems like everything is one bad day away from going to shit.”

“‘One bad day’, huh? You think that’s all it would take to undo a life together? How does Finn feel about it?”

She sighed. “He’s Finn, constant and confident. I know we’re crazy about each other, but how do we know that won’t change? I don’t want to talk about it too much with him, I’m afraid it will make him paranoid. I think I’d break if I didn’t have him.” 

“Pretty sure you wouldn’t.” He put a hand over hers, stopping the rhythmic cutting. She looked up at him as he continued, “You don’t ever say it and you’d never want anyone to think it, but there’s a part of you that thinks you’re fragile, almost like you can’t make it on your own but you force yourself to. Rae, I’ve known you for…God, going on over seven years now, you’re a pretty tough cookie.” He sat back, keeping his focus on her. “Now don’t get me wrong, you and Finn are better for each other than you could be for anyone else. If he were sitting here he would say the same thing, that he would break without you. But, you know, the truth is neither of you would. That’s part of what makes you so strong together - you can live without each other, but you can’t make any sense out of choosing to.”

Rae smiled at him. “When did you get so bloody insightful?”

“Well, Arch doesn’t keep me around for just my pretty face.” 

“You sure about that?”

“I hope not.” He stood, returning to the stove to check on the boiling pot. “So, Finn still badgering you to get married? Or has he given up that ghost?”

“He still asks.” She returned to cutting the potatoes, the insides moistening her fingers. She rubbed them against each other, the subtly gritty texture soothing her. The motion and exhaustion from the stress of earlier caused her mind to drift.

Brian’s voice was faint, as if he had walked into another room. “You still set against it?”

Her fingertips traveled in circles against each other, the juice drying out and becoming tacky. “Beginning to wonder why I ever said ‘no’.” 

****

Finn followed Archie and Emerson onto the football field, a brew in his hand. They stopped by a snack shop on the way to practice after Archie’s son reminded him that he had promised a pudding for afterwards. Finn instinctively found the coffee, almost in a trance while filling the cup.  _This will snap me back._ He took a swig, his football shoes soft on the grass beneath his feet.  _How have the past five days seemed like a month?_

Archie turned to him. “I know you’re worried about Rae, but she’ll be fine. Brian will ring if anything happens. Emerson was set on you watching him practice and go to the game on Saturday, this will be a good distraction for tonight.” 

“I know.” He lengthened his stride, catching up to Archie.

Emerson ran ahead, turning around momentarily to call to them. “Hurry up!” His legs pumped faster and he sprinted towards the team. 

When they reached the edge of the field, Emerson stopped long enough for Archie to encourage him before joining his friends. Finn sat on the grass and Archie joined him a few minutes later after chatting with the coach. The two sat, watching children run from one end of the field to the other in warm-ups. Archie shifted several times, clearing his throat intermittently. “What you want to say, Arch?”

“Nothing.” 

“Don’t be coy. We’re here for four more days, you’re going to say it sooner or later. Easier to get it out sooner.” Finn set his brew on the ground, shaking his head.  _Shit, I promised Rae I’d drink less caffeine._

“I know you’re worried about Rae now, but you’ve just been on edge the last few times we’ve talked. What’s going on?”

“Don’t know.” The kids yelled at each other on the field as the coaches instructed them. Finn watched.  _I’ll be a dad at a practice soon_. He focused on Emerson, running towards a goal at the far end of the field. “I thought I would feel more settled at our age. Like in my early twenties I thought I would have it figured out by now, have answers…or something.” He pulled blades of grass out of the ground next to his feet. 

“What do you mean, you do have answers. You are responsible, you and Rae are brilliant.”

“Yeah, but late twenties doesn’t feel  _that_  different than early twenties, or even being a teenager for that matter. I don’t know that we’re more ready for a kid now than we were on the first mornings we woke up together in Croyde. I didn’t even know what to do today. In a second things can go from normal to an emergency.” He considered a moment.  _Someone has to have it figured out._ “How did you and Brian know you were ready?”

Archie patted him on the shoulder. “I don’t think there is such a thing as ‘ready’, mate. You do the best you can, be responsible, ask for help when you need it and do right by the little human you’re trusted with. I know you will, I have no doubt. You prepare the best you can and figure it out. What would make you more settled?” 

Finn didn’t answer.  _I wish I knew._

Archie continued, “Is this about the marriage thing? Is Rae still against it?”

Finn studied the ground between his legs. “Suppose, doesn’t matter though. I’m not asking anymore, I know we don’t need a piece of paper to prove we’re staying together. She and our child are about the only thing I’m certain of anymore, being away from our life in London makes the rest of it seem ridiculous and unimportant.”

_———————————————_

**Chapter Eight**

The nickname “The Granite City” struck Rae as ill-fitting, but undoubtedly true about Aberdeen. It conjured images of cold, stoic fortresses in her mind, but those are the last words she would ever use to describe the town. The granite used to construct most of the buildings in the central city subtly sparkled in afternoon sunlight, creating a unique warmth that made everything seem magical at times. She and Finn hired a car, taking leisurely trips to different sections of Aberdeen, shopping, laughing and enjoying time outside of their normal routine in London. Archie, Brian and Emerson went about their daily routines away from the house, the couple spending early mornings and evenings with them. 

Wednesday Rae surprised Finn, taking him to One Up Records, the only independent music shop in Aberdeen. The modest white storefront with cream trim hid a wealth of records, CDs, and tapes on two different floors. They explored, discussing the number of bookshelves that would be needed for albums they wanted while simultaneously debating the validity of one artist over another. The couple lost track of time and almost missed meeting Archie for lunch at his school. They rushed from the shop, arriving at Aberdeen Grammar School just as a bell rang. The grey buildings on campus were built to mirror the historical look of the city, with statues and turrets flanking the corners. It seemed to Rae like dropping a child off for the day might give one a similar to leaving them at a boarding school. As they made their way across the courtyard, children playing shrieked with laughter. She couldn’t help but smile, thinking about what life would have been like if she had known Finn when they were younger. She hitched a finger into a belt loop on the hip of his jeans, not breaking their stride, the leather of his belt smooth against her skin. He barely noticed the tug of her hand, causing her smile to broaden.  _We’ll always be kids when we’re together._  

He looked at her over his shoulder, looking at her with a curious expression, “You cold?” 

“No, not cold.” She pulled her finger loose, linking an arm with his. Hand tucked into his pocket, Finn pulled her closer with his bicep.  _This could be our home. These could be our streets. It’s as if we’re in a different world that’s better._

On Thursday, Rae devoted a few hours to editing a piece that had been pushed ahead of schedule for publication. Sitting in the living room at Archie’s house, it was hard to stay focused. She could hear Finn on a conference call in the kitchen. It took days after leaving London and being in Paris, but her body and mind finally separated itself from the daily confines of their well-worn life. It was as if she stepped outside for the first time in days, taking in a deep breath of brisk, fresh air. Rae was rejuvenated and her mind protested being forced back into the routine taking her away from the welcome change. 

Friday was spent strolling through historical Footdee (known as “Fittie” by the locals) nestled along the coastline at the east end of Aberdeen. The quaint fishing village houses and narrow streets reminded her of something from a travel magazine. The couple got lost, winding in and out of cobblestone paths, ultimately finding the beach and strolling along the waterline. Finn talked about surfing, encouraging Rae to give it another try after the baby was born. They mused about places they wanted to travel, which were more important, and how old their son should be before he could appreciate the trips. When she needed a rest, Finn jogged ahead, finding a bench with a good view of the ocean. She waited for him there, while he found a shop to buy drinks. They sat, laughing and making hypothetical plans for the future. The early afternoon sun warming her, Rae’s mind relaxed as if she had drunk too much wine. Finn leaned over, nibbling and sucking on her collarbone. His breath was warm against the nape of her neck, contrasting the sensation of cool, salt air hitting every other exposed part of her. Rae’s pulse raced, she was sure he noticed the pounding radiate up her throat. 

The rest of the afternoon was spent in a daze. Rae urged Finn to the car, legging it quickly and pulling him into concealed corners along the way when she couldn’t delay kissing him passionately again. She made him drive, unable to trust herself. It was eight kilometers back to Archie’s house, but she swore the distance tripled.  _Finn’s not driving fast enough._  Once inside, they peeled off each other’s clothes on the way upstairs.  _It’s like we’re kids and our parents are going to come home._ He was especially tender, worried about stress on Rae’s body. Finn paused, pulling her face back from his. “You alright?” 

She didn’t care, pushing herself into him and breathlessly answering, “Will you bloody shut that pretty mouth of yours, I need it for other things.” 

Finn tripped, the heel of his boot catching on a stair as he climbed up backwards. He laughed, careful not to pull her down with him _._ As he corrected himself to stand, she pulled the buckle on his belt open. Both ends hung from the loops on his jeans and she set about undoing the shiny button that had been revealed. He took her hands in his, turning to the top of the stairs. “Come on, girl.” 

She followed, pushing gently on his lower back and planting her lips on his neck.  _God, he is delicious._

He turned to face her, closing the door to the bedroom behind them. Rae wanted to breathe him in, be consumed by his smell and taste. She grabbed onto him, licking the base of his neck up to his shoulder before gently sucking. The heat of his body made her lightheaded as his arms wrapped around her. She missed the way his lips puckered over her skin, now reveling in the sensation.  _I want more of him._ His callused fingertips traveled from her breasts, to her neck and up to her cheeks. They settled just at her hairline, his soft, warm palms resting on her cheeks as he put a few inches between their lips and gazed into her eyes. “You sure, Rae?”

“Finn, yes. Now come on.” 

There was nothing graceful about their dance to the bed, stumbling over remaining clothing and each other. In a fit of excitement while kissing, Rae took a deep breathe in through her nose and exhaled it into Finn’s mouth, forcing his cheeks to puff out. He laughed, pulling away to look at her again. She pursed her lips in a smile, shaking her head. “Shut up.” She pushed him to sit on the end of the bed, straddling his legs. 

Sex with Finn was captivating, but she craved more than the act itself. Rae sought out and savored the moments when their eyes met, his heart beat in time with hers, they breathed together, and the world outside of the space between them disappeared. Nothing mattered to her in those seconds other than the safety, comfort, and trust they shared. Finn pushed himself back toward the head of the bed. Rae followed, the cool sheets sliding against her shins. Her entire body burned with heat, nerve endings overstimulated when she and Finn touched each other. The baby moved, reminding her it wasn’t just the two of them. Rae closed her eyes, focusing on the movement of Finn’s body against hers.  _Home._ Her mind fired off images and memories of him, like his face was the only thing it could register. She opened her eyes again. Chin buried in his neck, Rae looked down watching his back muscles move in time with her body, the top of his arse curving out before disappearing into the mattress. His shoulder blades moved back and forth in time with her hips, his fingers digging into them. Finn took in deep breaths, pushing out the rib cage under his torso muscles. She sat up, staring at him. His eyes glazed over, Finn moved a hand to her face. “Rae…” His voice was husky and low. She put her hand over his heart, focusing on the rhythmic time it kept with their movements. Her senses were overwhelmed with his musk, the dampness of his skin, and the taught muscles flexing against her. Hair fell around her face as she leaned into him, everything in her peripheral vision going dark like a curtain had closed.

Afterwards, they lay in bed laughing. Finn, pulled back the sheets, letting them settle just below her abdomen. He laid his head on the peak of Rae’s belly, an ear against her skin. “You awake in there?”

“I don’t think there’s any way he slept through that, likely traumatized him.” 

He circled his fingers just above her belly button. “That’s why we never remember things from being so young.” 

His eyes traveled over her body, from torso, to breasts, to her face, finally settling on Rae’s eyes, causing her to shiver in delight.  _I like it when he takes me in like that, like I’m beautiful scenery he wants to fix in his mind._ She ran a hand up his thigh, which was bent next to her side, letting her arm rest on it. His muscle under her hand flexed and she squeezed it. “Stop showing off.” 

Finn laughed. “Not, just ticklish.” He exhaled, warm air drifting over her skin. “You ok? Don’t feel weird or anything?”

“I swear I will tell you if I feel the least bit off.” She moved her hand to his hair, the brown fringe soft and slightly damp. “You should change your hair. Maybe style it back more or something.” 

“What? You saying you don’t like my hair anymore?”

“Believe me, I  _love_  your hair. I  _love_  every part of you. I was thinking about when you cut it short on the sides during uni.”

“I could shave it, just have a military cut.”

Rae pursed her lips, lifting her hand to point a finger at him. “Don’t you dare! If you do, I’ll cut all my hair off too.” 

He grabbed her hand with his, pushing their palms together and his fingers between hers. “Yeah, I’d prefer you don’t do that either.” 

Rae pulled at his hand gently. “Shit, do you think the kid is going to look more like you or me?” 

“I hope for his sake, you.” 

“That’s funny, because I would say  _exactly_  the opposite. He should at least inherit your eyebrows and lips, that’s a birthright.” She wiggled her hand free from his, tracing his lips with an index finger. 

“Meh, they’re ok.” Finn shrugged, his shoulder pushing against her hip. 

“I’m sorry, did you just say they’re ‘ok’? That’s bollocks and you know it. You can make a girl drop her panties within 100 yards of you, even if you deny it.” 

“I ‘can’? Sorry, but maybe I ‘could’ long ago in a town far, far away. I haven’t cared about other girls in years, you’re the only one I’m focused on dropping the panties of, as you so delicately put it. You keep me on my toes about how I accomplish it though.” 

She smiled, licking her lips. “Never doubted you, but it’s nice it be reassured.” 

A lopsided grin crept into the corners of his mouth. “We haven’t talked about a name yet.” 

There was a noise from downstairs. Finn sat up, pulling the sheet over Rae. He stood, finding his pants and dressing quickly. “I’ll go see who’s home. I’m not ready for a kid to walk in on us yet, especially if it’s not ours. Bad enough all the times Arch did over the years.” 

Rae pulled the sheet around her as she sat up.  _I have to take a piss._  “I’ll be down right after you.” Finn leaned on the mattress, kissing her softly multiple times in rapid succession. _Tease._ She tucked her fingers into the waist of his jeans, pulling him forward. 

“Rae, it kills me to say this, but we can’t.” 

“Well then, you better not start something you can’t finish.” She let him go.

Finn left, laughing and shaking his head. As she watched him turn at the top of the staircase, Rae fell back onto the bed and whispered to herself, “To be continued.” 

****

_What gets her in the mood is a mystery. Just when I think I have her figured out…BAM!_

Finn picked his shirt up on the way downstairs. In the kitchen, he found Archie sitting on a cabinet sipping tea. He gave Finn a disapproving glance. “You two done up there?”

Finn blushed a deep red. “How long you been home?”

“Long enough to remember what it was like to live with you during uni.” 

“Emerson didn’t hear us, did he?”

“Don’t worry, he’s still at school with his tutor. Brian is picking him up today. Thank God. We’ll be the ones teaching him about sex, thank you very much  _Uncle_  Finn.” 

“Well, now that will depend won’t it.” Finn opened a cabinet, getting a tall clear glass and pulling a large bottle of water from the refrigerator. 

Archie gave him a questioning look. “What do you mean?”

“Depends on if he needs to learn about sex with girls or boys. I might be a help in the future if he needs some pointers with women, so don’t discount my usefulness yet.” 

“Oh, God. You think I’m going to refer him to Finn ‘Lady Killer’ Nelson?” Archie hopped off the counter, slapping Finn on the arse as he placed the mug in the sink.

Finn shrugged. “Meh, he can talk to Rae too, that’ll balance things out.” 

“Actually, now that I think about it, if he likes girls he’ll be lucky to talk to you and Rae. In terms of family, it’s either that or Chop and Izzy. God knows I trust you more than that bloke. Love him, but he’s lucky Izzy had the bad sense to marry him. Plus, I can’t imagine he knows much about excelling at the whole enterprise. I’d trust Izzy to tell him what  _not_  to do though.” He left the kitchen. Finn turned, leaning against the counter so he could see into the hallway, watching Archie’s movements. Rae reached the bottom of the stairs as Archie passed her. “Hiya, Rae. Nice to hear some things don’t change. Do you two do that at your mum’s house too?”

Rae’s mouth fell open slightly. “Oh God, sorry Arch.” 

Archie goaded her, “Don’t be sorry. At least you’re already pregnant and I don’t have to be weirded out by the fact a baby was conceived at our house. I’d kiss you if I didn’t already know where you’ve been.” The front door opened, Emerson and Brian talking in the hallway.

Rae shot Finn a quick glance, her eyes wide. “Archie!” 

Emerson came running around the corner with Brian following closely behind. He sped past Archie, heading directly to Finn in the kitchen. Archie playfully talked to his son while looking at Brian, “Thanks, Em. Hope you had a good day too.”

Brian jokingly responded, “Nice to see you too, dad.” He kissed Archie, before turning his attention to Rae. “You are glowing, my love! Get into any  trouble today?”

The look on Rae’s face fell somewhere between embarrassed and entertained. Finn couldn’t help but laugh, almost spitting water onto Emerson, who was oblivious to the undertones of what was being said but wanted to understand. The little boy looked back and forth between the adults before asking, “Are you in trouble?” 

“No, no. Look at me, do I look like I would get in trouble?” Finn waited for the boy to answer. 

Emerson studied him, considering. “No.” 

“That’s right.” He took a big swig of water from the glass in his hand. 

Brian passed them, setting Emerson’s school bag on the counter. “What are you two gents talking about?”

Finn winked at Emerson. “Nothing, Em was about to tell me about school today.”

Rae walked into the kitchen and he handed her the half full glass in his hand, raising his eyebrows.  _Hydrate._  She smiled, taking it from him. “Thanks, di-.” She stopped short of finishing the term of endearment they  shared for years, looking down at Emerson. 

With wide eyes, he took in a quick breath before providing her a substitution, “DEAR.”  _Shit, we really are going to have to find something different._

The remainder of the day was spent in a domestic routine of homework, dinner and a movie. Once everyone settled back into the living room, Emerson eagerly pulled a copy of the “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” dvd from the cupboard next to the T.V. Brian groaned, “Not _that_  again.” 

The boy skipped to his father. “PLEASSSE.” He flashed a huge smile, holding the case in front of his face. 

Archie leaned forward, taking and opening it. “We can watch it tonight, but we’re taking a break after that for two weeks. Ok?” Emerson ran to the dvd player, clicking it open. The tray extended in front of him and he carefully put the disc in, clicking the button to close it.  “Em, did you hear me?” The little boy sat a foot in front of the T.V., eagerly waiting for the screen to light up. 

Archie and Brian looked at each other. Brian stood, coming up behind Emerson and gently pulling him back to the middle of the floor with his hands under the boy’s armpits. “Not so close. Did you hear your da?”

Emerson wiggled away. “I heard, yes.”

Brian shook his head, returning to sit next to Archie on one of the couches. “He’s watched that movie at least six times in the past two weeks.”

Archie shrugged, looking at Finn and Rae who were situated on a second couch parallel to them. “We started reading the book series with him a month ago at bedtime and he’s become obsessed. Then we thought it would be a good idea to watch some of the movies and it’s been downhill since then. I expect his bug themed birthday party will change into a Potter party soon enough.” 

Finn looked puzzled. “Who’s Harry Potter?”

Everyone looked at him in unison. Rae, who had her back leaned against his chest, patted his cheek. “Finn, I told you about the books. I read them a few years ago.” She loudly whispered to Brian and Archie, “He never listens to me when I talk about books he should read.” 

Archie gave Finn a placating look. “Enjoy being oblivious now, it’s only a matter of time before you get consumed by your kid’s interests too. I look forward to that happening.” 

“Be quiet!” Emerson had maintained his focus on the T.V., but loudly directed everyone, “It’s starting.” 

Brian chuckled, “Alright, Em, be nice.”

The set flickered and the room fell silent apart from the movie playing. It didn’t take long before Finn drifted off to sleep. He woke up when Rae kissed him. “Come on you, let’s get to bed. Old man, you went to sleep in the first half hour of the movie.” She pulled him up, tugging his hand and leading them upstairs. 

The next morning, Finn woke to the smell of frying sausages. His stomach grumbled, urging him to get up. When he rolled over, Rae’s side of the bed was empty. He sat up, cracking his neck and stretching. His back and hips were sore.  _Bloody hell, I hope yesterday wasn’t a one-off. Easy, Finn. Rae’s the one carrying another human, follow her lead._  There was muffled talking downstairs accompanying the smells making their way up to him. He pulled a shirt on and jogged down to join everyone. Brian, Archie and Emerson were busy making their version of a Scottish breakfast with sausages, tomatoes, eggs, mushrooms, beans and potato hash. Rae sat at the table watching with a cup of coffee between her hands. Finn was shooed out of the kitchen and told to join her. 

The morning was spent enjoying the lavish breakfast and laughing. By noon, everyone was ready to leave for Emerson’s football game. It was overcast, with a light drizzle of rain. By the time they arrived at the field, parents lined the sides, some with folding chairs and others standing. There was a mix of umbrellas and colored raincoats dotting the scene. Finn pulled his jacket collar up around his neck before tugging the zipper to make sure it was closed all the way. Rae opted for a rain poncho, which made a soft whipping noise as the wind ruffled it when she walked. He took her hand.  _Make sure she doesn’t fall._  Her fingers were cold and as they approached the other adults, he turned and gathered both her hands in his, rubbing her fingers between his palms and blowing on them. “We should have thought to bring gloves.” 

She nuzzled her nose against the crown of his head. “I don’t need gloves, it’ll pass. It’s not even bloody Fall yet. But I love you for noticing.” 

Brian and Archie motioned for them to follow, placing out chairs. The four sat, watching the kids run from one end of the field to the other. Brian and Archie cheered occasionally as Finn watched intently. Suddenly, Rae stood as Emerson approached the opposition’s goal with the ball. “I know you’re tired, but you can do it! You can score a goal!” 

Finn laughed so hard he snorted. Archie leaned over to him. “Isn’t that what she used to scream at  _your_  games during uni?”

He hung his head. “Abso-fucking-lutely.” 

“Looks like you’re getting replaced, mate.” 

Rae hadn’t noticed their banter as she continued, “Loving your work, Emerson!” 

Finn rubbed his forehead with a hand. When Rae returned to sitting he shifted his weight towards her. “We’re going to have to teach you different cheers.” 

She gave him a confused look. “Why?”

“Because, when you cheered for me like that it was cute. A child might feel differently.” 

She playfully pushed him away. “Sod off, there’s nothing wrong with how I cheer. Our son will tell you that when he’s old enough.”

Emerson’s team won the game shortly after. Families dispersed as the sky continued to darken and rain fell harder. Archie and Brian followed suit, leading everyone back to the car and driving home. They originally planned an afternoon picnic on the grounds of Aberdeen University, but determined it would be a lost cause. The rest of the day was spent in the living room of the house. Everyone changed into warm clothes and thick socks, bundling up next to a roaring fire, eating the packed picnic on the floor, playing games and laughing as rain fell against the windows. Emerson’s giggle radiated through the house as he jumped on everyone intermittently, hugging and tickling the adults. When evening approached, Finn sat back and watched everyone, his heart full from their time in Scotland.  _This is a life I want._ Everything about Archie, Brian and Emerson’s family was an organic extension of how Finn saw himself - the care, the intentional time, the love, the laughter, the memories, and all the in-between moments. 

Outside grew dark as their last day in Scotland drew to a close. Finn and Rae planned to leave early morning on Sunday, making the ten hour drive to Croyde in their hired car. As they settled into bed, Finn curled behind Rae on his side. She steadily ran her fingers through his hand as he dozed off. 

Finn thought they’d only been asleep a few minutes when a hushed whisper woke him from the hallway, “Finn…FINN.” 

His eyes slowly opened. The room was dark, but as his sight adjusted Finn could tell the door from their room to the upstairs landing was cracked open. Rae was gone and he turned to check the time.  _Three twenty-four._  He heard the same insistent call from outside their door, “Fiiinnnnn.” It was her. 

He stood, crossing the room and opening the door all the way. Groggy, it took him a minute to see her in the moonlight strewn space. She was standing midway between the bathroom and the stairs with her back to him.  _Shit, the baby._ He was fully awake now, taking two steps and placing a hand on her back. “You ok?” It took him a moment to see the childlike grin on her face.

She kept talking in a low volume, “Listen.” 

He furrowed his brow. “What?”

“Shhhhh, LISTEN.” She hit him softly on the arm before pointing to Brian and Archie’s room. 

He waited.  _What am I listening for?_ Then he heard it, a low moan followed by a groan.  _What the fuck? Oh…_ Rae giggled softly next to him.  _She’s enjoying this._ “Rae, let’s go back to bed.” 

“No way!” 

“Rae, come on.” He pulled her arm. 

She turned, slapping his chest playfully a few times. “You know Arch didn’t just  _hear_  us all those times in uni or when you lived together, right? He  _listened_  to us. Fair is fair, I want to listen too.” She brushed past Finn, planting herself on the top step of the stairs, the railing and a few feet separating her from Brian and Archie’s bedroom. 

Finn huffed out a breath.  _Bloody hell._ He rolled his eyes before sitting down next to her. He looked from where Rae’s attention was settled on the faint noises coming from Brian and Archie’s room back to their bedroom directly across from it through the opposite railing.  _I want to go back to sleep, but it’s weird to leave her out here alone. What if this makes her want to have sex? Please, sweet mother of…wait, is that weird? I need to get laid again._ Finn yawned just as he heard a husky voice on the other side of Rae, “Oh God…” She turned, slapping Finn’s thigh. He looked at her, suppressing a laugh, and she pumped a fist between them a few times. She gasped and he dropped his head while giggling, “You’re such a child.” 

“Who do you think that was?”

Finn considered a moment.  _Should I tell her? Why the fuck not._ “It was Archie.”

“What? How do you know.” 

“We’ve been mates a  _long_  time. You might not have heard him have sex before, but I sure as shit have.” Rae raised her eyebrows. “Hey, I didn’t  _listen_ , I  _heard.”_

She playfully pursed her lips at him. “You’re keeping stories from me. It’s like I don’t even know you.” 

“It’s for your own good. I see how respectful you are.” He gestured to the noises continuing to emanate from Brian and Archie’s room.  _God, how are they still going? Do I last that long? I should talk to Arch about that._

Rae pushed her fingers through Finn’s hair from his forehead to the crown of his head. They sat in the moonlight looking at each other.  _I want to kiss her, but I’ll laugh with that soundtrack in the background._  The groaning intensified and a few seconds later things grew quiet. Rae’s mouth dropped open before they both softly laughed. She pulled his hand into her lap, examining it. Her next words were barely audible, “Let’s get married.” 

_What’d she say? She didn’t say what I think…_ Rae looked at him with a wide smile, her eyes reflecting little bits of moonlight coming through the window in front of them. “Marry me, Finn.” 

Searching her face, he was acutely aware of his heartbeat. “You making a joke?”

“I’m completely serious.” 

“No.”

Rae pulled her head back slightly, furrowing her brow. “What do you mean ‘no’?”

Finn stood, stepping back up onto the landing and returning to their bedroom. He could hear Rae trailing behind him as he answered her question, “I mean, no.” 

She closed the door as Finn laid down, pulling the sheet back up over his torso. She joined him, sitting on the bed. He could feel her staring at him in the dark. “You want to get married, why you saying ‘no’?”

“We’re not getting engaged sitting on the top step of a landing in our mates’ house listening to them have sex.” 

“Come on. You’ve asked me a hundred times over the past how many ever years. Just pick one of those stories and we can tell people that one, but now we’ll just know we’re going to do it.” She blindly grabbed at his hand, fumbling before finding and holding it in hers. 

“No.” He pulled her down to lay next to him.

Rae hugged his torso. “But we’re getting married, yeah?”

“Go to sleep, Rae.” 

“Finn, this means we’re engaged, right?”

“Shhhh, stop banging on about it.” He patted the top of her head. Finn couldn’t stop smiling, endorphins rushing through his body. He wanted to run a marathon, but forced himself to stay still.  _Calm down._ Every time his eyes closed, Finn envisioned a band on Rae’s wedding finger.  _Fuck, that is the sexiest thing I think I’ve ever imagined._ Rae’s breathing grew heavy and low.  _She’s asleep._ He couldn’t contain himself, slipping out of Rae’s arms and quietly leaving the room. He jogged down the stairs and into the kitchen, where he stood staring into the back garden. Without warning, he jumped up and down pumping both fists in the air as if he scored the winning goal in the most important footie match of his life. 

From behind him a voice interrupted the celebration. “Well that’s a ‘yes’ if I’ve ever seen one.” He turned, making out Rae’s figure at the opposite end of the kitchen in the dark just as she burst into laughter. Finn crossed the distance between them, pushing her into the wall and kissing her roughly. His hands traveled from her face to her abdomen, where he sensed the subtle movement of their son shifting. Rae’s hands settled on the back of his head, urging him deeper into their kiss. 

He pulled back from her suddenly, shaking his head. “Don’t think I’m  _that_  easy.” 

She tapped the end of his nose with her index finger. “You’re easy, it’s now an irrefutable fact.” 

“Maybe so, but we’re not telling anyone that you agreed to marry me while we listened to Arch and Brian getting off with each other. Our kid will be in college before he can hear that story.” 

Rae smugly smiled. “First thing,  _you_  agreed to marry  _me_ …”

Finn cut her off, “First thing,  _you_  do not get credit for this. I’ve asked you for  _years_  and you asked once. Nope, I did the asking and you did the accepting.” He wrapped his arms around Rae’s waist, pulling her forward. “Second thing, I don’t bloody care what story we come up with, but what happened tonight is just ours.” 

Rae leaned in, catching his lower lip gently between her teeth as she whispered, “Agreed.” Her hands moved down to the waistband of his boxers. “But if that’s the agreement, let’s really make this a night we can’t tell people about.” 

_———————————————_

**Chapter Nine**

Tires pushed water from the A90 motorway as the car sped south, creating an ambient swishing noise while the stereo methodically played through Arctic Monkey’s album “Whatever People Say I am, That’s What I’m Not”. Rae was settled into the passenger’s seat, laptop open and busy working on her next article. Finn focused on the road, and she saw his fingers tapping on the wheel from the corner of her eye along to [“From the Ritz to the Rubble”](http://darlingdiver.tumblr.com/post/98933622206) as Alex Turner chanted through the speakers. 

They had pulled away from Aberdeen close to ten in the morning. Brian, Archie and Emerson stood in the lawn waving good-bye. A pang of homesickness hit her as they grew smaller from the back window of the accelerating car. Having a family care for her and give them a safe space to be themselves was exactly what Rae wanted.  _Having it be more than just us was brilliant. We’re not alone._ The rain picked up an hour outside of town and continued, collecting and running down the windows of the hired car as they drove. A relaxed silence fell between Rae and Finn as they set about getting halfway to Croyde. The entire drive would take close to ten hours, so they intended on splitting it into two days, staying one night at the midway point in Preston. There was nothing special about the town, but it would serve as a utilitarian stop for dinner and a rest.  

Finn turned the volume nob on the stereo up, but Rae could still hear him singing along.  _If we were at home he would be jumping around the living room. I want to jump around too._  She resisted the urge to bob her head up and down along with the beat.  _I’ll get carsick._  It was increasingly difficult to keep her attention on being productive. She stared at the blank page on the screen in front of her.  _Fuck this. I don’t want to be an adult._  She clicked the laptop closed, reaching into the backseat for her bag. Sliding it into the padded sleeve, she returned the case to the floor behind Finn’s seat. The song ended as she turned forward, glancing at the clock.  _One fifteen._ Rae stretched her arms towards the roof just as the opening drums to[“A Certain Romance”](http://darlingdiver.tumblr.com/post/99327596396/door-of-infinity-arctic-monkeys-a-certain) vibrated the floorboards. She turned the volumed down, dropping her head sideways towards Finn. “About ready for a break?” 

His eyes flicked down to the digital numbers on the clock. “Yeah, probably about time. How you holding up?”

“Good, could use a stretch and toilet though. This bugger is pressing on my bladder.” She put her hands on either side of her abdomen, pushing it up in an attempt to relieve the pressure on her pelvic bone.  _God, any position is getting hard to bear. I can’t imagine three more months of this._

They passed through The Seven Lochs Wetland Park east of Glasgow before turning onto the M74 south when Rae spied a BP motorway services station. She instinctively pointed to it across the car, almost hitting Finn in the face. “There!” 

“I see, Rae.” He pushed her hand down, where she left it laying across his thigh. He narrowed his eyes, then sat back without exiting the motorway.

Rae clenched her fist in his lap. “What the fuck?”

“It’s rundown. There’ll be another one shortly.” He turned the music back up, increasing their speed down the road. 

Knowing a bathroom would be near soon made the need to evacuate her bladder more urgent.  _Fuck. I won’t piss myself, will I?_ She tapped her feet on the floorboard, trying to distract herself by shifting from one hip to the other.  _Shit…ok that makes it worse. Wait, that’s better. No, not better. Dammit._ The landscape was green with sparse buildings dotted along the way.  _None of these are service stations. I am going to piss myself._   _I’m an adult who is going to piss herself. Oh God. We’ll never fuck again._ The empty water bottle in the cup holder next to Rae’s knee mocked her.  _You can do this, don’t piss yourself._ The swooshing noise of the water on the road against the car became torturous.  _I’m going to punch him._ She pulled her hand from his lap. She stared at the side of Finn’s face, her eyes narrowing.  _You know what you’ve done, you bastard._

Finn turned the wheel, pulling onto an exit in Abington. She saw a Shell petrol sign and nicely maintained services center.  _About bloody time._ As the car rolled to a stop next to a petrol pump, she opened the passenger door and exited without saying a word. Marching across the pavement into the building, Rae adeptly spotted a female stick figure identifying the toilets.  _Thank Christ for that._  

A few minutes later, she exited, wiping her hands with a paper towel. She looked around, appraising food and drink options. Rae ambled down the aisles, examining packages of cakes, crisps and assorted candies before turning to the standing coolers with drinks. _Nothing looks good._  She settled on a large bottle of water.  _I’ll be miserable in half an hour and needing to stop again anyway._ As she closed the glass door to the case, Finn reached around taking the bottle from her hand.

“What else you want?” His tone was flat.

She shrugged, pulling her mouth to the side. “Nothing looks good.” 

“You should get something.” He pulled a bag of Walkers crisps from the stand behind him. Finn pushed his mouth to the side, blankly staring around the shop. 

Rae snapped her fingers in his eye line. “Hello?”

He shook his head. “Sorry. What you want?” Finn turned, heading aimlessly down another aisle.

She stared at his back before following him and whispering to herself, “What the fuck?”  _Did he actually sense I was cross in the car? That would be a first._ When Rae caught up to him, she gently pulled him back by the shoulder to get his attention. “Finn, I’m not mad.”

He cocked his head to the side, scrunching his face into a quizzical expression. “Why would _you_  be mad?”

“You took so long to stop for the loo, of course. Why, what’s got you?”

He sighed, eyes shifting from one side to another before settling on hers. “Let’s buy whatever and I’ll tell you outside.” Before she could respond, he plodded away from her towards the register. 

She made a mocking face, pulling her head back suddenly.  _That was dramatic._ Within minutes they were crossing the car park where Finn  left the vehicle. Once there, he opened the passenger door and placed the plastic bag with food and drinks in the seat. Rae was a few steps behind and reached him just as he closed the door and leaned against the side. She furrowed her brow. “What?”

“My da called while I was filling the tank.” 

“Ok.” She waited.  _Oh shit._  Rae decided to continue cautiously, “Is he ok? Did something happen?”

“Yes…” Finn considered before continuing, “I mean, no. Sort of.” He shifted uncomfortably.

“Out with it, you nit.” 

He shot her a stern, impatient look. “Stop.”

Rae turned to lean against the car next to him, waiting a few beats. “Sorry, let me start again. Is your da hurt?”

Finn stared soberly across the pavement. “No.”

“Ok, that’s good. So what happened?”

“Remember my Nan’s house we’ve leased since she died?”

“Yeah, you’ve both mentioned it a time or two. I mean, you don’t talk about it really, but I know he kept it.” 

“We’re loosing the tenants. He wants us to stop by and check in on the drive down since they’ve moved out. He called me on our first day in Paris, but I was stuck between the twins and couldn’t reach my phone. Then, I forgot he called until just now when he rang again.” Finn shrugged. “He was trying to catch us because he knew it would be on our way to Croyde.” 

“Where’s your Nan’s house?”

Finn’s face remained stoic. “Stoke Bishop, just outside of Bristol.” 

“That’s on the way. It’s no trouble for us to stop.”  _I’m seriously missing something here, right?_

He glanced at her sideways. “It’s three and a half hours past Preston, so we’d have to drive close to six more hours today.” 

“It’s not ideal, but we can do it.” 

Finn shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans, pushing the heel of his right shoe into the toe of his left, and examining the ground. “Da mentioned selling it instead of finding someone new to lease it.” 

_Makes sense. Why is he upset?_  Rae waited, not venturing to guess why he had turned sullen over the subject. She looked up at the sky, tiny fragments of light filtering through the clouds as they moved.  _It’s sunny somewhere._  She continued to wait, but Finn wasn’t talking. After an exasperated exhale he stood. “You ready?”

“No, not until you tell me what’s bothering you about the call with your da.” 

He continued as if not hearing her, “I’ll drive.” 

She grabbed the keys from his hand. “No you won’t.”

Finn knitted his eyebrows together. “Why?”

“You’re upset and distracted, I’m driving until you’re sorted.” 

He raised his voice slightly as she rounded the front of the car heading to the driver’s side, “I’m not upset.” 

Rae gave him an annoyed look. “Really, you sure about that?”  _I mean, let’s be honest._

Finn paced from the bonnet back to the passenger’s door. “I don’t know what I am, but I can drive.” 

_How did I just make it worse?_ “Finn, look at me.” 

He stopped, looking up at her like a small child pulled from his thoughts. “What?”

“Do you need a second to get some energy out? I mean, like express something that doesn’t have words so  _then_  you can talk about it?”

His eyes narrowed. “Sure.”

Rae smiled. “Right then, you get in and yell. I’ll wait.”

"What?"

"If we were in London you’d go for a run, but you can’t do that now. Maybe getting some energy out will help to clear your mind and you can find the right words to talk about whatever is getting at you. I’m still driving though. Now in.” She pointed to the car. 

He responded hesitantly, “Ok.” After a beat, he opened the passenger door, pushing the bag of food into the center console and closing it behind him. Rae rounded the front of the car, leaning against the bonnet and staring out across the car park and fuel pumps.  _Out with it._ Within a few seconds Finn screamed in the car behind her, yelling and cursing as loud as he could. A woman passed her on the way to another car, turning her focus to them with a questioning look. Rae smiled, nodding subtly.  _I should have grabbed something to read from the car, then I could avoid eye contact._  She shifted her focus to the ground beneath her feet. The screaming continued behind her for another minute, then things grew quiet. Rae glanced over her shoulder. Finn was leaned back against the seat, his eyes closed.  _Worn out at least._

She returned to the driver’s side, opening the door and sitting next to him. “Better?”

His eyes opened as his head rolled towards her. “Yeah.” 

“Away we go.” Rae started the car and exited the services station.

****

The countryside blurred past them.  _Five fucking hours._ Finn knew Rae was waiting for him to talk, but he couldn’t articulate why the call with his da bothered him so much. He buried his chin in his palm, intently focusing on the obscure lines of color passing outside the window. _Five fucking hours AND a detour._

In a ten year relationship, Finn anecdotally discussed his Nan but successfully avoided verbalizing the depth of their relationship. When he was honest with himself, the pattern had gone back further than ten years with Rae. He stopped talking about her after she died the summer between his first and second year in college. Aside from his da, Archie was the only person who knew how important she had been during his childhood. He knew it wasn’t about obscuring information from Rae, but refused to admit it was tied to his inability to reconcile Nan’s absence. The drums to [“Something is Not Right With Me” by Cold War Kids](http://darlingdiver.tumblr.com/post/99410431721/yourprescription-cold-war-kids-something-is) beat through the car, punctuating Finn’s thoughts. 

_Something is not right with me_

_Something is not right with me_

_Something is not right with me_

_How was I supposed to know?_

Finn’s mum left nearly a month after his eighth birthday, departing their family without an explanation. Nan, his da’s mum, was livid. He remembered her restrained voice in the kitchen talking to his da while he sat listening on the stairs in their house. From that day on, she maintained her home in Stoke Bishop, where his da grew up, but spent lengths of time in Stamford helping her son and grandson transition to being a family of two rather than three. Every year, Finn spent summers away from Stamford with her in Stoke Bishop. His memory was full of bright, sunny days getting lost in the woodlands across from her house on Sea Mills Lane, rainy afternoons playing cards together, and idolizing the uni kids who moved back into town at the end of the summer when the University of Bristol campus came alive right before he was sent home. 

_Something is not right with me_

_Something is not right with me_

_Something is not right with me_

_I try and not to let it show_

The relationship between Finn’s parents was strained for years before they split. He internalized the relational climate, becoming quiet and introspective. As Finn grew older, the relationship with his Nan became a safe place to process and explore his thoughts and ideas. When she died, he lost a confidant, friend and mother. He hadn’t been back to her house since the month after she died, when he and his da went to pack her belongings. Since then, his da took care of managing the house and tenants, knowing how delicate the subject was with his son. When Finn met Rae, she was the first girl he felt a similar closeness with. He wanted to share their lives, making the future an adventure together. However, when it came to the subject of his Nan, Finn was an expert at sharing just enough to give her the illusion of knowing his intimate thoughts without really opening himself up to relive the hurt and sadness of not having her around anymore.  _If I don’t go back to Bristol it’s like I haven’t called or seen her in a really long time and she’ll be really mad when I finally get around to it…but she’s still there._

Rae turned the volume down slightly and cleared her throat. “So, we’re still stopping in Bristol tonight… _not_  Preston, right?”

“Yeah, Bristol.” 

“Just checking.” She hummed before continuing, “I assumed we never went to your Nan’s house because it was leased to tenants, but you’re reaction makes me think there might have been other reasons.”

_I wish I could walk into another room, fuck this enclosed space._  He tapped the toes of his boots on the floorboard, leaning forward and stretching his back before sitting up. “I haven’t been back to my Nan’s house since she died.” 

Rae took in a sharp breath. “Oh…”

The song faded out and the opening piano chords to [“I’ve Seen Enough”](http://darlingdiver.tumblr.com/post/99414389621/songforeveryday-cold-war-kids-ive-seen) started. “Now, da is talking about selling it and the thought of it not being somewhere I  _could_  go back to whenever I want isn’t sitting right with me. It’s been years, I don’t know why I haven’t moved on.” 

“Have we never been to Bristol because it was leased or because  _you_  didn’t want to go back?”

He considered a moment. “The second one.” 

“Don’t get mad, but did anything bad happen there?”

His chilly demeanor broke as a gentle smile spread across his face. “No, no. She was the most amazing woman I’ve known in my life…well,  _one_  of them. I hate you two never knew each other.” He scratched the back of his head. “God, you would have liked my Nan. She was always talking about something.” 

Rae glanced at him sideways. “What are you trying to say?”

“Nothing, you’re just always banging on about it.”

She shook her head and laughed, “Cheeky bastard.” 

“No, in a good way. I like it, have since we met. I liked talking to you from the start, and I never liked talking to anybody.” He scrunched his brow and nose together, pulling a playful face at her. 

Rae mirrored the gesture before he turned his attention to looking out the window again. She continued, “Tell me a story about her. One that you haven’t thought about in a long time, one that I’ve never heard.” 

He knew she was attempting to pull him further out of his sullen mood, but Finn’s heart was too heavy. “I can’t right now. Sorry, Rae. I just…can we not talk about it?”

 “Of course.”

Finn felt a reassuring hand on the nape of his neck for a moment before seeing Rae’s hand reach down to the stereo nob, turning up the music. They continued down the road in silence with music playing, his mind flipping through memories of his Nan. 

****

Rae decided to leave Finn alone. The next few hours were full of loud music and creating stories in her head to pass the time. He eventually fell asleep on the passenger’s side. When she glanced at him, his peaceful expression made her hopeful he was getting away from whatever was weighing on him. He didn’t wake up until she pulled off for a late afternoon stop south of Preston. They had been driving for a little over three hours and only had two left before reaching Bristol. After refilling the car with petrol, they ate an early dinner before getting back on the road. Finn insisted on driving the rest of the way, so Rae returned to working while he drowned out any available space for them to talk with a rotating playlist. 

By six in the evening, Finn exited the M5. The vast green landscape became populated with houses and businesses. Rae stretched down, re-packing her laptop in the case. Eight hours in the car was a long time, especially considering the last five were mostly spent in silence.  _I know he isn’t mad at me, but it’s weird to not even joke._ He expertly navigated them through central Stoke Bishop and further into neighborhoods towards the Avon river. She watched him from the corner of her eye, holding her breath without knowing the reason.  _Is he going to get mad or upset?_[Spoon’s “Got Nuffin”](http://darlingdiver.tumblr.com/post/99243193571/retracingben-got-nuffin-spoon-when-i-cant) played on the stereo.

_And I got nothing to lose but darkness and shadows_

_Got nothing to lose but bitterness and patterns_

_When I can’t find the way to reach you my love_

_I’m just not the same_

_Just the same_

With a few final turns, Finn slowly accelerated down Sea Mills Lane. A large green space opened next to them on his side of the car, while an understated neighborhood appeared outside Rae’s window. Detached houses stood a few feet apart, each with colorful gardens and beautifully simple exteriors.  _This isn’t what I expected._  It was peaceful and in her mind Rae could envision a young Finn running through the yards.  _No wonder his da sent him here, this would be an amazing place for a kid._  He slowly pulled the car over in front of a two-story white house. She stared at it, both puzzled and in awe. Lush green plants billowed over the top of the natural wood fence surrounding the house. On the first floor were two six-paned bay windows with an overhang and directly above were two large windows with red accent paint on the bottom trim. Finn switched off the ignition and the car grew silent. Rae turned to him. “This…this is perfect.” 

He exhaled slowly and his eyes glistened in the orange light of early evening. “Aye, it is.” 

_Is he crying? Shit, this is serious._

Finn gave her a quick glance and weak smile before pushing the door open and getting out of the car. She followed his lead, passing through the gate onto the cement pathway toward the bright red door with stained glass panes halfway along the side of the house. Finn paused before pushing the door open, running his fingers along the wood frame. She watched him, as if he was walking into a sacred place. Rae continued following his lead as they crossed the threshold. 

Inside, the house was a welcoming combination of a comfortably worn but well kept space. It was clearly older, but had been thoughtfully upgraded. The maple wood floors creaked beneath her feet and looked original to the house, but refinished at some point. There was a staircase immediately to the right, hugging the white walls with the wood banister painted a bright accent red. Directly ahead of them  was a walk through to the dining and living rooms, situated in the front of the house aligned with the bay windows. A small hallway stood through a door to the right, directly past the staircase. It lead to a kitchen on the left and a glass-paned door that opened into a bright music room at the back of the house with an open-air feel and bright windows. The house was deceptive from the front, appearing meek and reserved, but inside it was open, contemporary and relaxed. Rae’s mouth was agape as she slowly explored the first floor, poking her head in and out of rooms. The kitchen had an exposed brick wall on one side behind the cabinets and she ran her hand along the bumpy texture. Finn busied himself checking pipes under sinks, windows and doors. She hovered in the music room, staring into the back garden.  _Holy shit. They never said her house was like this._ Within a few minutes he disappeared upstairs, Rae could hear his footsteps, cabinet doors opening and closing, then everything grew quiet. She waited, but no sound came.  

She cautiously made her way upstairs, the floor softly creaking every so often. At the top of the stairs were three bedrooms and two baths. Rae peaked her head into each one, finally finding Finn sitting against a wall in the last bedroom, knees pulled into his chest like he had given up and slid down in defeat. “Finn?” He didn’t answer, head hung between his knees. 

****

The house was bare, but very little had changed since Finn’s last time here. The updates his da made to the house were perfect, paying homage to the improvements Nan had mad plans for before she died. Finn stuffed his emotions down as they walked into the house, maintaining a methodical mindset to check everything his da had asked. He couldn’t maintain it though when he reached her room, leaning against the wall and sliding to the floor like an exhausted child. The twilight filtering through the windows, dancing from the bright walls down to the floor. He heard Rae walking up the stairs and through each of the rooms until she found him. The sounds of someone else moving in this house brought Nan back in his mind.  _She’s still here._  He closed his eyes as tears slid down both cheeks, dropping his head. 

Rae sat next to him on the floor, gently pushing her hand in the space between his arm and leg, resting it on his thigh. She leaned into him, putting her cheek on his shoulder. “This is beautiful.” 

Finn pulled his head up, inhaling sharply. His cheeks were still wet. “Yeah.” He roughly pushed his palms against them, brushing away the moisture. 

Rae lovingly swept a finger under his left eye. “Tell me a story, Finlay.”  

Finn hesitantly laughed, laying his head against the wall and taking her hand in his.“You’ve asked over the years how I knew you were the one, yeah?”

Rae smiled. “Yeah.”

“In 1990, I was ten and came to stay with my Nan for another summer. It was the end of May and I’d heard on the radio in Stamford the Stone Roses were playing a big concert on Spike Island, which is only like ten minutes from here. I was set to go. I didn’t have any mates in town, but it didn’t matter, I’d go alone because it was the concert of the century in my mind. The problem was getting past her. I knew I couldn’t sneak out and I didn’t want to lie, so I begged her to drive me, drop me off or something ridiculous like that. You know, stupid logic that only works in a kid’s head.” He examined her hand in his. “I remember her laughing, it was so loud and happy. She was reading in the back sunroom when I asked. She put an arm around me, gently telling me there was no way she would let me go to the concert - I was too young and going alone wasn’t a good idea. God, I was so mad at her. That woman though, she packed a dinner and drove us to the north side of the harbor across from the island. We sat on the bonnet of her car, listening to the crowd cheer and music play in the distance. She wasn’t in a hurry to leave, letting us stay as long as I wanted. We ended up staring into the sky talking about music for hours. She wanted me to tell her all the things I liked. I’m sure it looked ridiculous, this grey haired woman and kid with a picnic on a car while the world was going insane just across the water.” He paused, looking at her. “That’s how it was when I met you, like I was sitting back on the bonnet of that car staring at the sky with someone I loved and could say anything to. I was safe. I hadn’t felt that way with anyone since my Nan. I mean, it was different with you but still like coming home and finding a part of her.” He inhaled and exhaled slowly, forcing himself to relax. Rae’s eyes traveled over his face before a tear slid down her cheek. “Oh fuck, Rae, don’t be sad. It was meant to be a happy story.” 

She shook her head, wiping the tear away in a sift motion with her fingers. “I’m not sad. All the times I questioned us in the beginning and you never told me that story. It’s beautiful, it’s the best compliment you could ever give me.” The two breathed in silence before Rae continued, “Maybe I am sad though. I’m sad we’ve been together ten years and I’m only hearing that story now. You were at fucking Spike Island and you never told me. I’ve heard funny stories about your Nan, but never anything like that. I knew she was really important, but only by reading through the lines of how you and your da talk about her.” 

Finn gave her a lopsided grin. “Never told you about hearing Arch have sex either.” 

Rae smiled weakly. “True, but I wager this is much more important in your life than that.” 

“Point taken. Even after ten years there are things we haven’t told each other for one reason or another. I never drew a parallel between that moment with her and you until now, it’s like the connection in my brain has been there all these years but I only saw it thinking about her again now. I haven’t told that story to anyone since before I met you.” 

Her thumb massaged the side of his hand. “Thank you for sharing it with me. I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk about more of your memories of her.” She leaned her head against his shoulder again. 

He laid his head on hers. “I know. It’s just so unfair she’ll never know you, our kids and the life we’ll have together. She won’t be a part of it and that means a piece of me is missing. I hate it. Your family is moving, Nan is dead, there are things about our lives that will never be the same, things our kids will never know.” The chasm in his chest seemed smaller now that he wasn’t trying to desperately hold it together alone.  _She understands._

Rae’s grip tightened. “I’m sorry, Finn. I wish she were still here too, Nan was an amazing woman. We have you though, and she’s a part of who you are.” 

“Aye, she is.” The two sat in silence. Finn closed his eyes, listening to the silent house mix with sounds from outside filtering in through the windows. 

Rae softly spoke, “Do you want to spend the night here?”

Finn sat up, taking in a deep breath. “No, don’t think that’s a good idea. We’re only two hours from Croyde, might as well get there tonight and sleep in a proper bed.” 

“You sure?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I’m sure.” Finn pushed himself up, turning to help her stand. 

“Might be nice for you to spend time here, it’s been so many years.”

Finn looked down, wincing. “I can’t, especially since da wants to sell the house. It’d be too hard.” 

Rae placed a hand on his cheek, her palm warm against it. “Alright then.” 

They slowly descended the stairs. Finn left Rae by the front door as he made a final pass through the first floor, making sure the house was secured. When they stepped outside, he pulled the door closed and turned the key in the lock. Resting a hand on the red surface, he whispered to himself, “Bye, Nan.” Rae stood a few feet away, patiently waiting. He turned, taking her hand as he passed by. “Ready?”

“Whenever you are.” 

They returned to the car and Finn got in the driver’s side. Pulling out onto the street, he paused before deciding to turn right and take a detour down Ladies Mile. He smiled to himself as Rae looked at him as the car accelerated further away from the M5 that would take them to Croyde. “There’s somewhere a few minutes out of the way I want you to see.” 

She nodded, pulling his left hand from the wheel and holding it in hers. With her other hand, she picked up the iPod nestled in the center console. He saw the light from the screen illuminate her face in the shadows of trees as they passed. Rae clicked several times and set it down, leaning back. Morrissey’s familiar voice crooned from the stereo as [The Smith’s “There Is a Light That Never Goes Out”](http://darlingdiver.tumblr.com/post/99442970391/the-smiths-there-is-a-light-that-never-goes-out) played. 

_Take me out tonight_

_Oh take me anywhere, I don’t care_

_I don’t care, I don’t care_

_Driving in your car_

_I never never want to go home_

_Because I haven’t got one_

_No, I haven’t got one_

He pulled the car over on the North bank of Avon river next to the Clifton Suspension Bridge. Leaving the engine in idle, Finn motioned for Rae to get out. They crossed to the front of the car, Finn sat on the bonnet and pulled her to stand between his legs with arms wrapped around her shoulders. The impressive structure stretched out ahead of them, from the Clifton bank to Leigh Woods. Trees hugged the rocky cliffs dropping below and to the sides of the sloping structure, various shades of green bleeding into each other. Rae hung her hands on his forearms, chest rising and falling under the weight of them. Guitar riffs from [The Smith’s “How Soon is Now?”](http://darlingdiver.tumblr.com/post/99449494866/iron-pigs-the-smiths-how-soon-is-now-you) rang out from the car. Slowly, the last sunlight of the day disappeared over the horizon as Rae gently kissed Finn’s arm. 

_———————————————_

**Chapter Ten**

Finn woke up groggy, almost as if he had a hangover. They arrived in Croyde near ten the night before, falling into bed within half an hour of pulling into the drive at Archie’s family house.  _The drive was too long._  He rolled over, pulling a pillow over his head. Rae’s side of the bed was empty and he heard water running in the bathroom.  _What time is it?_ The sun was high and bright, but he couldn’t distinguish if it was late morning or early afternoon.  _I don’t want to know. I want to sleep more._ Stopping in Stoke Bishop simultaneously lead to a sense of relief and stress. He hadn’t planned to encounter memories of his Nan on the trip, but was thankful for how her presence bolstered intimacy with Rae. 

As his thoughts swirled, she came back into the room and plopped down on the bed next to him. “You awake under there?”

He continued burying his head between the pillows. “No.”  She lifted the top one up, peaking at him. Light filtered in on either side of her head, creating a subtle halo around her. Finn sighed, “Hi.”  

She smiled, returning the same breathy greeting, “Hi.” 

The smell of peppermint tickled his nose.  _She brushed her teeth._ “What time is it?”

Her cheek flinched. “Mmmm, nearly ten. Still early-ish. How you feeling after yesterday?”

Finn focused on her eyes, which had creased around the corners from smiling. The longer they looked at each other the bigger her smile grew. It was infectious, causing him to match her expression. “Better.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He pushed the pillow off his head before reaching over and pulling her towards him. Finn kissed various parts of her face, traveling from one side to the other. Forehead, eyelids, cheeks, nose, jaw, until he reached her lips. Before settling his against hers, Finn put just enough distance between them to meet her eyes again. “Thank you for being patient.” 

She wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling him into her further. “Of course, just like you’re patient with me. It’s what we do.”

“Not everyone does though. I never want to take what we have for granted.” 

Rae nodded slightly, pushing her forehead against his. “Me neither, dickhead.”

Finn closed the distance between their lips, the heat of her mouth mixing with his. Rae’s hands slid under the waistband of his boxers and over the curve of his arse, sending a chill up Finn’s spine. His body instinctively shifted forward, pressing into hers. Rae slid her right leg over his hip, while his left pushed between her thighs. Finn’s hands moved under the hem of her shirt, sliding along her skin.  _Soft._

His mind buzzed with electricity when he touched Rae, neurons firing and scattering thoughts. He only captured fragments as her body moved like an ocean: hair falling over his face, wafting back and forth as he breathed; soft parts of her rolling and rocking against him; the saltiness of her skin as he bit down on her shoulder; fingertips pushing far enough into him that her short nails made contact; the way she sharply inhaled and exhaled in gasps.

He stopped for a beat, staring at her. “You ok…”

She cut him off, “A thousand fucks  _yes._ ”

The desire in her voice caused his blood to rush. Finn hurriedly pressed his mouth against hers, sucking aggressively on her bottom lip. He pushed himself up, swiftly standing and tucking his hands under her knees. In an adept motion he pulled her to the edge of the mattress. Rae wriggled in response to his touch, a mixed laugh and moan emanating from her throat, “Holy Lord Jesus Christ! Fuck.” 

Over the years, he learned to be intentional, touching her in ways she liked, reveling in the movements of her body, and enjoying the involuntary noises she made, all while loosing himself in the contact. The biggest surprise to Finn was how counter-intuitive sex was with Rae. When they first met, Finn’s experiences fostered a belief that sex was the most exciting at the beginning of a relationship. Their years together proved him wrong though. He knew now how haphazard the experience had been for him before her. Physically encountering and indulging in each other got richer as the years past, they trusted, and learned to be more in tune with each other. Pregnancy may have influenced the semantics of sex, challenging Finn at times, but proved a welcome adventure between them mixed with laughter, urgency, experimentation, awkwardness and pleasure. He savored all these as hallmarks of their physical connection, knowing it would continue to evolve just as they would through the years. 

The curves of Rae’s body were supple beneath Finn’s hands as his eyes took in her figure, breasts swaying in time with him, a bright flush of red stretching from her chest to face, eyes closed as she bit her lower lip. Her hands reached out for him, grasping at the air just before opening her eyes to find him. His heart was already racing, but looking into her eyes made it skip a beat. Minutes later was never enough time, Finn wanted to stay in rhythm with her longer. Inevitably his body betrayed the desire though as her whimpers subsided and he collapsed on the bed next to her. The two stared at the ceiling as their breathing returned to normal, legs bent over the side of the bed. 

Rae lazily patted Finn’s chest with the hand next to him, leaving it draped over his torso. “Loving your work.”

He laughed, “If you’re going to start using that to cheer for kids at a footie game, you can’t say it to me in the bedroom anymore.” He picked his legs up, draping them over hers. “Things have fucking changed since the first time we had sex in this room.” 

“Thank God for that. That first time I was so worried about how to even go about asking for sex again, let alone how to enjoy it. High five for getting past  _that_  phase.” 

The two met palms in a loud clap above their chests. Finn rolled his head towards Rae, kissing her cheek. “Cheers m’dear.” 

“I’m starving. Let’s see if there’s anything to eat in this house.” 

The two got out of bed, pulled on clothes and ventured downstairs. The light of late morning filtered through the windows, illuminating different angles of the house. In many ways, Archie’s family home in Croyde became a semi-permanent second residence for Finn and Rae. They spent multiple summers there, also coming at different points of the off season to get away from London and spend time with Chop and Izzy’s family. The guest room occupied by Finn his first two summers in town permanently turned into their room, Archie’s family adopting them both. They grew up as a couple in this house as much as in London. 

Finn jumped up to sit on the kitchen counter, watching Rae open cabinets and eventually moving to the refrigerator. She stared at it listlessly. “We have to go to the grocery.” 

“Figured, it’s been a few months since we were here for the baptism. Besides, Archer cleans out before he leaves. He’s a better child than we are.” 

“But I’m hungry  _now_.” She turned giving him a scrutinizing glare. “Aren’t you?”

He shrugged. “Meh, I could eat but I’ll live for a while.” 

“Of course you will, prick.” She rolled her eyes. “I have this leach feeding off me.” She roughly poked her abdomen, dropping her head and talking directly to it. “Oi, you awake in there?”

“Hey, don’t be so aggressive with the lad.” 

“Are you kidding me? Feel this…” She situated herself between his legs, offering her stomach to him. 

Finn poked the side of it with his index finger. Her muscles were ridged and didn’t provide much give anymore. “Shit, does it hurt?” 

“No, I’ve noticed it more recently though.”

He shook his head. “Weird.”

Rae looked at him, her eyes wide. “It’s all really  _fucking_  weird.” She put her hands on Finn’s shoulders. “I need to eat, so I’m going to swing by May Cot and get a scone and tea first. Then, I’ll make a stop at the grocery to get supplies for the next few days. Why don’t you take a walk down to Heart. Since it’s monday morning Kester should be around.”

“I’m hesitant to let you alone in a grocery, remember what happened last time?”

She smiled. “I’ll be fine, promise.” 

He gave her a doubtful look. “Alright, girl.” 

****

After a shower and change of clothes, Rae was first to leave the house. Finn stood in the doorway waving as she pulled back from the drive. It was sunny and cool, a hint of salt in the air from the ocean.  _I miss everything about stepping outside here._ She rolled the windows down as she stopped at the intersection of Sandy Way and Hobb’s Hill. Cars passed in front of her, locals going about their daily routines at the start of the new week. As she checked to the left before turning, Rae saw a mum in the distance with two kids in a stroller heading towards her.  _That could be us._ She clicked on the radio dial to Heart’s 97.0 frequency, a commercial blared through the car causing her to wince. She rotated the knob down while whispering to herself, “For fuck’s sake.” Rae checked the road one more time each direction and turned the car left, headed toward the center of town. 

The commercial faded out and Danny’s voice took over the soundwaves, “That was another rousing endorsement from one of our sponsors. It’s a bright day in Croyde, getting close to the lunch hour. Are you thinking about what to eat yet?” 

Rae couldn’t help but smile as she talked to the speakers, “Hi, Danny.” 

Danny’s voice continued, “Next up, we’ve got [‘Falling Down’ by Oasis](http://darlingdiver.tumblr.com/post/99665942416/just-try-to-survive-falling-down-oasis) from their 2008 release ‘Dig Out Your Soul’.” Seconds later, rhythmic drums took over. 

_The summer sun, it blows my mind_

_Is falling down on all that I’ve ever known_

_Time will kiss the world goodbye_

_Falling down on all that I’ve ever known_

_Is all that I’ve ever known_

The song was still playing when she turned right on St. Mary’s Rd. May Cot was nestled into it’s well-worn storefront on the left. She pulled over, parking next to the pavement and waiting for Noel to finish singing. Rae’s stomach audibly grumbled. She patted the top of her abdomen. “Alright then.” Switching off the car, she climbed out and paused to let a car pass before crossing the road. She could smell baked goods from outside the shop and her mouth watered.  _God it’s good to be back._

****

Finn left five minutes after Rae, plodding down the road. As he passed Chloe’s house, he gave a reverent nod to the bedroom window where he’d seen her dancing the first time. The sun was high, but a distinct chill hung in the air. Finn popped the collar on his leather jacket in an attempt to block the breeze from his neck. Ambient sounds of the occasional car passing mixed with wind, trees and birds around him as he turned right towards the Heart offices. His heels hit the pavement hard, adding a dull thud every second. A woman with a stroller was a few steps ahead of him. Finn quickly passed her, glancing down at the two children strapped into the contraption. They were fighting over a toy, pulling it back and forth between them.  _Kid. Kids. I say ‘kids’ too often, we haven’t even talked about having more than one. Shit, we need to settle on a name for the one coming. Soon._

He refocused on the ground passing underneath his feet.  _William, Matthew, John, Liam, Ethan, Noel, Tim, Simon, Ian…bloody hell, now I’m just naming lads in bands._ Finn shook his head, looking up to the familiar Heart sign ahead. He checked the street before crossing, then made his way across the small car park. As he reached down to pull open the class door, the metal handle shocked him. Finn pulled his hand back sharply. “Fuck!” 

A familiar voice called from close behind, “Electricity in the air today.” Finn looked over his shoulder, eyeing Kester as he strolled to the front of the offices with a large brew in his hand. His old boss welcomed him with a wide grin. “Didn’t think I’d be seeing you so soon after your last trip.” 

Finn pursed his lips and shook his head motioning to the cup in his hand. “Apparently I need to visit more often to keep you in check old man, especially if you’re just now making it into the office.” 

Kester reached past him, pulling open the door. “This is my third one. Started at six. Just because you sleep in doesn’t mean the rest of us aren’t up and busy. Besides, shouldn’t you be in London working?” 

****

Rae examined the assorted cookies and scones piled in the glass case. A pert girl stood behind the counter waiting for her to decide. “That one’s blueberry and we have a ginger scone coming out of the oven now.” 

_Should get something for now and for us tomorrow morning, maybe a sweet for tonight._ Rae straightened to look at her. “Thanks. Um, I’ll take four blueberry and two of the cookies.” She pointed to a double-chocolate cookie in the middle row. “Add an Earl Grey tea too, please.” 

The attendant busied herself packing the baked goods and steeping the tea. Rae interrupted her, “Is Ms. Dewhurst here?”

“She’s in the back.” 

“Can you get her?”

The girl looked at Rae skeptically. “Sure. Does she know you?”

Rae smiled. “Yeah, tell her Rae dropped by to visit.” 

She nodded, disappearing behind a door leading to the back of the shop. A minute later, she reappeared with Ms. Dewhurst in tow. The attendant returned to her tasks completing Rae’s order, while Ms. Dewhurst exuberantly held her arms out. “You’re back so soon! What an unexpected surprise that makes my day!” She wrapped herself around Rae in a secure hug. 

Rae returned the gesture. “We came back to see Izzy and the family before our little one comes, so of course that meant a stop to see you.” 

From her first summer in Croyde, Rae made it a habit to stop into May Cot on a regular basis and visit with Ms. Dewhurst whenever she could. She originally assumed the elderly woman worked at the shop in her spare time, but eventually learned she was the proprietor. Ms. Dewhurst opened the tea shop after her husband died in the mid-90s and quickly became a business fixture in the town she had lived in over half her life. It gave Rae a sense of consistency knowing the same welcoming face would be there with each trip. Over the years, Rae sought advice and enjoyed sharing anecdotes about life with her.

Ms. Dewhurst took a step back, examining Rae. “Look at you. That baby’s bound to come any second by the look of you!” 

“Hopefully  _not_ , my saving grace right now is that we still have more time.” 

Ms. Dewhurst pulled her hand towards a table, urging her to sit. “How is that adorable lad of yours?”

“Good. We’re both good, just wearing thin in London. We’re looking to move somewhere else so we’ve been visiting friends the past week. Last stop is here with Izzy and Chop.” 

“Well, you already know what a perfect town we have here. Why haven’t you packed your bags yet?”

“Lots of things to consider, not just where we want to raise a child but it’s a big decision to think about where we’ll both be happy too. I don’t know that we’ll get an opportunity with choices like this again. We started this process thinking it would be easy, but I’m getting the idea that it’s not as simple as moving here or there. I want us to do what’s best for all our lives.” Rae put a hand on her stomach. 

“You will.” Ms. Dewhurst patted Rae’s other hand resting on the table. 

“How did you and your husband end up in Croyde?”

The elderly woman smiled. “It was after the war and we had family here, so it was an easy choice.” 

The attendant came over, gently placing Rae’s order in front of her and giving Ms. Dewhurst a slight nod. “How long were you two married again?”

“Oh goodness.” She considered. “He died in 1995 and we married right before he went off to fight in ’39, so near fifty-six years.” 

“Finn and I have been together ten. How do we get to fifty-six? That seems like such a long way off and loads can go wrong.”

“Oh, dear. Hell if I know.” Mrs. Dewhurst laughed, “Take it a day at a time.” 

Rae gave her a teasing grin. “That’s bullshit.” 

“Well, sort of. It’s more complicated than that, but the reality is you still take it a day at a time, a problem at a time, and the good with the bad. What makes it work is different for every couple. The one thing I know is that for one reason or another everyone leaves, whether it’s voluntary or involuntary. When my husband died, he was tired and ready to go but it didn’t change the fact that I wasn’t ready for him to leave. Even though I’ve been alone all these years, I’m better off because I knew him for so many. The best thing a couple can do is to spend whatever time they have together making each other better for when the time comes that they’re not together anymore. Regardless of whatever eventually pulls people apart, take it a day at a time and love each other.” She squeezed Rae’s hand. 

“We’ll try.” 

Mrs. Dewhurst teased her, “Don’t try dammit,  _do it_.” 

Rae laughed, “Point taken.” 

****

Finn finished catching up with Danny in the break room, refilling his coffee mug before grabbing a pastry and returning to Kester’s office. Heart had gone through a major remodel in the past few years. A new glass partition separating the reception area from the open office space. The original desks had been replaced with sleek Ikea tabletops, each with an iMac centered and the occasional personal items scattered around. The carpet was a bright industrial blue, spanning across the space like a blanket of water. It had become an environment where the clicking of keyboards replaced the shuffling of papers. The radio booth was upgraded and brighter than when Finn was an intern. He shook his head, rounding the doorframe and sitting across from Kester, who had settled behind his desk, now studying the monitor. “Bloody computer!” 

Finn laughed. “Still trying to figure it out old man?”

Kester looked up. “Don’t push your luck, I’ll kick you out of here.” 

“Sure you will.” 

“So, where’s Rae?”

“Off at the shops for supplies, we’re only in town for two days this time so just need enough in the house to keep us alive. She’ll visit before we leave though to catch-up with you. Figured the two of us together might be too much for you to handle.”

“Oh right, you two are trouble.” He sat back, studying Finn. “So why you back in town so soon after the christening? Figured I wouldn’t have the pleasure of your company again until the holidays.” 

Finn shrugged. “Kid is due in a few months. We decided it would be a good time to get out of London, spend time visiting friends and family.” 

Kester gave him a doubtful look. “Really?” 

He studied the cup in his hand, dark liquid swaying gently just below the rim with the movement of his hand. “Rae has it in her head we should move, leave London. We both work like mad and barely live in a flat big enough for us, let alone a baby. I get her point, but my whole life has been about being in London. I can’t decide if leaving now means I failed or gave up.” 

“Your whole life has been about being in London. What about her life?” 

“You know I meant  _our_  life.”

Kester raised his eyebrows. “Did you? There was lots about you at the end of what you said - ‘I failed or gave up’, ‘my whole life about being in London’.” 

“Come on, don’t make something out of nothing.” 

Kester cocked his head to the side. “Mmmm. We say things for a reason.” 

Finn rolled his eyes before changing the subject, “She  _finally_  agreed to marry me.” 

Kester’s mouth dropped open. “Congratuations! Thought that would never happen.”

“Thanks.” Finn suppressed a smile, looking down to the mug. 

“That’s mattered to you for a long time, hasn’t it? Kind of like building a life in London?”

“Of course, I mean…well, I guess. Should it not?”

“Don’t look at me, it’s not my life - it’s yours.” 

“Piss off.” Finn leaned further back in the chair, pushing his shoulders down and stretching before taking a mouthful of the warm coffee. As he swallowed, Finn narrowed his eyes curiously at Kester. “Seriously though, why did you leave London? Was it when your marriage ended?”

Kester slowly exhaled, pursing his lips. “That was a million years and miles ago.” 

“Still interesting though. You’ve intimated you two split up because she wanted to live somewhere else, but it couldn’t have been that simple.” 

“Little things piled up and we found ourselves at an impasse. I was set on moving here and setting up a quiet life, she hated the idea. I stopped listening and not long after she stopped talking. We both shut down. Anyway, one bad moment on top of another and next thing I knew I was moving here by myself. Big cities are great, just don’t loose yourself in all the noise. I lost her to it.” 

“Do you regret it?”

“Can’t say I do. I loved her, but it stopped working. I think it was helpful to realize how I contributed to it, take ownership of my role, but there was no undoing the damage between us.” 

“Could it have been different?”

“Finn, it can always be different. Choices should be intentional, it’s the listening and sharing that makes it work. Marriage is a choice, just like living together or having a child. Everything has consequences and benefits. You decide to do it with the other person because it means something of similar value to both of you. Otherwise, what’s the point?”

Finn sat, contemplating Kester’s words. “Getting married was all I have left to give Rae. I gave her my heart, my life, my love, all the intangible things I could think to give her years ago. Putting it on paper, having it on record, signing my name to her makes me feel like every part of my being belongs to her. I know it’s not true, everything I have is already hers. I just don’t want there to ever be a question of how committed I am to our family. Her dad left, I never want her to think that will be me.” 

“Sounds like you have a good idea of why you value it. Do you know why she agreed to marry you after all these years?” 

“Assumed it was for the same reasons.” 

“Have you asked her?”

“No.” 

“Might be an interesting answer you get from her if you ask. Marriage itself doesn’t keep a relationship stable, it’s the people  _in_  it that keep marriage stable. Does that even make sense?”

Finn nodded. “I think so.”  

“Lad, you’re both in each other’s lives for the duration regardless of what happens in your relationship because of the kid. That’s a bigger commitment than anything else. Half of you has been growing in that lass for months now. That’s trust and commitment even if people don’t say it.” He paused, motioning toward the office space outside his door. “Why do you think I never had kids? To easy to fuck things up. Just look at the job I do with you interns. We’re all lucky you lot get out of here alive and productive. At least you feed yourselves.” 

“Barely.” Finn laughed. 

“Where you live, what house you have, car you drive…they’re all details Finn, albeit ones that make life easier or harder. If you trust, love and are really present for each other, I have faith whatever you two decide will be the best path.” 

Finn nodded, pursing his lips. “Thanks.”

Kester joked, “Cheer the fuck up, you’re getting married!” He raised the coffee on his desk toward Finn. “Now, what else brings you here. Ready for me to fire Danny so I can give you his radio spot? If that’ll convince you to move to town then I can make it happen.” 

Finn laughed, “I think we would work something out without axing Danny if the time ever came.” 

****

Rae was busy unpacking groceries in the kitchen when Finn opened the front door, pounding his boots on the outside mat before coming into the house. She had a plastic bag full of grapes in her hand as his footsteps thudded into the room. She faced away from him towards the refrigerator and spoke, “You must have had a good chat, been gone several hours.” 

“Rae, we need to talk.” 

_Shit, what now?_ She stood, turning toward him. 

Finn leaned against the opposite end of the tiled island across from her. He looked down, she assumed studying the grout. “Kester offered me a senior producing job.” 

Rae raised her eyebrows. “Shit.”

Finn lifted his eyes to her face. “He’s serious about it too.” 

Her hands fell limply as she stared aimlessly over his shoulder. “Fuck me.” Finn exhaling a weak laugh drew her attention back. “I mean, congratulations. It’s wonderful news, isn’t it?”

He furrowed his brows inward. “Is it?”

“Is there a reason it wouldn’t be?” She intentionally kept her tone upbeat.  _Could we live here year round?_

Finn leveled his gaze on her, face sober. “Be honest, we never  _actually_  thought Croyde would be where we decided to move…did we? I just assumed it was on our travel list because we couldn’t get away with seeing everyone and not taking time to spend with Izzy and Chop.” 

“This  _could_  be our home. It would be foolish to turn down a job at a station you love without really considering it, yeah?”  _If this is a good opportunity for him, we’ll take it a day at a time. We can make it work here, right?_ Rae’s eyes darted from one end of the room to another, as if she was attempting to take stock of their options in the confines of the static space.

“Mumbles, what you saying over there?”

Rae clenched her eyes closed before opening them to focus on him again.  _Get a fucking grip. Be supportive._  “Nothing.”

“Liar. You’re freaking out at the thought of moving to Croyde, aren’t you?”

“Um, I…” She twisted her mouth sideways, trying to find the right words.

“Fucking hell, you were the one who started this whole trip but it scares the shit out of you when the reality of moving hits. That’s it, isn’t it?”

“I, ummm…”  _Calm down._  Rae sensed her breathing speed up and face flush red.  _He can read me like a fucking book._

“Sit down, Rae.” Finn crossed the kitchen, ushering her to a chair at the table.

“I’m trying to picture us living here…all the time.” 

He sat across from her. “We’d go mad.” 

Rae was relieved to hear him say those words, her entire face relaxing. She opened her eyes wide and cocked her head towards him. “Right?”

“I can’t just turn him down flat, Kester has been so good to both of us and he’s a brilliant mentor and contact in the industry. I just, I think if we move here now, this will be a dead end. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing, but it seems like there is so much ahead of us that I don’t want to start somewhere new that’s not  _new_. Does that make sense?” 

She reached across the table, grabbing a hand he had rested there. “God, yes! I never want to hold you back, so if this is something you really want, then we could figure it out. I love it here, this is where we met, where we built amazing memories, where we’ll bring our kids, but I can’t imagine this being our  _home_. Doesn’t it seem the same as moving back to Stamford?” 

Finn’s shoulders relaxed. “I love you.” 

Rae burst into laughter, unable to reconcile his response. “Where did that come from?”

“The fact we’re on the same page even without talking…” He shook his head, dropping it towards the table before raising it to her again with a beaming grin. “You’re my bandmate for better or worse. I couldn’t ask for more.” 

She nodded towards him before standing. “Better write that down for your vows, bloody good one.” Rae quickly returned her attention to unpacking the last of the groceries. “Run upstairs and get ready for dinner, Izzy and Chop are expecting us over soon. I called over to them when I got back from the grocery, they were chuffed we made it into town earlier than expected.” 

Finn spoke from behind her, “Uh, Rae…” 

“Go on! Let me finish with this and change. We’ll be ready to go in twenty minutes, unless you need more time. We’re not in town for long, so we need to make the most of it.” 

“No, I don’t need more time. I just, um, we need to…” 

Rae turned to him, irritated by how he continued stumbling over words after they communicated seamlessly moments before. “If you’ve got something to say, say it.”  

He pursed his lips. “Nah, it can wait.” 

****

Finn jogged up the stairs, chewing on the inside of his cheek.  _We need to talk about getting married. I don’t want to wait, but I don’t want to just come out and say it. Is she giving up and doing it because I badgered her for so long?_ He scratched the back of his neck before grabbing the collar of his shirt and pulling it over his head in a swift motion. The back of his hair stuck up on the crown of his head. Finn instinctively raised his hand and smoothed it with a swift motion. Tossing the white t-shirt across the room into a red armchair, he pushed open his suitcase and blankly stared at the clothes.  _Does it even matter to her if we get married? I want us to agree on it like we just did downstairs. It seems too important to compromise on because it matters to me and not her. We shouldn’t get married, right? I love her too much to throw how good things are away just for a piece of paper. Maybe that’s the way she feels too, just doing the opposite by giving me the piece of paper. I wanted this for so long, why aren’t I just happy about it the same was I was a day ago?_ Finn shifted his weight from one side to another. 

Rae breezed into the room, slapping him on the shoulder. “Come on, dickhead.” 

He absentmindedly responded, “Yeah.” 

She called to him from the mirror a few feet away where she was freshening her make-up, dabbing a large, round brush in a pot of pink-tinted powder. “Oi, you!” 

Finn inhaled sharply. “What?”

“You’re acting weird again. What’s up?”

His mind formulated an answer before words could be filtered. As they came out of his mouth, Finn was horrified. “We shouldn’t get married.” It was like watching a video he couldn’t rewind.

Rae stopped mid-brush stroke across her cheek, staring at him as if he’d just told her someone died. “What did you say?”

_———————————————_

**Chapter Eleven**

Finn held her gaze, the silence around them charged with uncertainty.  _I should take it back._ His mind produced the declarative statement so quickly, then his mouth threw it into the world without allowing a moment to consider content versus intention.  _Shit. SAY SOMETHING._  The words “shouldn’t” and “married” hung in the air, paralyzing him.  _What did I just do?_

Rae set down the brush in her hand and stood, slowly closing the distance between them with a cautious but playful look in her eye. “Say it again.” 

He shook his head, eyes wide.  _Say something you idiot. No, you’ll make it worse._

“We agreed to get married to the soundtrack of Archie and Brian’s lovemaking after  _years_  of disagreeing on the subject. We celebrated by having fantastic sex multiple times on a tiled kitchen floor. By the way, my tailbone and knees are  _still_  sore, thank you for asking.” She turned her head slightly, narrowing her eyes and looking at him sideways. “I’m pretty sure all of that was consensual, what changed?”

“I, um, it’s just…” Finn stumbled over words again, simultaneously wanting to take what he had said back and produce something new to make her understand the flurry of thoughts in his head.  _You’re a complete fuck-up._  

Rae reached out, taking one of his nipples between her thumb and forefinger, twisting it gently. 

“Ouch!” He jumped way, swatting her hand. 

She laughed at his physical response, teasing him, “Tell me, because I don’t think you meant it, just like I say daft things at moments. The first time I tried to break up with you downstairs comes to mind.” 

_Whatever comes out comes out. SAY ANYTHING._ “I didn’t mean it, I promise. After talking to Kester, I got worked up you have wanted to get married only because it mattered to me. Instead of asking you, my brain vomited  _that_  out.” 

“I see, so does Kester not want us to get married?”

“No, no, he’s happy for us. We got on the topic of marriage and he said something about making sure it mattered to both of us. It’s important to me you don’t agree just because I’ve asked you. I want us to get married because it’s what you want too.” 

“You almost gave me a heart attack! If that’s all it is, then thank you for being concerned but I’ve never been more sure of agreeing to something. I know you don’t like the version of the story where I asked you, but I think it’s important you remember that  _did_  happen. Also never forget, sometimes you say the stupid things.” 

“True.” He bit his bottom lip before brushing his tongue across the top one. 

“Don’t even start that, I’ll chew your lips off your face if you don’t stop looking like a lost puppy. I might have been out of commission in the sex department for a month or two, but not any more.” 

Finn chuckled. “Good to know.”  _Well done, knobhead._ He stared at her intently. “I’m sorry I said that before, my mind was all over the place and I should have said a hundred different things.”

She put a palm to his cheek. “Love, neither of us has a history of saying exactly the right thing at the right time or even knowing what we mean.” 

“Let’s add another vow to the list - we’ll ask each other to clarify before we get angry. Deal?”

“Deal. While we’re on delicate subjects, I have another thought on moving.” 

_You just got lucky, fuckwit._ He turned, distracted by thoughts and sifted through shirts in his suitcase. “What’s that?”

“Um, Finn, can you sit?” She pulled his shoulder, gesturing for him to sit in the armchair where his shirt landed earlier. 

He obliged, scratching his bicep as she followed him, sitting on the corner of the bed facing him. “I’m glad we agree Croyde isn’t where we should live. I think it’s pretty obvious Paris isn’t it either.”

“Yeah.”  _Thank God she wasn’t keen on living near Chloe._

“Do you want to stay in London?” 

“How do you mean?”

“I don’t want to force you to move, the same way you don’t want to force me to get married. I think it should be something we agree is right together. I’ll support you if a job is right in one place over another, and if London is that place because the team you’re on already is the right thing, well then we should stay in London. You’re my rock, Finn. You’re good at swallowing opinions, but I don’t want you to do that. You have encouraged me to be open and honest with you throughout our relationship, I hope I’ve done the same. I want it to be intentional though, I don’t want to assume you need the change too just because you’re going along with it.”

Finn became distracted watching Rae talk.  _God, she’s pretty._ He smiled. “We should move to Aberdeen.” 

“What? Wait, that’s not what I said.” 

“Process of elimination, Rae. We’re not moving to Paris or Croyde, and I love London but we can hardly distinguish one day from another there. I figure life will be like that to one degree or another, but we should at least be somewhere we can enjoy everyday for what it is the most.”

“Really?”

He offered her a confident smile. “Really.” 

She shifted her head to the side, looking at him intently. “You think that’s Aberdeen?”  

“Where else would it be? Besides, having Arch and the family so close would be brilliant. I mean, Emerson is going to be old enough soon that he could babysit for us. Kind of a good deal.” 

Rae slowly nodded. “True. You can’t think of anywhere else you’d want to live though?”

“Where else would there be?” He stood, returning to his suitcase before she could answer.

“Ok.” 

He watched Rae pass him on her way to the mirror, finishing the movement of make-up brushes over her face. As she used intentional strokes, Finn interpreted it as an act of caring for herself which sent a shiver went up his spine as if she was massaging his head. He smiled to himself before pulling a grey jumper from beneath the jumbled pile of clothes.  _I hope our kids watch her get ready and see a woman who loves herself, because she’s amazing._

****

Half an hour later, the couple stood in the cool evening outside Chop and Izzy’s house. Rae’s mouth moved from one side to the other as she shot Finn a hesitant glance. He rang the bell moments before, which was met by loud yelling on the other side of the door. Mixed voices of children and adults continued, making the content inaudible. She couldn’t tell if they were fighting or excited.

Finn leaned toward her whispering, “Do I ring again?”

“I’m pretty sure they heard. Maybe we wait?” She raised her eyebrows at him to accentuate the question.  _I don’t want us to yell like that in our house ever._

The door abruptly swung open. Chop stood on the other side, a toothy grin spread from ear-to-ear. “About  _fucking_  time! Been trying to keep these little bastards inline waiting for dinner until you got here.” He stepped back, ushering them in. 

Rae pushed a palm against his shoulder, teasing him. “Nice to see you too, Chop.” 

He wrapped her up in his arms before she could resist. “Look at you! You’re not the daddy anymore, you’re going to be the mommy with that gut.” 

Finn protested from behind her. “Watch it, mate.” 

Chop moved to Finn, giving his friend a brief hug. “She knows I’m only joking.” 

Izzy appeared from the kitchen, which was situated directly behind the staircase in front of the door. She popped Chop on the arm. “Joke or not, you don’t say insensitive things to a pregnant woman.” The fiery ginger wrapped Rae in a hug, her tiny unassuming stature concealing a firm grip. “Come on, the boys are playing in the back garden.” 

The foursome passed through the house, the first floor a compact configuration of a living room on the right, connected to an eating area next to the kitchen behind the stairs. It seemed small for a family of five, but Rae knew the space was exactly what Izzy and Chop wanted. You could hear everyone in the house, and it seemed like no one was ever out of reach of each other. She imagined they would move somewhere bigger when the kids got older, but knowing Chop he might force the boys to share a room until they moved away just to teach them the importance of family. Shrieks came from the garden, Arnie and Conner running in circles chasing each other. Rae couldn’t tell who was chasing who, but their laughter suggested it didn’t matter. She watched their figures appear and disappear in a circular motion, like a carousel. Chop pulled the sliding glass door from the kitchen to the garden open, stepping one foot outside and leaning against the frame. “Boys, your godparents are here!” Their trajectory continued, undisturbed by their father’s announcement. “Boys!” Their feet stopped and faces turned. Arnie, who was almost six, had bright red hair like his mum with Chop’s beaming grin. Conner, who was three, had transitioned from looking like a baby to a little boy. The ginger gene skipped him, but Izzy’s bright eyes made it impossible to mistake him as anyone else’s child. From behind them, Rae heard a gurgling sound and turned to see Izzy with Clementine in her arms. 

She instinctively held out her hands. “Give her to me.”

Clementine was all Izzy, red hair and cheerful features. Even as an infant, Rae could tell the little girl would grow into the spitting image of her mother. She smiled as the little girl cooed in her lap. “Clem, you’re so lucky that you look nothing like your da. It’s like you only belong to your mum.” 

Chop shifted his attention to her. “Hey!” 

Finn was pulling beers out of the fridge when he joined the exchange, “You can’t say she’s _wrong_.”  

Izzy ferried plates and food from the kitchen to the table. “God, yes. Could you imagine a female Chop? It’s a horrifying thought.” She paused, placing a hand on his shoulder as she passed him. “I love you, but you know she’s right.” 

Chop sulked, “I know, I’d just enjoy  _someone_  saying she looks even the slightest bit like me.” 

Finn consoled his friend with a slight head nod as he placed the beers on the table, “Never gonna happen, mate. Think of it this way though, she’ll be better off and so will you for not having a daughter with your miserable mug.” 

The boys pushed past their father’s legs, rushing to the table. Izzy put her hands in the air. “Stop! Wash your hands, then say hello to your godparents.” They hesitated before following orders. Arnie led the way, ushering Conner to the sink and making sure he did a thorough job cleaning his fingers. They returned, approaching Finn first and giving him a gentle hug. 

Then they proceeded to Rae. She messed each of their hair with her free hand, while the other stayed snugly around Clementine. “I think we interrupted your play time.” The boys giggled and ran off to their respective places at the table. 

Izzy shrugged as she sat. “I don’t know what this phase is they’re in now, it’s like no adults exist. Sorry, they really are excited to see you.” 

Finn smiled across the table from Rae. “No worries, last year Arnie refused to sit anywhere except my lap when we visited so it’s only fair that he try the other approach of ignoring me.” 

Everyone settled in their chairs, Chop and Izzy at each respective end. The boys sat on either side of Chop, while Finn and Rae sat next to Izzy at the rectangular table. Rae ran her hand over the wood, marveling at the rustic feel and construction of it. “When did you get this? I don’t remember it from the last time we had dinner.” 

Chop’s mouth opened in a wide grin, his gap-toothed smile barely containing his pride. “I made it.” 

Finn looked at him with disbelief. “You what?”

Chop repeated himself, “I made it. I’m a cobbler.” 

Rae glanced at Izzy, who rolled her eyes. “It’s not a cobbler, that’s someone who makes shoes.” 

He waved her off with a hand. “Whatever! I took up building furniture as a hobby, it’s something the boys and I can do together.” He jokingly poked at Arnie. “You boys like da’s big power tools, don’t ya?”

“God help us all. Now, hand me your plates and I’ll serve.” Izzy held her hand out, palm up. One by one plates filled with casserole and vegetables. Dinner carried on with teasing conversation and laughter. When everyone was finished, the house quickly transitioned to cleaning up and putting the children down to bed. Rae and Izzy stayed in the kitchen, working through the pile of dishes and laughing. Clementine sat nearby in a baby swing, slowly drifting off. Izzy gave her a quick glance. “She’ll be ready to eat again soon.” 

Rae mindlessly commented, “Does it ever stop?”

“What?”

“Everybody needing you.” 

Izzy sighed contentedly, “It’s kind of my favorite part.” 

There was banging on the floor upstairs and the two women looked up.

****

Conner jumped on the floor while Chop sifted through the dresser for pajamas. He kept turning back and forth from the drawer to his youngest son holding out various designs of dinosaurs, monkeys, circus animals, and lions. With each pair he asked, “These?” Conner continued jumping, interspersed with answering a resounding, “No!” to each option. 

Finn heard them from the bathroom one door over, where he was busy supervising Arnie brushing his teeth. The boy took a swig of water before spitting it into the sink.  He flashed his teeth at Finn before declaring, “Clean.” 

He nodded in response, “Clean.” 

Arnie rushed past Finn and around the corner into the room he shared with Conner. Finn followed, pausing in the doorway and observing the scene between Chop and his son. “I don’t think you’re supposed to give him a choice. He’s winning the war on avoiding bed.” 

Chop sighed, leveling his attention on Finn. “Here I thought a girl would be the tough one, but as of now she’s the easiest of them all. These two are a handful.”

Finn scoffed, “If you’ve managed to keep these two alive for long enough, I think we’ve got a good chance.” He grabbed the lion pajamas from Chop’s hand, stepping towards Conner. “Alright, you’re wearing fierce lions tonight because  _you_  are a fierce lion.” He held them out to the little boy, who stared up with wide eyes before grabbing them, flopping down on his bed, and awkwardly pulling the pants over his feet. Finn watched him struggle for a moment before helping. “Don’t hurt yourself.” He turned one of the legs, making the foot hole more accessible and sliding it over the boy’s foot before repeating the exercise on the other side. Within a few minutes, he was saddled with reading both boys to sleep after they demanded his attention. The three piled into a bed with a picture book open on Finn’s lap. He stared at the drawings, eyeing the main character before starting. He shifted his gaze to Arnie. “This mouse looks like bad news.” 

Arnie giggled, looking at his brother. “He just wants a cookie!” 

Finn pursed his lips. “Let’s see about that.” He flipped the first page open.

****

Chop came downstairs looking like he lost a battle. Rae and Izzy had transitioned to the living room next to the staircase, sitting on the couch with tea and laughing. The bright red head looked up at her husband with a knowing shake of her head. “Please tell me they at least didn’t talk you into letting them sleep naked.” 

Chop flopped down in an armchair across from them. “No, Finn handled it.” 

Izzy continued, “You’ve  _got_  to learn how to put your foot down with those two boys. Otherwise I can never leave you in charge of them.” Izzy had a cover draped over her while Clementine breastfed. The baby adeptly pulled back the fabric at the sound of her father’s voice, her mouth smiling around Izzy’s nipple, who quickly pulled the cover over her again. “Clementine!” The baby thought it was a game. Rae could hear her laughing and her hand curled around the edge of the cover again, attempting to tug it back so she could see into the room while eating. Izzy rolled her eyes. “Seriously?”

Rae offered, “Iz, I don’t care. I have breasts, you don’t have to cover them for me.” 

Chop giggled. 

Izzy looked between them before addressing Rae, “You sure? Chop, can you be mature?”

Rae nodded and smiled. “I really don’t.” 

Chop nodded at the same time. “I promise, however I make no promises about our boy Finn.” He looked at Rae. “Has he even seen a woman breastfeed before?”

Izzy ignored his question, pulling the cover off over her head. “I swear, Rae the worst part is it’s like your body doesn’t belong to you anymore. I’m just a milk factory.” 

“Not true.” Chop smiled like a lovestruck teenager.

Rae raised her eyebrows before diverting her eyes toward the kitchen. “I’ll be back.” She stood, crossing the room and climbing the stairs. She silently reached the top, the carpeted floor padding her movements. On the small landing, she had a perfect view into the boys’ room. Finn sat, Arnie and Chop leaning into either side of him as he read. They pointed out pictures, exclaiming and engaging with him as the story progressed. Rae couldn’t help but beam. The picture was perfect.  _That’s what I want our house to be like. Talking and laughing._ She didn’t dare disturb him, turning around and rejoining Izzy and Chop downstairs. 

****

Finn quietly closed the door to the boys’ room, exhaling in the hallway.  _Two is a handful. Maybe just one is good._ He jogged down the stairs on his toes, the wood beneath the carpet slightly bouncing under his weight. When he reached the bottom and turned it took everything in him not to immediately run back up. Izzy sat directly in his eye-line breastfeeding Clementine.  _Do I look? No, don’t be a pervert. Wait, is it weird to not look? Is this like a feminist thing?_ He was extremely confused, almost causing him to pace back and forth. Rae called to him from beside Izzy, “Sit down. It’s just a tit, don’t be scared of it.” 

He trained his eyes on the floor, quickly finding the armchair next to Chop and sitting with his head down. 

Chop chided his friend, “Mate, are you ten? What’s wrong with you?”

Finn defensively answered as he raised his eyes to Rae, “No! Just attempting to be respectful.” Looking at her made it worse though, he could see Izzy from the corner of his eye and Rae was obviously holding back laughter. He quickly refocused on the floor. 

Izzy’s voice sternly cut through the air, “You two, stop giving him a hard time.” She turned her attention to Finn. “Does this seriously make you uncomfortable?” 

Finn shook his head, which had settled in the palm of his hand being propped up by the chair arm. “No, nope, not at all. Just want to give you your privacy, Iz.” 

“That’s very thoughtful.”

Chop snickered. Izzy snapped at him, “Stop it.” 

Finn glanced over at Chop, who’s mouth fell open just as he spoke, “What? Rae’s tits are going to be out all the time soon. Mate, better get used to it.” He leaned over to Finn. “It’s pretty great actually, fucking sexy as hell watching the woman you love give birth and then…” he pointed to Izzy. 

A pillow hit Chop in the side of the head just as Izzy joked, “Shut up.” 

He grabbed the pillow and threatened to throw it back at her before stuffing it down between his leg and the chair. “You’re lucky the baby’s in your arms, otherwise I’d chuck this back at you.” 

Rae laughed, “Oh God, you two are going to end up with five kids the way you carry on.”

Chop offered a broad smile. “Sounds about right.” 

Finn glanced at Izzy, allowing himself a second to take in her large breast partially obscured by Clementine’s head.  _Don’t look._  His eyes darted to Rae, who was watching him. When he realized, he chewed on the inside of his cheek and blushed. 

Izzy picked up at the end of Chop’s answer. “God, Rae. I just thought of it, if your tits are big now just wait until you start breastfeeding, they’re going to be bigger than boulders.” Finn laughed, causing Izzy to turn her attention to him. “You’ll be in heaven.” 

He rolled his eyes closed, pulling his lips together. Finn’s chest rose and fell in silent laughter before he spoke, “This conversation is  _so_  ridiculous.” 

Chop hit his arm. “But it’s true! No one talks like this before the baby because it makes them uncomfortable. If we can’t talk to you about it, who will? Rae, I bet your mum has given you _loads_  of inappropriate advice.” 

Rae’s tone made Finn laugh harder. “Don’t even get me started on that woman.” 

Izzy nudged Rae. “Well, you know we’re both here when you have questions. I love her, but I can’t imagine Chloe is the most forthcoming with gruesome details.” She shifted, then continued. “Ok, Finn. I’m covered, you’re safe.” 

He looked at her with a small, appreciative smile. 

Chop picked up the conversation where Izzy left off. “Speaking of us being here to help prep you, when are you moving to Croyde?” He looked at Finn, giving him an overdramatic wink. “You know you want us to be near to help out with that one.” He subtly pointed at Rae. 

Finn took the opportunity to make a joke to avoid the question, “It’s been ten years, so thank God I’ve figured out how to deal with her without help.” He shot a look at Rae as she picked up and threw the remaining throw pillow on the couch at him. He put his hands up in time to catch and lower it, revealing a smug grin. 

Chop ignored their banter. “For fuck’s sake, have you decided what to name it yet?”

Rae put a hand to her abdomen. “ _It_  is a he.” 

Izzy was in the midst of burping Clementine, but removed her hand from the baby’s back to clamp down on Rae’s arm. “What?! A boy? I  _knew_  it!” She looked at Chop, pulling her hand from Rae and pointing from her eyes to his with her index and middle finger. “I told you, baby. Am I good, or am I good?”

He slowly nodded. “You’re fucking good, lass.” 

Rae shot Finn a wide-eyed, questioning expression. Finn raised his shoulders.  _What the fuck was that?_  Izzy and Chop were having some sort of moment together, clearly they had a discussion about Rae and Finn’s baby.  _Why would they care?_  He watched their friends endearingly connect, celebrating some sort of victory he didn’t understand but was a part of it.  _I hope Rae and I look like this when we silently talk to each other, they’re pretty fucking perfect together._

Chop was the first to refocus on the last question asked. “Alright then, what’ll the lad’s name be then?” 

Finn surprised himself, bursting out an answer, “Timothy, maybe.”  _Why the fuck aren’t you thinking before you talk today?_

He glanced over at Rae, ready to apologize. She surprised him, patting her stomach and talking to it. “Did you hear that, Tim? Your da thinks he gets full vote, well…it only suits you if we agree on your full name, Timothy Damon Nelson.” 

She looked up, smiling at Finn. He nodded back at her with a full heart.  _Settled._  

Chop spoke up, “Bloody brilliant, sounds like a blues singer - Tim Dam Nelson.” 

Rae cut him off, “I’ll thank you very much to remember that our son will be in a rock band.” 

“Girl, it’s only right we support him no matter what type of music he wants to play…even a boy band.” Finn flinched as he said the last two words. 

Rae winced in response. “Don’t even suggest that.” 

“Well, that’s the name settled. So where will the three of you be living?” Izzy’s voice was soft and hopeful.

Finn looked at Rae, their eyes connecting for mere moments. She pulled her mouth sideways and dropped it to speak, but he cut her off.  _I got this, finally something I know I’ll get right._ “We decided on Aberdeen.” 

Chop didn’t miss a beat. “Are you kidding me? You didn’t even give us a chance!” 

Izzy added to his protest, “You two love Croyde, you’re already here several times a year. Our kids will be close in age, they would really be cousins!” 

Rae interrupted everyone, “Um, well…we haven’t  _exactly_  decided on Aberdeen.” 

Finn looked at her confused, tilting his head to the side and furrowing his brow. “What do you mean? Earlier I suggested Aberdeen and you said ‘ok’.” 

“I said that because the conversation ended, not because the topic was decided.” She shifted her focus to Izzy and Chop. “There are still some options we haven’t ruled out. But, we know for certain Croyde is going to be our second home, just not our primary one. Sorry, Iz.” She gave her friend a consoling half-smile. 

“I don’t…” Finn started, but stopped short.  _I’m so confused, where else does she mean?_  

The friends continued catching up into the evening, joking about work and children. It wasn’t until midnight that Finn and Rae finally said good night, exchanging hugs and promises to see Izzy and Chop before they left. Finn wanted to ask Rae where she meant when she said “options” earlier, but was too tired to revisit the subject.  _Today was supposed to be easy, but I mucked it up already. Leave it alone for now._ Within half an hour they were back at Archie’s house and settled into bed. 

****

Rae waited until Finn was asleep, pretending to read until she heard his breathing grow deep and slow. She crept out of bed, making her way downstairs with cell phone in hand. Sitting in the dark living room, she quickly clicked the only Stamford number saved in her phone. She’d wanted to make the call yesterday, but hadn’t been alone long enough to do it. Rae knew it was beyond late, but he wouldn’t mind. She held the phone up to her ear, turning down the volume so she could barely hear it herself. She glanced to the doorway, listening closely for any signs Finn was awake. 

After a few rings a man answered the call in a groggy voice, “Hello?”

“Hi!” Rae immediately lowered the volume of her voice and started again. “Hi, it’s Rae.” 

“Oh, hiya Rae. Is everything alright?” Finn’s da never failed to sound kind and concerned, making her feel the love of a father she’d never had before. 

“Yeah, I know you were asleep. Sorry to wake you. Can we talk for just a few about Nan’s house?” 

“Of course. Finn ringed to say everything looked good. Is something wrong?”

She hesitantly proceeded, “No, well…kind of. How serious are you about selling it?”

_———————————————_

**Chapter Twelve**

Rae was determined for her scheme with Finn’s da to remain a surprise. She convinced herself moving to Stoke Bishop was the right thing not just for their family, but for him in particular.  _We could live somewhere else, but why?_ Rae’s conversation with his father lasted close to an hour as she chronicled their trip, the stop at Nan’s house and her proposal for them to take over care of it. Quietly listening, eventually he admitted keeping it for so long with the hope Finn would want to live there someday. Rae cried with relief, quickly followed by announcing their engagement. He cried with her, overjoyed by the news. It wasn’t intentional, but at that moment he became the first person to know.  _I wouldn’t want it to be anyone else._ She made him promise to act surprised when Finn told him directly though.  _I would never want to take sharing that with his da from him._  

She barely slept after going back upstairs to bed and woke early, quietly calling Izzy from the kitchen and enlisting their family’s help to distract him while helping her prepare. Chop agreed to take the day off work so he could kidnap Finn to surf. It was late in the season, but not out of the question for them to get in a few hours with the other dedicated members of the local surfing community. While the kids were sent off to school, Izzy ran errands with Clementine in town to help. Rae wouldn’t need many items, only a few to bolster her confidence of the sell to Finn.

She paced in the kitchen, unable to decide if she was hungry, thirsty or merely anxious.  _This isn’t normal anxious though, this is good. Right?_  Rae hugged herself above the abdomen. “Tim, we have a home. An amazing home and your da is going to be chuffed…I might have outdone myself, I’ll never be able to top this.” 

She heard Finn’s footsteps on the stairs, he was coming her direction.  _Act normal. Nothing’s changed, it’s the same as yesterday._ She turned to face him just as he entered the kitchen, a broad grin plastered across her face. “Good morning!” 

“Hiya.” He shuffled towards her, rubbing his left eye with the palm of his hand. Finn’s boxers sat at a diagonal angle on his hips, while his hair stood up slightly in the back. He intentionally ran into her, gently bumping his chest into hers and resting his head on her shoulder. Rae ran her hand from the base of his neck to the hairline, moving her fingers in a circular motion to massage his scalp. He moaned before mumbling into her skin, “Drank too much.” 

Rae leaned her mouth towards him, resting her cheek on the side of his head. “I know. Do you need a brew?” 

“Yes, but only if I can drink it here.” His hands rested on either side of her pressing into the counter, making it impossible for her to reach the coffee.

“One of us has to move.” 

“Nope.” He shook his head, moving his lips across her skin before gently sucking on the side of her neck.

“You cheeky bastard.” Rae pushed him slightly, but he stayed firmly in place. “You’re not  _that_ pissed if you can stand straight.” 

He lifted his mouth from her skin momentarily. “I’m pissed enough.” Then he reattached his lips to the same spot, pulling on the skin more firmly with his mouth. 

Rae became flustered. “What you doing?”

Finn lifted his lips and stopped the movement of his mouth to answer her, “How long has it been since I gave you a proper hickey?” He returned to working the spot between his lips before she could answer, massaging the center with his tongue as skin pulled between his teeth.

“I don’t…know.” Rae lost focus, her mind buzzing with endorphins and hips pushing into him in response to the pressure on her neck and enjoyable pain.  _Shit, keep yourself standing._ He tugged at the loose pajama pants slung over her hips and below her abdomen. She put her hands on his. “Finn…”

Without warning, a loud car horn sounded from the driveway. She firmly pushed him away, nervously laughing. “That’s Chop.”

He knitted his brow together, leaning backwards slightly. “Chop?”

“Yeah, he called earlier, wants you two to surf for a few hours since we’re only here today then head back to London.” Rae offered him an eager smile. “You were talking about getting back on the water a few days ago, sounded like a good idea to me when he rang so I told him to come over.” 

Finn scrunched his nose, dropping his shoulders and looking disappointed. “The water will be like ice.” 

“Come on now, you’ll have fun. Iz said it’s been ages since Chop’s been out with anyone. It’d mean a lot to him.”

Finn focused on her, his eyes moving around the features of her face. “I thought you said before you talked to Chop.” 

“I did, I did…you know, Chop said or Iz said - it’s the same thing.” She shrugged, attempting to act nonchalant.  _Shit._  

“Mmmm.” Finn shifted his weight, looking out a window toward the driveway. “Only for an hour or two.”

“You boys have fun!” She pinched his cheek. “Also, you’re leaving the hickey work partially unfinished, so you owe me some nibbles after.” 

He leaned forward again, breathing warm air against her cheek. “That’s more than a promise, it’s a guarantee.” Finn gently kissed the spot on her neck tinted bright red, then whispered, “To be continued.” Distracted by the sensation, she gasped in surprise when his fingers brushed across her left nipple, pulling it gently through the fabric of her shirt. He laughed against her skin before stepping back.  

A horn sounded from outside the house again. Rae shook her head as he sauntered away. “I hate you.” 

He held a hand up, wiggling his fingers at her before disappearing up the stairs. “I hate you too, dickhead. Tell Chop I’ll be down in ten.” 

She turned around to face the counter and turned on the faucet, letting cool water run over her wrists.  _Fuck me._

Rae waved to the boys as they pulled away from the house, promising she and Izzy would bring the baby and join them in an hour. The moment their car was out of sight, she hurried upstairs and set to packing bags and closing the house as quickly as possible. Izzy rang after half an hour, letting her know she pulled together the supplies Rae needed.  _Everything is coming together._  She carefully carried the suitcases downstairs, loading them into the car before returning to the house and packing the food from her shopping trip the day before. Izzy pulled into the driveway, beeping her horn. “Shit!” A few moments later there was a knock on the door. “Come in, Iz!” 

Her friend quickly appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, Clementine strapped into a baby carrier on her chest. “Where are your keys? I’ll pack this stuff into the boot of your car while you’re finishing up.” 

Rae hurriedly pointed past Izzy. “They’re by the door. Can you do me a favor and run upstairs, pull the sheets off the bed in our room and bring them down. Figure we’ll borrow them. Normally we’d wash them, but there’s no time for that.” 

“Of course.” Her petite figure disappeared. 

Rae listened but didn’t hear her make a sound going up the stairs or moving around in the bedrooms.  _I hope she scares the shit out of Chop some days by sneaking up on him, she’s like a ninja._ Izzy silently reappeared with a bundle of sheets in her hands and two pillows tucked under her arms. “Realized you don’t have pillows either, might as well borrow these too.” 

“Good point.” Rae raised her eyebrows, nodding. “Thank you, I wouldn’t have thought of it.” _There’s so much I’m not thinking of yet, I know it. This has to work._  She pulled the bags off the counter, trudging towards the cars. 

Izzy was ahead of her outside, ferrying boxes and bags from the boot of one trunk to another. As Rae put the groceries in her car, she held out a smaller sack of perishable goods. “These need to go in a fridge. You take them home, sure your family will eat them.” 

Izzy raised a hand to block the sun from her eyes. “Do you think he’ll suspect anything?”

“God, I hope not. This could go one of two ways though, it will either be the best or worst thing I’ve ever done without him knowing.” Rae winced at the thought of it being in the latter category. 

Izzy put a hand on Rae’s belly, rubbing it slowly from side to side. “It’s the right thing. As soon as you told me, I knew it was. If you were moving to Aberdeen to be with Archie and company I would be angry, but Bristol and his Nan’s house is an entirely different matter. Your family is building a life that’s all your own and it’s brilliant.” 

“Thank you, Iz. Seriously, we are in the right place at the right time for me to pull this off. I can’t imagine trying to sort out how to surprise him with anyone other than you to help me.” Rae’s eyes welled up and she pushed down the urge to burst into tears.  _Izzy is the best._

Izzy matched her expression, water collecting in the corner of her eyes. She warmly smiled at Rae. “Don’t start  _that_. I’m hormonal, you’re hormonal…we’ll never stop. I’m more than excited to be the one helping, it means a ton to me. And don’t you ever forget it was Izzy and Chop that helped you make this memory.” She poked Rae in the arm. 

“Trust me, we won’t.” Rae gently pulled Izzy and Clementine into a hug, both babies safely nestled between their bodies. Clementine’s carrier sat just above Rae’s abdomen and her little feet gently kicked back. Rae sensed Tim responding, pushing against her rigid stomach muscles. It made her burst into tears. “I’m so glad we’ll only be two hours from here, eight hours from Archie and less than that from our families. It’s really perfect, almost in the middle of everyone.” 

Izzy’s arms tightened around her. “It’s completely perfect. Now come on, we’ve got to get a hustle on otherwise Chop will likely drown keeping Finn from coming back early.” 

***

Finn tumbled under a wave, his nose filling with frigid salt water. He’d lost count of how many times it had happened since pushing his board out across the glassy surface.  _I am out of practice._ He broke through the water, adeptly forcing the liquid out of his nose and taking in a deep breath in only a few seconds. He grabbed his board, pushing himself up to lay on it. Dehydrated from drinking the night before, his brain screamed in pain from the physical exertion. _I do not rebound as quickly as when I was twenty-two. Shit, does that mean I’m getting old?_  He straddled the board. Chop sat ahead of the waves on his right and Finn could hear him laughing. He shot an annoyed glare in his direction.

“Mate, what’s wrong with you? It’s like you have no balance.” 

Finn yelled back, “Shut up, you twat. It wasn’t my idea to surf, pretty sure you’re the one desperate for friends and forcing me to get out today. You ready to head in?” 

Chop examined the shore, then looked back at Finn. “Girls aren’t here yet, we should wait.” 

“We can meet them at the house. I’m tired, let’s go.” 

“One more wave.” 

“Ok,  _one_  more.” 

The two paddled across the white breaks, the uplift causing Finn’s stomach to lurch. He forgot the sensation of being on the ocean and missed it.  _I should be near somewhere I can surf more often._ Chop waited for him and they lined themselves up to catch the next wave rolling in towards the shore. Finn looked behind him, then over to Chop and gave a final glance to sandy beach. In the distance he saw Izzy’s trademark red hair.  _They’re here, thank God._ He turned back to the wave, swiftly laying down on his stomach and focusing.  _Make it a good one._  He quieted his mind, letting his body tune into the movement of the water under his board. The ocean pitched, sending him forward as the beginning of the wave rolled under him. Finn pushed his arms into the water, paddling forward to keep himself in time with the movement. At the right moment, he popped up on his board, the balls of his feet settling quickly on the smooth surface as he balanced on the crest. For the first time that morning, he rode the water without falling off.  _Knew I hadn’t lost it._ When he made it to the beach, he looked back for Chop who was no where to be found. He turned to find Izzy, only to see Chop already settled by the girls. Board firmly tucked under Finn’s arm, he trudged across the sand towards them. 

Rae sat next to Izzy, propped up with hands behind her back. She gave him a devious smile. “You looked sexy out there, Finlay. Leave the wetsuit on for later.” 

Chop loudly protested, “Ohhhh, no. We don’t need to hear about what you two do in your private time!” 

Finn dropped his board next to Chop, causing sand to fly upwards into his face. “Where did you get off to?”

“Wiped out, mate. Swam back to shore.” He pointed to Finn while talking to Rae and Izzy, “You should have seen this twat earlier, that’s the first good wave he caught and it was just in time to impress you two. Pretty sure it was a gag your lad played on me all morning.” 

“Piss off.” Finn plopped down on the sand next to Rae, laying back and closing his eyes. He was gritty and tired.  _I want a shower and a good meal._ “Let’s go home.” Everyone was suspiciously silent. Finn opened his eyes, squinting at the sky before looking at the back of their heads. The three were exchanging glances. “What you up to?”

They answered in unison, “Nothing.” 

“I’ve known you all too long to believe that.” He sat up, studying them.

Rae brushed sand from the back of his wet hair, reassuring him, “We can go if you’re ready. Just thought it would be nice to sit here and enjoy the sun since they don’t need to pick the boys up from school for a while yet.” 

He narrowed his eyes at her. “You’re up to something, is this like the practical joke when you stole my clothes and I didn’t have anything to change back into? I don’t want to walk through town in a wetsuit again.”

She pinched his cheek. “Now why would I do that  _again_? I came up with something even better.” 

Finn rolled his eyes. “Shit.” 

“Trust me, you’ll love it.” 

Izzy and Chop leaned forward, peering at him around Rae. “You’re going to go mental it’s so brilliant.” 

His eyes went from one face to another, all of them smiling like he was being left out of an inside joke.  _Shit, this is going to be horrible._  He laid back again. “Fine, just get whatever miserable thing you have planned at my expense over.” 

Rae hit his stomach lightly. “You’re so negative. Enjoy the sun.” 

The four friends sat, talking and laughing for another half an hour until Finn and Chop were fully dried out. Clementine played in the sand between Izzy and Rae, the two interchangeably taking her into their arms. Finn and Chop changed before everyone slowly ambled back to the car park. Finn attempted to take the keys from Rae to drive, but she kept a firm hold on them insisting she wanted to let him rest.  _Suspicious._ They said good-bye, Finn mentioning they would see Izzy and Chop at dinner. The two silently nodded, pursing their lips and exchanging a knowing glance.  _What the fuck am I missing?_  

He let himself fall into the passenger’s side of their car, focusing on Rae. “You gonna tell me what’s up?” 

“Not yet. I want to show you something important though, it’ll take us a while to get there. I packed you a sandwich.” She pointed to the console between them. “Ready?”

“Would it make a difference if I said ‘no’?”

She gave him an ecstatic grin, raising her shoulders and opening her eyes wide. “No.”

“Great, let’s get it over with then.” Finn picked up the bag, pulling out a sandwich and taking a bite. He looked around the car for any signs of where they were going or what Rae had plotted. It was empty. He sighed, annoyed he couldn’t come up with any sort of answer before giving up and settling back into his seat. Within half an hour he stopped asking for clues, she was stonewalling him. Rae turned up the music and focused on the road. He begrudgingly gave up, reclining his seat and crossing arms over his chest.  _This better be bloody good._  He softly smiled to himself.  _It’s going to be bloody amazing knowing her._ His thoughts continued working, slowly lulling him to sleep in rhythm to The Stone Roses as[“Waterfall”](http://darlingdiver.tumblr.com/post/100498508681/civod-the-stone-roses-waterfall-chimes-sing) wafted through the car. 

****

Rae glanced at Finn, who was asleep next to her as the car sped towards Bristol.  _Please don’t wake up._  As long as he wasn’t awake, Finn couldn’t ask questions, get angry or endanger her plan.  _This has to work._ She pressed on the gas, glancing at the clock.  _Only a few more minutes._  She put on a complete playlist of every Stone Roses song stored in their iPod, convinced it would help relax him.  _This has been the longest two hours ever. I hate keeping things from him, this better be worth it. Well, who’s fault is it if it isn’t? Mine. Fuck._ Every song change, external noise from the car, and unexpected movement caused her to nervously check on him. As Rae crossed the Avon River heading north on the M5, she saw the A4 portway sign that would take them the fastest route. She took a deep breath. _Almost to Nan’s house. Our house._

[“I Wanna Be Adored”](http://darlingdiver.tumblr.com/post/100582978286/unppluggedd-i-wanna-be-adored-the-stone) echoed around her, Rae blinked rapidly and a few tears streamed down her cheeks.  _OUR house._  She gently turned the wheel, curving around the exit and accelerating east.  _This seems so familiar, like I’m driving to a home I’ve had my whole life but never knew._

Finn stirred as the song ended, pushing his arms up over his head and yawning. “Are we there yet?”

His seat was still reclined and he continued staring up at the roof of the car for a moment. Rae shifted her eyes sideways to him, then back to the road several times. “Few more minutes.” 

The opening guitar riffs of [“This is the One”](http://darlingdiver.tumblr.com/post/100611308041) kicked in and Finn lifted the back of his chair to turn the volume down. “You been listening to the Roses this entire ride?”

Rae answered hesitantly, “Yeah.” 

“How long have we been driving?” He looked from the stereo to her face.

She answered, knowing he would recognize the area around them any second, “Two hours.” 

He slowly took in the landscape, his head making a panoramic sweep across the windows. She exited for Sea Mill’s lane, tracking him from the corner of her eye and waiting for a response.

Finn didn’t disappoint her, rubbing palms nervously across his knees. “What we doing back in Stoke Bishop?”

Nan’s house appeared ahead of them. The song’s refrain rang out over and over again.

_This is the one_

_Oh this is the one_

_Ah this is the one_

_This is the one_

_I’ve waited for_

She slowly pulled the car to a stop in front of the now familiar white house and switched the car off.  _I didn’t plan what to say, shit._

Finn stared out the window before shifting his attention to her. “Why did you bring me to Nan’s house?”

Rae smiled. “This isn’t Nan’s house, this is  _our_  house.” 

He furrowed his brows, staring at her hard. “What do you mean?”

She pulled his hand into her lap. “We should move here. We should raise our family here. We should bring our son home here.” Finn’s eyes moved around her face as he stayed silent. Rae waited, chewing on the inside of her lower lip. She couldn’t read him and was unable to live with the quiet. “Seeing you at this house meant more than I think you know. This place is important to you. I think it can be important to us.” A tear fell down her cheek as emotions bubbled to the surface. “I fucking love you.” She wiped away the streak of water with her free hand. “Don’t get mad, but I called your da. He’s giving it to us as a baby present.” 

Finn squeezed her hand, his stoic expression softening. “Are you kidding?”

“No.”  _I did the right thing, didn’t I?_

“You want to live here?”

“I’m as certain of this as I am about us having a baby or getting married - I can’t imagine anything else.” She looked past him toward the house, then tugged his hand. “Let’s go inside, yeah?”

He whispered, “Yeah.” 

They opened their doors and stepped out of the car.

****

Finn was stunned. He still didn’t completely understand, but he was hesitantly excited. The driveway gravel crunched beneath his feet.  _This is ours?_ His eyes drifted across the structure, taking in the windows and walls. It seemed different than forty-eight hours before, now more peaceful. He stopped at the door, staring at the stain glass windows. His mind ran through the well-worn routine of returning to their flat, the feeling of relief that came with each stair he climbed. A deep sense of calm crept over him standing at the door now, like there were no more stairs to climb.  _Coming home._

Rae put a hand on the small of his back, holding they key out in front of him. “You do the honors.” 

He took the ring from her, pushing the key into the lock. Metal grooves slid along each other, Finn acutely aware of every movement. He turned it, sensing the door give slightly as the lock pulled out of the frame.  _This is real. She did this because she loves me. My da kept it because he loves me. I never even thought…_ He stepped inside, taking a deep breath. The house was bright from mid-afternoon sun streaming in through various windows. Turning on his heel, Finn blocked the door preventing Rae from coming inside. She gave him a questioning look. He smiled. “If this is our home, then it’s only right I carry you over the threshold.” 

Rae laughed. “We’re not married.” 

He held up a finger to stop her. “ _Yet_.” 

She nodded in agreement. “Right, yet.” 

“Doesn’t matter, it’s only right I carry you across.” 

“Finlay, I’m too heavy. There’s no way you can pick me up.” 

He gave her a disapproving look. “I’ll bet you’re wrong.” She shrugged, rolling her eyes. Before she could protest further, Finn stepped outside and turned around, crouching down. He looked over his shoulder at her. “Hop on.” 

“You’re kidding, right?”

“Not in the least. I’m carrying you and our kid into this house.” 

“Alright then, you asked for it.” Rae hopped up, wrapping her legs around his waist. 

Finn stood, stepping forward into the house. He kept a tight hold of her legs, not letting her down. She wiggled and he finally released her once they made it to the sun room. Finn sat on the floor, staring out the large window into the back garden, overwhelmed and thankful. 

Rae lowered herself next to him, linking an arm with his and wrapping their hands together. “This place is perfect.” 

Finn nodded before looking at her and quietly adding, “I fucking hope so.”

****

Several hours later, Rae pulled a bottle of champagne out of the refrigerator, holding two glasses in her other hand. It was dark outside and the house quiet. She heard Finn moving the air mattress in the sun room, plastic squeaking against the wood floor occasionally. She couldn’t help but laugh at the noises.  _First night in our new house._ Her stomach fluttered with trepidation and hope. 

Finn managed to act nonchalant when she revealed they wouldn’t be returning to Croyde, but Rae knew the entire plan had been a complete success. Izzy brought an air mattress, champagne, and glasses over that morning so they could properly stay the night and celebrate in Stoke Bishop. She shuffled into the room with supplies in-hand, a smile beaming from her face. 

Finn had wet hair from a shower and was making the bed, attempting to wrap the corners of the fitted sheet around the plastic mattress. He looked up at her. “It doesn’t fit.”

“Yes it does, those are sheets from Archie’s and they’re a size too big for this mattress. You’re just hopeless with making a bed. Here…” She offered the bottle and glasses to him. Finn stood, taking them from her hands. Rae untangled the opposite end of the sheet, freeing excess material allowing it to fit across the corners. She took the bottle and glasses back from Finn, giving him a smug grin. “Now you can finish.” 

“Alright girl, but I want to pop the cork.” 

“Don’t worry, you’re always in charge of popping corks. Besides, I think there was some promise of finishing a hickey hours ago.” She stepped past him towards a small side table left in the house. 

Finn slapped her arse firmly. “You’re getting more than a hickey tonight.” 

Rae returned the gesture, her palm landing firmly on the curve of his arse and making a loud popping sound. She laughed, surprised by the force of her own hand. Finn looked over his shoulder, shaking his head at her. She pursed her lips at him. “You give me a bruise on my neck and I’ll give you one on your arse, how’s that for a celebration tonight?”

He wiggled his eyebrows at her. “Deal.” 

It was almost midnight by the time they finished the champagne and were settled in bed. The two had traveled from room to room in the house, talking about what furniture they would buy and how to lay things out. Finn drank almost the entire bottle, while Rae stopped after one glass. Finally admitting they needed sleep, the two lay next to each other staring into the night through the glass windows and doors. Moonlight filtered in all around them and the stars were brightly dotted across the black sky. Finn’s hand rested on top of Rae’s between them, his fingers lightly brushing back and forth over the tops of hers. Her body relaxed and she dozed listening to his breathing. 

In the silence, Finn whispered quietly, “I’ll have to learn the constellations so I can teach Tim.” 

The sound of his voice roused her. “Hmmm?” She’d heard what he said, but wasn’t sure if he meant to say it aloud.

“Nothing.” He sighed softly, interlacing their fingers. “This is perfect,  _you’re_  perfect.” 

Rae mused, “What if I’d been  _wrong_?”

Finn was silent for a few beats before sarcastically answering, “Well, then we might as well of just ended our relationship in the car.” 

“Dickhead.” She rolled on her side, facing him. 

He shifted to face her. “Hey, I have an idea. We’ll always be dickhead to each other, but we should use Finlay and May in front of the kids.” 

She lifted her free hand, brushing a finger over his lips. “I like it.” 

He caught the tip in his mouth, gently biting before releasing it. “Good, I would have called you that anyway.” 

She huffed, “Naturally.” Studying him in the soft light, she continued, “I like the kids part too. We should have more.” 

Finn took in a quick breath, pulling his lips together. “I’m up to that challenge.” He gathered the hair falling over her cheek in his fingers.  “You ready to chew my lips off?”

“Are you kidding?”

Finn raised his eyebrows suggestively. “I mean, only if you want to.” 

“I’m going to need you to finish what you started this morning first before I can start on your lips.” 

“Girl, I can do that.” He propped himself up, brushing the hair back from her neck. She watched him look down at her skin. The emotion in his eyes made her heart pound, Finn was a man seeing someone he deeply loved and she knew it. He lowered his mouth to the spot still pink from that morning. The heat made her nerves tingle. 

Rae slid her hand down the side of his torso, pushing it under the waist of his boxers and squeezing the arse cheek she slapped earlier. He moaned into her neck and scooted forward. Suddenly there was a loud squeaking noise and release of air that echoed through the house. They froze and Rae broke into a fit of giggles. “Was that you or the mattress?”

Finn burst into loud laughter, burying his forehead into Rae’s shoulder. The mixed sounds of their amusement reverberated through the empty rooms. 

"Welcome home, Finlay." 

He picked his head up, looking at her as they caught their breath.

"Welcome home, May." 

_———————————————_

**Epilogue**

Finn lay on his back wearing a navy blue suit paired with a plaid tie. The fabric hugged his body, making him acutely aware of the perspiration under each arms.  _God it’s hot, I shouldn’t have worn my wool suit._ The room was painted a soft blue, the walls covered in band posters - The Smiths, Oasis, The Stone Roses, The Rolling Stones, U2, London Suede, The Cure, and Blur. If it weren’t for the crib, toys, and children’s books littered around him, the space would never be mistaken for an infant’s room. The wood floor had a plush pastel green rug centered on it, where Finn settled himself earlier. Mid-afternoon light cast shadows around him, bright spots falling on his suit and heating the skin underneath. His heart rate slowly climbed from the temperature and anticipation of what was to come. 

Finn’s knees were propped up, his feet firmly on the floor. Tim babbled sitting against them, his nappy covered bum balanced on Finn’s chest. His eyes drifted from the ceiling down to his son. Tim was a large baby, weighing nearly ten pounds when he was born. Now, at eight months old, his fat rolls were smoothing out, limbs lengthening and stubborn personality becoming more apparent each day. He had a round face with cherub-like features, light brown hair, and almost none where he eyebrows should be.

Finn smiled at Tim, “Do you think I have time to change?” 

The baby squealed hearing Finn’s voice, pitching himself forward towards his father. Tim’s upper body folded over his legs, arms stretched out in front of him in the direction of Finn’s face. Tiny hands managed to grasp Finn’s tie, long fingers bunching the fabric together. A grunt emanated from his throat as Tim worked to climb across Finn with the effort of a mountaineer scaling Kilimanjaro. His mouth opened and a thick line of drool dripped down to Finn’s dress shirt. 

“What have you done now?” Finn wrapped his hands around Tim’s torso, picking up and straightening the baby out in the air above him. The father and son faced each other and Tim let out a loud, approving laugh as if he had accomplished a great feat. Finn couldn’t help but smile. “You ready? You’re my best man, you have to be ready.”

A knock sounded on the door behind him, causing Finn to push his chin up and look over his head. Archie slowly opened the door, his face upside down to Finn. Tim’s focus shifted with him. Archie looked at them both, “They’re ready to start soon. You boys about done with the pre-wedding pep talk in here?”

Finn looked back at Tim. “Uncle Archie says it’s time to go, we better listen.” He sat up, bringing Tim with him.

“You’re lucky he didn’t throw up on you the way you were holding him like that.”

“Nah, he’s solid.” He repositioned the baby to one arm, pushing himself up to stand with the other. Finn turned, facing Archie and pulling down his jacket. “Is Rae ready?”

Archie took Tim from Finn, opening his mouth and making a surprised face at the baby. “Your parents are getting married today. Are you excited?”

Finn put his hand on the back of Tim’s head, lovingly running his fingers along the baby’s skin. “A long time coming.” 

Archie shifted his gaze to his friend, pointing to a large wet spot next to his tie. “He drooled on you.” 

“Bound to happen, right?” He brushed his hand over the white shirt, examining the area dark with moisture. “Is that drool or vomit?”

Archie leaned down, giving it a closer examination. “Pretty sure it’s just drool. If it’s not, his vomit is white anyway, it’ll just blend.” 

Finn frowned and shook his head, casting a blithe look at the fabric. “Good point.” 

“Shall we?” Archie adjusted his glasses to the bridge of his nose before sweeping a free hand towards the door, encouraging Finn to exit first. He bounced Tim on his hip, looking at the boy. “You’re ready, we’re ready, daddy’s ready…we’ve waited long enough. I’m getting impatient, aren’t you lad?” 

“Alright you two, let’s get downstairs.” He gently pushed Archie on the shoulder, encouraging him to move ahead. As Finn passed into the upstairs hallway, he paused shifting his focus to the closed door leading to his and Rae’s room. A beatific expression settled on his face.  _Over ten years and we’re still at the beginning of our lives together, but we’re in the middle of it all at the same time. How does time move on but stay still all at once? With her, a part of me will forever be a teenager eager to be an adult. We’ve got plenty time ahead for all of it. God, we’ve come so far already._

The house had changed since their first night in Stoke Bishop, when giddy excitement mixed with anxious anticipation. Deciding where to live made all the other changes more real - the baby, settling into a house, upgrading and expanding their furnishings, all while relocating Rae’s job and Finn looking for a new one. They decided to move after the baby was born, spending the remaining two months packing, buying supplies, and closing out their lease in Spitalfields. It was hard to say good-bye to elements of life in London, but a reassuring calm settled over them both knowing it was merely a matter of time until they were in Stoke Bishop. Their flat was full of boxes stacked against walls, serving as a tantalizing reminder of so many hopes soon to be realized. 

Finn was brushing his teeth one evening when Rae walked into the bathroom and grabbed his arm, digging her nails into his skin. Her eyes welled with trepidation, while her features were racked with pain. “I’m not ready.”  _Shit. It’s time._ The labor and delivery was brutal to watch, Finn felt powerless to do anything substantial to help. He cognitively knew this was how it worked, but that didn’t change the fact that he wanted to take away her pain and shoulder the burdens raging through her emotionally and physically. She was brave and strong. Finn stood in awe of her resolve to not use an epidural, declaring she wanted to feel the pain and joy completely without her body being dulled. After twenty hours of labor she recanted her decision, but the doctors said she was too far along. He remembered Rae’s hands spotted bright red and white when she bore down, grabbing onto the handles of the hospital bed or him with each push. She clutched at him, gasping between contractions. Finn was simultaneously distraught and wonderstruck, unable to process or reconcile the complete mixture of emotions. When the doctor guided Tim out of Rae with her final push, she relaxed back onto the bed and Finn’s face dropped at the first sight of his son. The boy looked like he’d made it through a horror movie, covered in blood and wailing. Finn didn’t know what he expected, but he’d never been more inspired than at that moment. Rae brought a human into this world, a combination of them and their stories. Finn was unable to find words to ever capture the beauty of the experience, as if the world turned on itself and revealed a secret of how futile his understanding of love and adoration had been before. Rae ran her fingers along his forearm, gazing up at him in an exhausted stupor. “Next time, I want drugs.” 

Nothing would ever be the same. He was allowed two weeks of paternity leave, while transitioning out of his job at the BBC. Rae would take the full year allotted under the company’s maternity leave policy. The world kept turning upside down day after day as the two attempted to get solid footing. Sleep became a luxury. Rae and Finn were exhausted, patience running thin, at moments hopelessly lost with how to care for the tiny human entrusted to them, and often unintentionally taking the culmination of their frustrations out on the other. They clung to their vow to talk and listen in the midst of the chaos. In the quiet moments, they held each other as if lost in a storm. Rae curled herself into Finn when she was overwhelmed with inadequacies of how to be a mother, while she picked him up when he crumbled after attempting to dynamically adjust to everyones’ needs while ignoring his own. Things got better, rewarding moments outnumbering the challenging ones and the family of three adjusted to a new life together. It became obvious how their individual strengths were a saving grace in the hardest times, the partnership allowing them to thrive through their weakest moments. 

When Tim was just over month old, Finn and Rae packed their car and made the final drive from London to Stoke Bishop as a family. Settling into the house was a natural transition, surprising them both. Rae learned exactly how loud they could play music downstairs without waking Tim upstairs. Finn set to refinishing shelves they found in a local antique store for their records and books, carefully organizing everything after the project was finished. Rooms filled with couches, tables, beds, dressers and all the little details that made the space their own. The atmosphere created by their style was laid back, but tailored. Rooms were full of unmatched items chosen because the couple loved them, each one with a story, but everything worked together and created their home. 

Bristol was the perfect town for them, alive with music and art while staying relaxed. They became regulars at the Bristol aquarium and zoo, taking Tim on a regular basis. Standing at various enclosures, Finn would explain animal behaviors to his son. Rae would lovingly correct him whenever it came to creatures she’d written pieces on for the BBC. The little boy became especially enamored with the penguin habitat, excitedly flapping his arms back and forth every time he saw the animals waddling and swimming around. Makeshift music lessons became a regular part of their routine as Finn and Rae sat with Tim on the living room floor teaching him to drum on kitchen pots along to their favorite bands, their joint laughter mixing with the noise and pulsing through the house. Finn was in awe of how he fell more in love with his child as time passed, constantly swearing to himself at each moment it was the most he would ever have the capacity to love but being surprised as he was proved wrong with each passing day. As his feelings for Tim grew, so did his for Rae. They were irreparably intwined.  

Chop bellowed from the bottom of the stairs, “Oi, you gonna stand there all day and gawk at a closed door?”

Finn sighed, deeply certain of the commitments he and Rae made to each other through the years already. Time passing was inevitable, the remaining minutes between them and the wedding may have felt like an eternity in the moment but would be gone in a relative blink of the eye. Today would come and go as another milestone on the life-long adventure they planned together. 

“Coming.” He stepped onto the top stair, the hard soles of his dress shoes clicking against the wood. 

****

Rae heard his footsteps in the hallway, her stomach in knots.  _This is ridiculous. It’s not like I don’t know how things are going to end._ She closed her eyes, listening to the soles of his shoes hit each stair. Rae relaxed, the sound calming her.  _I love knowing his walk. He’ll be walking towards me for the rest of our lives._

They agreed to get married in the back garden, eschewing a large or ornate ceremony. Rae and Finn decided to have their wedding serve as a house party, where family and friends could gather and enjoy each other in the comfort of the place they decided to call home. Linda, Karim and Meriem flew in from Tunisia a week before, spending quality time with Tim and driving Rae insane. She watched Finn laugh, as Linda attempted to give her tips on how to best care for the baby.  _After eight months on my own, I have it sorted._ Everyone else came in two days before the wedding, making the occasion a special opportunity to catch up with each other. They piled into the house at night, eating dinner, playing games and watching movies before everyone would return to a nearby hotel and leave Rae, Finn and Tim to rest. 

As their friends and family descended on the house the day of the wedding, the atmosphere buzzed with joy. Rae heard Chop, Archie, Brian, Karim, and all the kids one floor away. Their rowdy cheers at Finn’s arrival echoed up the stairs and through the door. She smiled looking at herself in the mirror.  _You’re perfect._  Izzy, Chloe and Linda were busy in a flurry of activity behind her. Chloe stopped, putting a hand on Rae’s shoulder. “We need to get you in your dress.” 

She answered hesitantly, “Ok.” 

Linda was busy pulling the tea-length lace dress off a hanger from the front of their wardrobe. She turned to her daughter. “You alright, love?”

Rae gave her mum a warm smile. “I’m better than alright.” 

“Well then, let’s get this show on the road.”  

As the three woman slid the dress over Rae’s head, the ridiculousness of the excessive attention struck her as amusing.  _I could have dressed myself._  As the fabric slid over her face and down her body, curled hair bouncing back up to her shoulders, she saw tears running down Linda’s cheeks.  _But it means something to them._  Izzy stood behind her, gently zipping up the back before placing her arms around Rae’s waist in a hug. “You look amazing.” 

Chloe ran her hands through Rae’s hair, curling the ends into place with her fingers before setting a small rhinestone pin on one side, sweeping it delicately behind her ear. “Perfect, babe.” 

_I’ve waged wars on myself to stand here. I was a girl who day dreamed of loving someone like Finn, of having him love me. We got here together, we dreamed this life together._

Rae lived with anxiety and fear for longer than she could recall. Managing it was a habit she grew proud of over the years. She was sitting in bed when the first contraction wracked her body, washing over her like a tidal wave that would pull her under an ocean of pain. Finn couldn’t save her, no one could. She would have to survive this on her own, while he stood at her side. Linda had told her, “When it’s over you won’t remember all the pain, memories are funny that way. You know it hurt, you just can’t remember how much.” She had been right in a way, but Rae would never concede that fact to her mother. No matter how bad the labor got, she was resolved to withstand it.  _I am strong._  There was no room for anxiety or fear once it started, the pain drowned them out. Her mind only recalled fragments now - Finn apologizing for hours, the overwhelming relief between contractions, loosing her orientation to the time or day, grabbing Finn’s arm so tightly bruises appeared in the shapes of her fingers the next day, and finally Tim’s face and the sound of his cries. 

The past eight months melted into a perfectly imperfect blur. Rae learned how to believe in her relationship with Finn in an entirely new way. He drove her crazy at times, often being accidentally thoughtless. She occasionally lost the ability to tell him what she needed, completely spent from taking care of their son and frustrated by the isolation of being at home with him. They would stop, take a breath and start again though. In the dark, Finn whispered “dickhead” to her as a reminder that they were still the two kids who got on a train together ten years ago heading for homes that were now like foreign lands. As the weeks passed, they laughed more and celebrated every milestone - Tim sleeping through the night, exploring Bristol without getting lost or the baby breaking into crying fit, having uninterrupted sex, and leaving Tim with a sitter the first time.  _We can do this, we can do anything._

When Tim was four months old, Finn was still looking for a new job. His frustration mounted daily, fueled by the anxiety of financially providing for their family. Rae found him having a crisis of faith in the kitchen one day, head hung low and questioning his decision to leave the BBC. Finn was consumed with guilt, fearful his choices had become selfish. There was no quick solution, but they talked through scenarios and made plans. A week later he received a call from Heart’s affiliate station in Bristol, they had an opening for a Creative On-Air Copywriter with a direct promotion line to producing. He left for his first day at a new job a week and a half later. Rae never doubted the decision to get married was right for them, but the best and worst days since Tim’s arrival merely reinforced her certainty.

Chop’s voice echoed from the entryway, “You birds making a getaway plan up there?”

Izzy gave Rae an annoyed look, rolling her eyes. “Shut up, you’re ruining a beautiful moment!” 

Rae sighed, fidgeting to contain the energy pulsing through her body. She nodded. “I’m ready to see Finn.” 

Linda wiped away tears streaming down her face, nodding. “Then let’s go.” 

Chloe crossed the room, pulling open the door quickly. A rush of air from the movement blew into Rae’s face, causing her eyes to close. She took a deep breath.  _It’s time._

****

Finn stood in the back garden, rolling from toes to heels in an attempt to contain the expectant elation causing his blood to rush. Archie and Chop stood behind him, his groomsmen for the ceremony. Archie held Tim, who served as best man, in his arms. The family sat in chairs pulled from the house in front of them, a make shift aisle leading from the sunroom to the ceremony area surrounded by a lush assortment of brightly colored potted flowers laid out for the occasion. Linda was the first to appear in a lilac dress falling to the ground, making her way down the aisle and sitting next to Karim. She couldn’t stop crying as water streamed down her face in slow, gentle streams. Finn’s heart beat faster.  _She’s coming._ Izzy was next in a knee-length turquoise dress, slowly putting one foot in front of the other and smiling. She stepped to the other side of the officiant, mirroring Chop’s place, giving Finn a wink and smile before she turned her attention down the aisle. Birds chirped and the wind blew, ruffling the back of Finn’s hair. His eyes drifted to his da sitting directly in front of him. He couldn’t remember the last time he saw his father smile so much, which made his heart full. When he looked up, Chloe had already made her way down the aisle, wearing a slender navy dress, and was turning to wait for Rae.  _Shit._ He took a breath. 

She glided from the obscurity of the house towards the light of the garden, with each step he could see her clearer. From out of the shadows and behind the walls her form appeared in a cream lace dress that fell below her knees. Rae stopped at the threshold, meeting his eyes. _I’m going to pass out._

_****_

Rae stood at the end of the sun room, staring at Finn.  _Don’t faint._  Everyone rose, waiting for her to proceed down the aisle. She took a deep breath and looked down to the ground, ready to take a step forward. Suddenly, the silence filled with everyone humming. Rae looked up, her eyes traveling from one smiling face to another. It took her only a second to recognize the song and she softly laughed.  _Wonderwall._  Their family and friends carried Rae down the aisle to the couple’s favorite Oasis song. She didn’t know who’s idea or how it was organized, but the gesture meant the world to her. As she passed the two rows, she mouthed a simple “Thank you”. 

Her eyes met Finn’s again as the distance between them closed. As they faced each other, she raised her hands and Finn took them in his. The humming slowly ended as everyone sat and the ceremony began. 

He took her breath away. Finn had cut his hair short on the sides, leaving the top longer and styling it back with a small wave on top. When he saw her, Finn’s mouth parted in a wide smile and eyes softened. He was so much more than the fit lad who’d walked across a bar to her table in Croyde so many years ago. Rae couldn’t deny how physically attractive he was, but that had become a mere detail. His mind, convictions and commitment were what made him irresistible to her now.  Rae bit her bottom lip, shoulders raising slightly as she smiled at him. Her fingers tightened around his palms. Finn’s affect was warm like the sun, shining over her as if she was the only creature in existence and he beamed for her alone. Their family and friends may have been looking on, but in that moment it was just the two of them. 

The priest paused for a moment before beginning, “We’re gathered here today…” 

****

_I stand before you with only myself and my time to give_

_I want to be with you for the rest of my life_

_To see joy through your eyes_

_To feel sorrow through your heart_

_To experience all the wonders of existence with you_

_As a constant companion, lover, and friend_

The ceremony was short, but deeply personal. Their vows were a careful and extensive collection of promises made to each other over the years and more they planned for the future. Finn was sure the entire neighborhood heard the small crowd cheering when the ceremony ended with their kiss. Rae wrapped her arms around his waist, pulling him in tightly. His hands cupped her face, tugging her chin forward into his lips. Her eyelashes fluttered against his as their embrace lingered, Chop loudly encouraged them on from behind Finn. As the couple turned, everyone stood and the celebration grew louder. Rae raised her free hand into the air, as if declaring victory. “Let’s dance!” She pulled Finn toward the house and everyone followed. 

The next few hours were full of food, drinks and dancing. Wine and lager flowed as a steady stream of music mixed with laughter radiated from the sun room out through the garden. Sunset came and went as everyone carried on in the revelry. Once the stars overtook the sky, Finn wandered outside, settling himself on a hammock. Long past his bedtime, Tim buried his face in Finn’s chest dozing. “That up there is the big dipper. Do you know how you can tell the difference between the little and big dipper?” He looked down at the boy, who’s lips puckered between small inhales and exhales. Finn lifted his head, peering into the house where everyone was circled around Chop, who attempted to break dance in the middle of the floor. 

Rae edged her way around the group, eyes locking with Finn’s. She sauntered towards him, now barefoot with a glass of dark lager in her hand. Shadows fell across the front of Rae as light from the house highlighted her silhouette. Finn savored watching her move, hips rolling and just an outline of her breasts showing around the edges of her torso. What he took in visually was merely foreplay to what he cherished most about Rae though - the sound of her voice, the way she challenged him to be better, her determination, and the deep trust they shared. Finn’s shoulders relaxed further as she approached and he softly sighed, Rae’s proximity causing the activity behind her to fade away. She stood in front of him with a hand on her hip. “You know you’re talking to yourself out here, right?”

“Of course, but if I get in enough practice when he doesn’t know what I’m saying then I’ll sound like I’m really smart later.” 

“You are smart.” 

Finn shrugged, Tim shifting with the movement. “How many you had?”

“Oh, don’t you worry. I pumped and stored enough milk in the fridge that he won’t need access to the jugs for at least a full day.” She squeezed her left breast with a free hand. 

He couldn’t suppress his laughter. “You’re pissed.” 

“Not really, just deliriously happy.” 

“I like it on you.” 

“I could say the same.” She gave him a sly smile. “Now, Mr. Nelson, I have every intention of shagging your brains out tonight, so I’m stopping after this one and you better not drink too much either.” 

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Nelson, I’m about ready to kick out those idiots and go to bed. What time is it?”

“Almost eleven.” 

“God! It’s not late, but it  _is_ late. This one will be up at the crack of dawn too.” 

Rae handed him the glass in her hand and Finn took a swig. “Well, at least your da is staying here tonight to try and give us a chance to sleep in tomorrow. He’s so sweet, I swear he’d kidnap Tim and take him back to Stamford if we gave him half a chance.” 

Finn looked around Rae, finding his father dancing with arms above his head with the rest of their friends. “After all this time, I think he might burst with pride over us. Same for your mum and Karim. They never thought we would get here ten years ago. For that matter, neither did I.”

She stepped and turned in a swift motion, dropping herself in the hammock next to him. The fabric swayed, almost knocking the glass in his hand off balance. Rae held her hands out, planting her feet to steady the seat. When it was balanced, she took the glass from his hand, setting it on the ground, then leaned back into him. “Oh yeah?”

“I just mean, it’s more than I ever imagined for my life.” 

“I can understand, I used to look at myself in the mirror and wonder how I would get on in the world. Now, it just seems like the possibilities are endless for us, we have a lifetime ahead. It’s amazing.” 

“I know what you mean.” His hand found hers, the cool metal band on her ring finger heating under his touch as his fingers sought to fill the spaces between hers. Finn pushed his feet on the ground, swinging the hammock backwards. The cool evening air slowly swirled around them. Her hair gently moved back and forth, causing a hint of lavender to fill the air. “Hold on, girl.” 

Rae sighed softly, lifting their hands together, gently kissing Finn’s before brushing a finger lightly across Tim’s round cheek. “No chance we’re letting go.” 

_———————————————_


End file.
